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  • Pat Robertson Absolves David Petraeus for His Sins of the Flesh

    Pat RobertsonOkay, I know what you guys were thinking: What does televangelist Pat Robertson think about David Petraeus' covert extra-marital sexing-up of biographer Paula Broadwell?

    I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the super-Christian 700 Club host has signed off on it

    "She is an extremely good-looking woman," Robertson said of Broadwell. "She is marathon runner, she'd run Iron Man triathlons, and so she's out running with him, and she's writing a biography. And I think the term is propinquity. And there was a lot of propinquity going on."

    He then offered up this potential reasoning for Petraeus' affair: "The man's off in a foreign land and he's lonely and here's a good-looking lady throwing herself at him. He's a man."

    Right! He's a man. He's just a man, cursed with a penis. Therefore, we cannot rightly blame him for folding to his totally understandable sexual urges, especially in the face of such a handsome triathlon-competing woman. It's not like it was another man with whom he wanted to commit himself for the rest of his life. It was a woman. One whom Pat Robertson finds "extremely good-looking." And he only wanted to bang her a couple times. It's not for us to judge such things.

    Especially since we've all got our hand pretty full judging women for looking at porn.

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Christianity, David Petraeus, Pat Robertson, Religion, Sex
  • The Worst David Petraeus Commentary Quiz

    The David Petraeus-General John Allen-Paula Broadwell-Jill Kelley-Shirtless FBI Wingnut sex pentagon raises many questions: Which role will Julianne Moore play in the HBO movie? Can heterosexuals continue to be trusted to serve in our nation's military and clandestine services?  And perhaps most urgently, can people on the Internet resist the urge to be misogynistic twits for just one goddamned minute and enjoy the spectacle without succumbing to sexism, conspiracy mongery or general foolishness?

    This quiz will help answer one of these questions. For each category, try to identify whether the statement is intended as comedy or represents un-self-aware douchebaggery

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    Tags: David Petraeus, Media, Men and Women, Military, Scandalgate, Sex
  • A Visual Guide to the David Petraeus Circus

    As far as I can tell, L'Affaire Petraeus involves a woman named Jill Kelley who was allegedly cyber-harassed by Paula Broadwell, alleged mistress of CIA Director David Petraeus. The love pentagon — represented above as an homage to every terrible PowerPoint slide ever created by a Department of Defense public affairs team — also involved Kelley's alleged relationship with an FBI agent (who allegedly sent Kelley shirtless photos of himself, for some reason) and a series of "compromising" communications (which may be a few hundred innocuous emails, not the 20,000 communications initially reported) between Kelley and Gen. John Allen, the commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan. The fact that he commands U.S. forces in Afghanistan is, indeed, the only non-alleged piece of information here.

    We don't quite know the whole story yet, but after several days of revelations (alleged revelations?) a few things are clear:

    * The media is really, really bored post-election.

    * The FBI reads people's emails on quite small pretenses and this is worrying! Your love letter to Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf is not secure.

    * We should quarantine Tampa, Florida, home of CENTCOM and all things tawdry.

    * Anthony Weiner and John Edwards are probably linked to this, somehow.


    Previously: David Petraeus Resigns from C.I.A. Over Sex Scandal

    Tags: Afghanistan, David Petraeus, Media, Sex
  • David Petraeus Resigns from C.I.A. Over Sex Scandal

    Hold on. On the same day that Skyfall – the coolest-looking James Bond movie in a while — is opening in U.S. theaters, the head of the C.I.A. is stepping down because he had some sex? Is he also guilty of walking away from too many explosions in slow motion?

    I'm sorry, but these are some serious mixed messages, spy people

    David H. Petraeus, the director of the Central Intelligence Agency, resigned on Friday after issuing a statement saying that he had engaged in an extramarital affair…

    "After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair," Mr. Petraeus wrote. "Such behavior is unacceptable, both as a husband and as the leader of an organization such as ours. This afternoon, the president graciously accepted my resignation."…

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    Tags: CIA, David Petraeus, Sex, Spying
  • Lena Dunham Ad Makes Conservatives Reach for Smelling Salts [VIDEO]

    So about this Lena Dunham ad on behalf of Barack Obama that has conservatives in a tizzy because it uses some mild innuendo to compare first-time voting  to losing one's virginity — who can we call in for a calm, measured response?

    Jesus, Erick. Do you also faint at reruns of the Golden Girls? Those are twice as raunchy.  If it makes you feel any better, just imagine it as an anti-Obama commercial. Think about it. Voting for Obama is like losing your virginity because…

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    Tags: Advertising, Barack Obama, Sex