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  • Scroogey Swiss Judge Persecutes Noble C.I.A. Informants

    Merry First Work Day After Christmas, sugar lumpkins! Did your children sufficiently rejoice over the leavings of a mythical fat man in a creepy suit? No? Well, surely a tale of alleged James Bond-ian international nuclear smuggling will serve to brighten your mood!

    A seven-year effort by the Central Intelligence Agency to hide its relationship with a Swiss family who once acted as moles inside the world’s most successful atomic black market hit a turning point on Thursday when a Swiss magistrate recommended charging the men with trafficking in technology and information for making nuclear arms.

    First of all, "magistrate" is an adorable occupation. It is up there with "cooper" and "blacksmith" in the Cute Professional Nomenclature Hall of Fame. Second, what what whaaat?

    This naughty Swiss family sounds just as clever and even more inventive than the Swiss Family Robinson, who crafted an entire live/work Kennedy-esque compound using only their smarts and the surprisingly useful bounty of a wrecked ship. Let's learn more about our new neutral, chocolate-loving, ski-happy heroes!

    The three men — Friedrich Tinner and his two sons, Urs and Marco — helped run the atomic smuggling ring of A. Q. Khan, an architect of Pakistan’s nuclear bomb program, officials in several countries have said. In return for millions of dollars, according to former Bush administration officials, the Tinners secretly worked for the C.I.A. as well, not only providing information about the Khan network’s manufacturing and sales efforts, which stretched from Iran to Libya to North Korea, but also helping the agency introduce flaws into the equipment sent to some of those countries.

    Friedrich, Urs, and Marco ratted on their boss to the C. I. frickin' A.?! These Swiss warriors risked the Wrath of Khan to make our government happy? WHY exactly are these people being prosecuted in their dumb, clock-obsessed home country?

    The U.S. should offer these Aryans sanctuary in a marvelous Florida treehouse of their very own, plus give them their own starfleet to command, plus give them a lifetime supply of Yodels for their trouble.

    Tags: CIA, Spying, Switzerland
  • More Pakistanis Defriend the C.I.A.

    What-oh! There's a storm a-brewin' between American and Pakistani intelligence agencies. Perhaps it's more accurate to say "a storm has been a-brewin' forever and is now raining medium-size balls of hail which will eventually get bigger and bigger until each hail ball weighs as much as a monster truck." Here's why

    The Central Intelligence Agency's top clandestine officer in Islamabad was pulled from the country on Thursday amid an escalating war of recriminations between American and Pakistani spies, with some American officials convinced that the officer's cover was deliberately blown by Pakistan's military intelligence agency.

    Ooh… yeah. That… that'll do it. And the timing couldn't have been more awkward, coming as it did on the same day Obama presented the Afghanistan-Pakistan Annual Review.

    So, how did the identity of this top-secret superspy come to be known? He was "named publicly in a legal complaint sent to Pakistani police this week by the family of victims of the spy agency’s campaign of drone strikes in Pakistan’s tribal areas."

    This begs another question: How exactly did a family in a remote tribal area discover the name of Jimmy Bond (haha, that is not his name, but imagine if it were!) in the first place?

    But the officials said there is strong suspicion that operatives of Pakistan's powerful spy service, the Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence, had a hand in revealing the C.I.A. officer’s identity — possibly in retaliation for a civil lawsuit filed in Brooklyn last month implicating the I.S.I. chief in the Mumbai terror attacks of November 2008.

    Jeez. What is the chance the I.S.I. and C.I.A. are going to be invited to each other's ugly Christmas sweater parties this year? Probably about as good as the chance that the U.S. will stop bombing the fuck out of rural Pakistan anytime in the next five to ten years.

    Tags: CIA, Military, Pakistan, Spying
  • U.S. Struggling to Deal with Crippling Embarrassment Over WikiLeaks Scandal

    Unlike most Americans, after this long holiday weekend — the massive dump that employees of the U.S. State Department are struggling to deal with is unrelated to leftover turkey & stuffing enchiladas. It concerns several hundred thousand of embarrassing diplomatic cables released by WikiLeaks, and their stench is just as foul

    The disclosure of the cables is sending shudders through the diplomatic establishment, and could strain relations with some countries, influencing international affairs in ways that are impossible to predict.

    Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and American ambassadors around the world have been contacting foreign officials in recent days to alert them to the expected disclosures. A statement from the White House on Sunday said: "We condemn in the strongest terms the unauthorized disclosure of classified documents and sensitive national security information."

    Something obviously needs to be done about this. The United States simply cannot have the world seeing all of its catty IM transcripts in which it laughs with the United Kingdom over the size of Pakistan's ass. But what can we do? Rep. Pete has an idea

    Rep. Pete King (R-N.Y.), the incoming chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, called for U.S. officials to get aggressive against WikiLeaks after the website published highly sensitive, classified diplomatic cables that reveal frank assessments of foreign leaders and the war on terror.

    "I am calling on the attorney general and supporting his efforts to fully prosecute WikiLeaks and its founder for violating the Espionage Act. And I'm also calling on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to declare WikiLeaks a foreign terrorist organization," King said on WNIS radio on Sunday evening.

    Brilliant idea. It would be unthinkable for a small collection of dedicated foreign ideologues led by one charismatic man to elude all U.S. efforts to thwart their plans and bring them to justice after they've been labeled terrorists. Can you even imagine?

    Tags: Hillary Clinton, Homeland Security, House of Representatives, Internet, Julian Assange, Obama Administration, Spying, Terrorism, WikiLeaks
  • Joe Biden Whines About "Whining" Liberals

    President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden have a real problem on their hands. For some reason, our nation's liberal bloggers and activists are being insufficiently obsequious

    At a fundraiser in Manchester, NH, today, Vice President Biden urged Democrats to "remind our base constituency to stop whining and get out there and look at the alternatives. This President has done an incredible job. He’s kept his promises."

    The remarks, made to roughly 200 top Democratic activists and donors, recall comments President Obama made last week to "griping and groaning Democrats…Folks: wake up. This is not some academic exercise. As Joe Biden put it, Don’t compare us to the Almighty, compare us to the alternative."

    Oh, that'll work. For sure! 'Cause say what you will about liberal activists with strong convictions, but they are polite and cordial. I'm certain that as soon as they are informed that their attempts at defending their principles are being perceived by the administration as "whining," "griping and groaning," they'll back off immediately. And probably send over a pound cake by way of apology.

    Your Typical Liberal: Oh! I do say! Have my attempts to wring accountability from this presidency been coming off as a bit gauche? Heavens to mercy, I do sincerely apologize, most indeededly so!

    Did I come off as a bit too fussy the whole wiretapping the Internet thing? And when I was complaining about the administration issuing a death warrant for an American citizen without due process and then having the ensuing lawsuit thrown out of court to protect "state secrets," I did not intend to come off as rude. And that time that I complained about the president, after promising substantive change to the LGBT community, allowing a repeal of DADT to founder on the Senate floor without so much as lifting a finger to help it along, did I seem a bit too persnickety? Oh, is my face red!

    Problem solved, Mr. President and Mr. Vice President. Problem solved.

    Tags: al Qaeda, Barack Obama, Constitution, Internet, Joe Biden, Liberals, Spying, Terrorism
  • The Daily Show's Best Karl Rove Moments

    The "Frank Lloyd Right Wing of the Republican Party" may not be as visible as he once was, but be not afraid, America. Karl Rove is still out there wallowing in our political sewers, ratfucking just as many ratfucks as he ever ratfucked. Sleep easy knowing that he is still on the job.

    It is in his honor, that we offer to you this collection of The Daily Show's best of the worst…

    Karl Rove's Greatest Hits

    The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

    Read More »

    Tags: Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Karl Rove, Samantha Bee, Spying, The Daily Show, Valerie Plame, Video