You Know What They Say: Breaking Up (With the Leader of the Nation's Counter-Insurgency Efforts in Afghanistan) Is Hard to Do
[Note from Dennis: Last week, I made a joke (not a joke) about how jealous I was that Indecision friend Sara Benincasa would be providing a weekly column to Wonkette. Well, whine and you shall receive, apparently. I'm happy to say that -- after some stiff negotiations with a lot of people in suits yelling at a lot of other people in suits and at least one man with a briefcase being reduced to tears -- Sara is going to be joining us at Indecision on a daily basis.]
As you've probably heard, this week President Barack Obama found out that Gen. Stanley McChrystal — commander of U.S. troops in Afghanistan — was totally not as into their romance as he’d thought. This obviously came as a crushing blow to Obama’s feelings, because even when you know a relationship is kind of troubled, you still don’t want to admit it to yourself, right? But then your bitchy gay friend, the one who dated that poor girl in the band for so long and then ditched her to fellate that guy who helps make the costumes for the spring musical, tells everybody that your boyfriend has been talking shit about you and your friends to his bro-dawgs. At that point, you have to do something, or else everyone at school will think you’re not a good friend and that you’re totally just desperate to keep your man around.
But then Stan was all, “Evs, you can’t dump me, I’m dumping you” and broke up with Barry in a note!!!!! But the note was actually kind of good, because Stan admitted that he’d been a total dick and that he didn’t deserve to be Barry’s rough-trade military-industrial boyfriend anymore.
Obama was real classy about it afterwards, and then he immediately jumped into something new with Gen. David Petraeus, because he’s afraid to be alone. Also, everybody says Petraeus is totally dreamy and probably a great lay…
"General Petraeus, 57, brings an extraordinary set of skills to his new job: a Boy Scout’s charm, penetrating intelligence and a ferocious will to succeed. At ease with the press and the public, and an adept negotiator, General Petraeus will probably distinguish himself from his predecessor with the political skills that carried him through the most difficult months of the counteroffensive in Iraq known as the surge.
And that’s great and all, but doesn’t Obama need, you know, some time to heal from that messy breakup? You can’t really love someone else until you deeply know and love yourself. It would probably be better for everybody if Obama just made himself Generalissimo of Eternity and personally ran the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, plus Central Command, plus all the branches of the Armed Forces. By not doing this, he fails to fufill the promise of that will.i.am video.
The precious Youth Vote is now lost, forever.
Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, David Petraeus, Military, Sara Benincasa, Stanley McChrystal
As you may have heard, General Stanley McChrystal will be at The White House today to answer to President Obama for his controversial Rolling Stone profile. I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to make sense of all this. I mean, it's just so shocking. Rolling Stone is still in print?
Stephen Colbert's take on the story can be seen below.
Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Energy & Oil, Fox, Gulf Coast, Joe Biden, Jon Stewart, Sean Hannity, Stanley McChrystal, Steve Doocy, The Daily Show, Video
It appears as though Gen. Stanley McChrystal has resigned from his job as the commander of the U.S. military efforts in Afghanistan, presumably to pursue a lucrative career as a make-believe character in a New York Times Bestselling political thriller.
Tags: Afghanistan, Military, Stanley McChrystal
It's about time the American people have seen something worthwhile come out of our never-ending, , ever-escalating, money-pit of a war in Afghanistan. Have you seen this Rolling Stone profile on Afghanistan commander and walking cartoon character Gen. Stanley McChrystal? The full article has just appeared online, and I haven't gotten all the way through it yet, but, so far, it's the best thing I've read from them in years.
Dressed in off-the-rack civilian casual — blue tie, button-down shirt, dress slacks — McChrystal is way out of his comfort zone. Paris, as one of his advisers says, is the "most anti-McChrystal city you can imagine." The general hates fancy restaurants, rejecting any place with candles on the tables as too "Gucci." He prefers Bud Light Lime (his favorite beer) to Bordeaux, Talladega Nights (his favorite movie) to Jean-Luc Godard…
McChrystal takes a final look around the suite. At 55, he is gaunt and lean, not unlike an older version of Christian Bale in Rescue Dawn. His slate-blue eyes have the unsettling ability to drill down when they lock on you. If you've fucked up or disappointed him, they can destroy your soul without the need for him to raise his voice.
"I'd rather have my ass kicked by a roomful of people than go out to this dinner," McChrystal says. He pauses a beat. "Unfortunately," he adds, "no one in this room could do it." With that, he's out the door.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I love it! The best! Really, absolutely the best! I wanna read a 700-page version of this article while sitting on a beach after slathering myself with SPF 200 sunscreen and congratulate myself for how literary I am over dinner at TGI Fridays! Who's gonna play Gen. McChrystal in the film version of this article? Bruce Willis (if the funding comes through) or Steven Seagal (most likely)?
Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Military, Stanley McChrystal