Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain's "Jimmy Kimmel" Appearance

Say what you will about Herman Cain's qualifications to hold the nation's highest office. When it comes to sexual harassment charges, the guy's comic timing can't be beat. And to think he probably could've scored the same laughs just by repeating the word "handler" a few more times.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Gloria Allred, Herman Cain, Jimmy Kimmel, Primaries, Republicans, Scandalgate, Sharon Bialek, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Herman Cain Speaks to Press Concerning Harassment Allegations

Just now, Herman Cain — standing in front of all of the American flags in Scottsdale, Arizona — spoke to the press and set them straight on a number of points…

* Herman Cain is completely innocent and has, in fact, "never acted inappropriately with anybody. Period!" He prides himself on his lifelong perfect record of appropriateness.

* The reason that all these allegations are coming out now is not because of any sort of serial behavior on his point, but because there are certain people who do not want to see a businessman in the White House. Common mistake.

* This is all being orchestrated by "the Democratic machine," who apparently do not want an easy pathway to a second term for Barack Obama. You know how self-hating liberals can be.

* He "would absolutely" subject himself to a lie detector test. Except that he is not going to. Probably because during those test, people ask you questions, and as he pointed out about answering questions: "I'm not gonna get caught in that trap."

* Herman Cain is "not an expert in how the brain works." For that, you'll have to get a neurologist in the White House. But, oh, just wait until you see the guns the Democratic machine pulls out for that dude.

Photo by Eric Thayer/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Herman Cain, Primaries, Republicans, Scandalgate, Sharon Bialek

Sharon Bialek Is a Bankrupt Gold Digger

By now, you know Sharon Bialek held a press conference where she accused Herman Cain of reaching for her genitals and offering her a job in exchange for oral sex. If it's true, that really makes it grosser that he once said "If you don't have a job, it's your fault."

But let's not crucify the guy without all the facts. Herman Cain is innocent until proven guilty. So far, all we actually know Herman Cain reached for was our hearts. Sharon Bialek, on the other hand, is guilty until proven not-a-gold-digger…

According to someone who knows Bialek: "She has a very infectious personality. It's easy to see how she won [Cain] over. But the reality of her situation is — she's a complete gold digger. It's all about the money…"

"This is a lady who lives off the system. She is hellbent on finding a way of never having to work and living the lifestyle she wants to live, a very affluent lifestyle. In my next life, I want to come back as her."

Some guy, presumably Kanye West, said she's a gold digger? She filed for bankruptcy twice? An anonymous witness says she saw her at a Tea Party rally hugging Herman Cain? Michelle Malkin saw her giggling at the press conference? Oh my God! It all makes sense now! Sharon Bialek is Keyser Söze!

Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Herman Cain, Primaries, Republicans, Scandalgate, Sex, Sharon Bialek

Jon Stewart on Herman Cain's Growing Pile of Accusers

With today's news, only 994 left to go until we hit the magic number!

Coverage continues after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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Tags: Fox, Gloria Allred, Gretchen Carlson, Herman Cain, Jon Stewart, Mark Block, Megyn Kelly, Rahm Emanuel, Scandalgate, Sharon Bialek, The Daily Show, Video

Sharon Bialek – a Fourth Herman Cain Accuser – Gives Press Conference

Lifelong Republican and former employee of the National Restaurant Association Sharon Bialek, standing next to her attorney Gloria Allred, just finished telling a really dirty story to the press. I mean, really dirty. Genital-grabbing dirty! And the main characters in this story are herself and Herman Cain. Whether this is non-fiction or fan-fiction remains to be seen, but I can guarantee this story will be told and told and told again.

Here's a kind of overview of the story: Back in 1997, the story's protagonist Ms. Bialek met Mr. Cain, was impressed by him and asked him when he was going to run for president. Hahahahaha! All very cute. Sometime soon after, Bialek found herself in need of employment, and her boyfriend suggested she contact Cain, who was CEO of the National Restaurant Association at the time. She did, and they made plans to meet in Washington D.C.

When Bialek arrived at her hotel, she discovered that her accommodations had been changed and she was now staying in a very nice suite. Upon meeting up again, Cain told her "I upgraded you," which just sounds dirty already.

Then, a bunch of boring stuff happened and finally Cain, according to Bialek, put his hand on her leg under her skirt — which, I'm pretty sure, is the wrong side of a skirt for a gentleman to place his hand — and reached for her genitals. (If you heard a deafening "Yikes!" a few minutes ago, that was probably the sound of the entire country reacting to that statement.)

When she protested, he allegedly responded, "You want a job, right?"

And that, children, is where destroyed presidential campaigns come from.

Update: Here's the video of the press conference…

Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Gloria Allred, Herman Cain, NRA, Primaries, Republicans, Scandalgate, Sharon Bialek