World Cup Fever: Don't Worry, It's Almost Over

By now, you've probably heard that Germany's controversial cephalopoid goalkeeper let a crucial Spanish goal through, and ruined the Fatherland's dream of ruining La Madre Patria's dream of finally going to the World Cup finals finally for once.

So, on Sunday, we'll get to see Spain go up against the Nertherlands for all of la canicas, which is Spanish for "the marbles." (I could have said, "de knikkers," but I don't speak Dutch so goed.)

Finally, Spain will have satisfaction for that whole Eighty Years War thing. And this should only feel about half as long.

Tags: Animals, Germany, Netherlands, Soccer, Spain, Sports

World Cup Fever: The Only Vaccine for It Might Maybe Cause Autism

Just as I predicted last week, European teams swept the World Cup quarterfinals, beating the South American team in every match in which they played. The Uruguayans were lucky enough to squeak into the semifinals by playing Ghana instead of a team from Europe, but the Dutch quickly dispatched them 3-2 earlier today. So, now it's all Europe, all the way, which is very exciting for nobody except Europeans.

So, tomorrow, Germany will be playing Spain, and based upon the fact that a European team has not lost a match in more than a week, I'm predicting that both teams will win and advance to the finals, and FIFA will real quick devise a cube-shaped playing field so that the Netherlands, Spain and Germany can all play simultaneously in the finals on Sunday.

Failing that, I'm predicting Germany, because they're slightly more Europeany. (You know what I mean.)

Tags: Europe, Germany, Netherlands, Soccer, Spain, Sports, Uruguay

World Cup Fever: Rappity Rap Rapping "The Soccer (a.k.a. Football) Shuffle"

And, thus, tomorrow begins the World Cup quarterfinals, otherwise known as South America vs. The World…

Brazil v. Netherlands
Uruguay v. Ghana
Argentina v. Germany
Paraguay v. Spain

These games begin tomorrow, and by the end of the day Saturday, the World Cup will effectively be The South-Western Hemisphere Cup, and then the entire Eastern Hemisphere can rejoin us in having better things to think about.

Or, maybe I spoke too soon. It appears as though there actually are some people here in the North-Western Hemisphere who are still paying attention to this. Last night, The Daily Show — in the absence of any real news — dedicated its entire episode to this Cup of the World thing. Here's Jon Hodgman explains how FIFA can make Non-American Football more appealing to Non-Non-Americans…

The CC Insider has the complete episode in its complete completesity right over GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Argentina, Brazil, Germany, Ghana, John Hodgman, Jon Stewart, Netherlands, Paraguay, Soccer, Spain, Sports, The Daily Show, Uruguay

World Cup Fever: The Race to Go Home and Take a Nice Cool Shower

As everybody knows, this past weekend, the U.S. soccer team managed to successfully beat Ghana for the privilege of going home and watching TV and maybe having a few beers in a nice air conditioned room. (Hope you continue enjoying the African heat, Ghana!)

But oddly enough, not everybody gets so excited about being excused early from this impossibly loud and remarkably slow sporting event. Some people in some countries actually get mad about being sent home. Go figure…

Nigeria's president Goodluck Jonathan has suspended the national soccer team from international competition for two years after their dismal performance at the World Cup.

Nigeria came bottom of their group at the tournament in South Africa, losing to Argentina and Greece before drawing with South Korea.

On the plus side, though, that's two years that Nigerians are excused from having to watch soccer. So, it's not all bad.

Tags: Africa, Ghana, Nigeria, Soccer, Sports

Are You Aware That "Soccer," "Socialism," "Satan" and "Sodomy" All Start with the Same Letter?

It's true! Racist basement guy here is not lying. I checked it out with the dictionary and everything! There are no coincidences, obviously (don't be naive!), so something insidious is afoot.

And those Mexicans from Brazil (the worst kinds of Mexicans) are probably behind it.

Tags: Brazil, Mexico, Racism, Satan, Soccer, Socialism, Sports