Shotgun Joe Biden Got Some Advice for You

Dear America, whether it's a question about sex, guns or the real-estate market, Joe Biden has the answer you need.

Dear Mr. Vice President, 
I feel like my teenage sister is making a big mistake. For the past six months she's been dating a guy I like to call Douchey McGee. He doesn't return her calls, then comes over uninvited. I've told her to break it off, but she won't listen. Is it my place to do anything? – Dan in California

Dear Dan,
You have one job: Keep boys away from your sister. – Joe Biden PS. If you need any help on your pecs, man, give me a call.

Dear Joe,
Thanks for the advice! But working out is boring, so I bought an AR-15. Not only will this keep creeps away from my sister, my dad says it's a good thing to have handy for when you and the president start forcing us to buy health insurance. – Dan in California

Woah there Dan,
You know, my shotgun will do better for you than your AR-15, because you want to keep someone away from your house, just fire the shotgun through the door. – Joe Biden

Dear Mr. Vice President,
I'm a 24-year-old woman dating an older man. He's kind and loving, but recently we've been having trouble in the bedroom. How can I approach him about his impotency issues without ruining our relationship? - Between a Rock and an Unhard Place

Dear BARAAUP,
No dates until you're 30. – Joe Biden

Dear Vice President Biden,
My husband and I are thinking of buying a home, but everything in our price range looks like it was built for dwarves or Europeans. Is it possible to raise a happy family in cramped quarters? - Sulking in Seattle

Dear SIS,
Growing up in a small house was wonderful for children. By the way — having your grandpop living with you, having your great aunt, your uncle, for real. Those walls were awful thin. I wonder how the hell my parents did it. But that's a different story. I know you don't know anything about that. – Joe Biden

Tags: Guns, Joe Biden, Sex

Wednesday's Links: The Sasha and Malia Show

* It's the Sasha & Malia Show, starring Franchesca Ramsey and Abbi Crutchfield.

* "We're talking about sex in space, folks."

* Donald Tump gets photobombed.

* A new book looks at how Women Make Noise.

* Nathan Fielder has advice for his interviewers.

* David Neevel wants to get the cream out of there.

* Achewood is looking for a new television home.

* A fight over the Massachusetts state song: Jonathan Richman vs. Aerosmith.

Tags: Barack Obama, Daily Links, Donald Trump, Malia Obama, Massachusetts, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama, Science & Technology, Secret Service, Sex, Space

Sex Tips for Governors

During a speech at the National Governors Association's winter meeting, Dr. Mehmet Oz identified a serious but also puke-inducing health problem: the shortage of gubernatorial sexytime:

Oz also encouraged governors to lead by example by modeling a number of healthy behaviors…Noting that increased sexual activity leads to longer lifespans, Oz called on all governors to start having sex twice a week. No governors responded to Oz's suggestion about their sex lives.

Governing is stressful and time-consuming, so here are a few tips to help our nation's governors get their groove back (ew, ew, ew):

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Tags: Bobby Jindal, Paul LePage, Rick Perry, Rick Scott, Sex

Special Agent Johnson Will Sext You Now

According to internal reports, the FBI has been competing with the Secret Service for title of most embarrassing law enforcement agency.

The reports catalog all sorts of naughty behavior: nude photos sent to coworkers, bugging the boss's office, dating a known drug dealer and a "lot of sexting" on government-issued BlackBerries.

Alas, we will never know the content of these sexy sexts, because of silly "privacy regulations." It's safe to assume they probably went something like this:

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Tags: FBI, Sex

Tuesday's Links: Science and Sex with Neil deGrasse Tyson

* Neil deGrasse Tyson talks to Kristin Schaal and Dr. Ruth about sexy science.

* This train guy really loves trains.

* If you don't love meat, you don't love America.

* Walter Cronkite accurately predicts the future.

* Heterosexual couples stick it out for gay rights.

* Conan O'Brien's Produce Bowl pits apple against orange.

* California is… broke, and other unfortunate autocompletes.

* Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for insinuating he has orangutan blood.

Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Mahr, California, Conan O'Brien, Daily Links, Donald Trump, Dr. Ruth, Guns, Kristin Schaal, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Nazis, Neil, Patriotism, Science & Technology, Sex, The Onion, Walter Cronkite