Latest Posts

  • Oregon Bill Could Ban Cigarettes

    Dear America, Oregon has a story to tell you about what happens when some of your legislators quit smoking tobacco and start puffing slightly more psychedelic substances: they decide that effectively criminalizing cigarettes would be a swell idea.

    Rep. Mitch Greenlick (D-Portlandia) has filed a bill that would make nicotine a Schedule III substance, placing it in the same category as ketamine, lysergic acid and anabolic steroids, and would make having it without a doctor's note a crime. Nicotine-containing products would only be available from pharmacies with a prescription.

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    Tags: Crime, Health, Oregon, Smoking
  • From the Pork Barrel: I Now Pronounce You Tower and Wife

    * Michele Bachmann's Iowa campaign chair foresees a horrible dystopian future in which women marry national monuments and nobody knows how to pronounce words like "polyamory," much less be mindlessly terrified of them.

    * Elizabeth Warren is the new Barack Obama. Which means we'll all be overcome with despair at the mere mention of her name in about three years.

    * Mitt Romney has traveled to the dark side and made it back to tell the harrowing tale.

    * Who wants to dress up as an unemployed foreclosure lawyer for Thanksgiving?!?!

    Tags: Alcohol, Barack Obama, Elizabeth Warren, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Massachusetts, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans, Senate, Smoking
  • Physical Reveals Disgustingly Healthy Barack Obama

    Another day, another valiant effort by the Obama administration to ensure the President doesn't come close to winning a second term in office. I'm referring, of course, to the release of results from Barack Obama's medical check-up

    Doctor Jeffrey Kuhlman, the White House physician who performed the examination last week, affirmed that Mr. Obama was "fit at fifty" and "staying healthy at 50+" — and that "all clinical data" indicates he will remain in excellent health "for the duration of his presidency…"

    At the time of the exam, the president weighed 181.3 lbs, his heart rate was 67 bpm and his body mass index was 23.9 kg/m2, according to the memo. His temperature was 97.7 degrees.

    What kind of American stands 6-foot-1 but weighs in at a measly 181 lbs? According to research presented at this year's American Political Science Association meeting, it's the kind of "American" voters wouldn't trust for all the glazed doughnuts and double bacon cheese thickburgers in the world…

    Miller and colleagues find that obese male candidates were actually evaluated more positively than non-obese male candidates.  Obese female candidates, however, were evaluated essentially the same or less positively than non-obese female candidates, depending on the measure of evaluation.

    The physical also described Obama as a "tobacco free,  physically active" man who "on occasion drinks alcohol in moderation." So if you're keeping score, he's not only a pretty terrible Marxist as far as policy is concerned, but a failure as a closet Muslim as well. Yet hope springs eternal. Obama's next physical is scheduled for a month after Election Day 2012, by which time he may well have abandoned Michelle Obama's socialist organic garden and settled into a more relatable All-American diet of cigarettes and Xanax.

    Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Alcohol, Barack Obama, Health, Smoking
  • Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain's New Campaign/Cigarette Ad

    I've been watching this Herman Cain ad somewhere between 15 and 20 times a day. Though, to be fair, a lot of those are while I'm drinking, and really only a few times during the workday. If I can get it down to, like, 5 or 6 times a day, I'll be happy.

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

    Tags: Fox, Herman Cain, Megyn Kelly, Primaries, Republicans, Smoking, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
  • Herman Cain Produces Brilliant Tobacco Ad

    With Herman Cain leading Mitt Romney 25% to 21% in the latest New York Times/CBS News poll, the next step for the Cain campaign is clear — it's past time to release a weird and creepy campaign advertisement to secure the allegiance of uncommitted primary voters.

    Mission accomplished. "We've run a campaign like nobody's ever seen," says the man seen loitering outside an office building in the web ad that went viral on Monday. Watch it once, watch it twice, watch it 999 times and don't miss the :40 mark of this 56 second masterpiece…

    Despite suggestions to the contrary, the star of the ad is not a registered sex offender who has managed to upload  an "unlisted" (only those with a link may see it) Youtube clip to Cain's campaign account without anyone's knowledge. In fact, the smoking man really is Mark Block, chief of staff and chief operating officer for the Cain campaign, and a former Midwestern campaign operative "banned from politics in Wisconsin for three years and forced to pay a $15,000 fine after being accused by the Wisconsin State Elections Board of violating election law" during a 1997 State Supreme Court campaign.

    And Herman Cain is probably not just a sophisticated performance artist intent on punking the GOP electorate, but is actually deeply committed to the goal of a more free/more nicotine-addicted America

    From 1996, when he left the pizza company, until 1999, Mr. Cain ran the National Restaurant Association, a once-sleepy trade group that he transformed into a lobbying powerhouse. He allied himself closely with cigarette makers fighting restaurant smoking bans, spoke out against lowering blood-alcohol limits as a way to prevent drunken driving, fought an increase in the minimum wage and opposed a patients' bill of rights — all in keeping with the interests of the industry he represented….

    Under Mr. Cain's leadership, the restaurant association opposed higher taxes on cigarettes and the use of federal money to prosecute cigarette makers for fraud — positions that Matt Myers, president of the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids said had little to do with the restaurant business.

    So maybe this ad is just a subtle piece of pro-tobacco, anti-nanny state advertising, and anyway, no one is talking about the commercial you managed to produce on your smoke break, are they?

    Tags: Advertising, Herman Cain, Primaries, Republicans, Smoking