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Sidwell Friends
  • Sasha and Malia Obama's First Day of School

    The president-elect's children had a big day today. Yep, it was their first day at their new school, Sidwell Friends. How exciting!

    Sasha and Malia Obama will arrive at their new school today, protected from physical attack by the Secret Service but still being thrust into the global glare accorded to celebrities.

    Wow! That brings back memories. Do you remember your first day in a new school? Receiving a brand new shiny security detail so that it was safe to wander around the halls without being thrown into a locker or pushed down a flight of stairs?

    Oh, wait. I'm confusing memories with fantasies again. I don't think I ever got that security detail I petitioned for. And then the vice-principal poured chocolate pudding down my pants.

    The girls — aged 7 and 10 — who are already being spoken about as role models for a generation of African-American children, will be educated on separate campuses at the private Sidwell Friends School.

    Now, that's a memory. The first time I realized that I was going to be an icon for black kids everywhere I went.

    No, no, I'm sorry. I'm confusing "icon" with "target." My mistake.

    Come to think of it, I do believe I'm confusing "black kids" with "all kids."

    Sigh. So many memories.


    Tags: Barack Obama, Malia Obama, Sasha Obama, Sidwell Friends, Washington DC
  • Everything You've Never Wanted To Know About the Obamas' New School

    As you've no doubt heard from People Magazine, the New York Times and the National Intelligence Briefing, Malia and Sasha Obama will soon be attending Sidwell Friends School in Washington, DC.

    Well good news for our employers at Comedy Central: It just so happens that we are graduates of the very same school. Finally, your investment in us has paid off!

    Below, we've answered some of the most frequently asked questions about Sidwell Friends to provide you an inside perspective on the future lives of our nation's First Kids (and hopefully score a reference in an upcoming Jonas Brothers episode.)

    Q: What is the deal with the name Sidwell Friends? It's so gay.

    A: The name is actually a religious reference. Sidwell Friends was founded by the group commonly known as Quakers, whose official name is the Religious Society of Friends.

    Q: Oh, I know the Quakers! They're the ones who wear old clothing and don't use electricity or zippers and ride around in…

    A: No, you're thinking of the Amish.

    Q: …a horse and buggy like it's colonial days! And they're all peasants named Methuselah or something Biblical like that and–

    A: No, that's definitely the Amish. The Quakers are totally different.

    Q: Will Malia and Sasha be the first politician's children to attend Sidwell?

    A: Definitely not. Tricia Nixon went there! (Also Chelsea Clinton, Al Gore III, three Biden grandchildren, Teddy Roosevelt's son, the child of basically every elected Democrat in Washington, blah blah blah.)

    Q: Were the kids cruel at Sidwell? Did they ever make fun of Chelsea Clinton's appearance during her awkward teenage years?

    A: No, they left that to John McCain.

    Q: I'm confused. I thought that Barack Obama would never send his kids to a Quaker School, but rather a Secret Muslim Madrassa — perhaps even an al-Qaeda training camp.

    A: Sadly, the press scrutiny would be too harsh if he did that. Sasha and Malia will hopefully get plenty of terrorist training, though, because Sidwell's Head of School is retiring, and esteemed educator Bill Ayers is surely on the short list to replace him.

    Q: Do the girls have any chance of success with a Sidwell education?

    A: Absolutely. They could be news anchors, SNL comedians, wacky TV scientists, CIA directors… The list goes on.

    Q: And if they fail?

    A: They can become online humor columnists.


    Tags: Al Gore, Amish, Barack Obama, Chelsea Clinton, Joe Biden, John McCain, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama, Sidwell Friends, Theodore Roosevelt