Tea Party Solves Debt Crisis: Impeach Obama!

Meet your new King of Rational Thought. His name is Rep. Michael Burgess, and he moonlights as an obstetrician. He's also smack dab in the glorious midst of his fifth term as a Republican legislator from the great nation of Texas. Much like his Republican forefathers in the House way back in 1998, he's come up with a brilliant idea to deal with this pesky Demmy-crat president: IMPEACH!

Obviously, he voiced this sentiment at a Tea Party party or rally or corn-husking bee or whatever it is those people do when they hang out as a group…

Burgess spoke… in response to an attendee's suggestion that the GOP-controlled House use impeachment to stop Obama from "pushing his agenda."

"It needs to happen, and I agree with you it would tie things up," Burgess responded, the paper said. "No question about that."

When the [Fort Worth] Star-Telegram's reporter asked Burgess about the comment, he said the House needs to do what it can to stop the president. "We need to tie things up," Burgess said. "The longer we allow the damage to continue unchecked, the worse things are going to be for us."

This man — who gets paid to look into the vaginas of ladies and pull out our future (i.e., the children) — has pulled out something even more amazing: The solution to all our problems. Yes, let's impeach our president for "pushing his agenda," since he is the first president to ever push an agenda or to even have an agenda.

He and Rep. Steve King (R-I.A.) and Rep. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) can start an impeachment club with other Tea Party friends. It can meet right after their morning liberty and truth knitting club and right before their afternoon pray away the gay luncheon. And once they achieve their goal, everyone will be rich and have so many guns and babies, hooray!

Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, House of Representatives, Impeachment, Republicans, Steve King, Tea Party, Texas, Tim Scott

Stephen Colbert on the Coming Free-Birth Control Apocalypse

This is how it all ends, people. First, women get free birth control, via their health care provider. Then the birth rate drops significantly amongst women who are unprepared to raise children. Then something else happens. And then, finally, a plague of unrelenting death sweeps across the nation. It all makes perfect sense!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Armageddon, Fox, Health, Health Care, House of Representatives, Iowa, Men and Women, Sex, Stephen Colbert, Steve King, The Colbert Report, Video, Women's Rights

Rep. Steve King Warns of Dystopic Wasteland Future if Women Get Birth Control with No Co-Pay

Look, it's bad enough that Barack Obama's Affordable Care Act offers people affordable health care, but what's up with this new provision which allows women to get free birth control. Why, that's nothing more than the government-issued pre-abortions for sex-crazed harlots! What's next? Free pedicures and manicures?!*

Conservatives are understandably dismayed with this new witchery, but none have expressed the grave dangers posed by its implementation better than Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa). A quick warning before you read his words: They just might chill you to the bone…

"They've called it preventative medicine. Preventative medicine. Well if you applied that preventative medicine universally what you end up with is you've prevented a generation.

"Preventing babies from being born is not medicine. That's not — that's not constructive to our culture and our civilization. If we let our birth rate get down below replacement rate we're a dying civilization."

It's very hard to argue with that kind of logic. A + B = C, right? Women plus free birth control pills equals the end of all humanity! There is literally no other way to look at this provision other than as a direct affront to all of God's creation.

We all knew that Barack Obama's motives in securing health care to all Americans was nefarious. But who could have guess that his master plan involved wiping out the human race?

Come to think of it, I'm sure a lot of Glenn Beck fans were hip to that a while ago.

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^{* Actual argument actually made by an actual Fox News "expert."}

Photo by Scott J. Ferrell/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

Tags: Armageddon, Health, Health Care, House of Representatives, Iowa, Men and Women, Sex, Steve King, Women's Rights

Jon Stewart on the Response to Stephen Colbert's Testimony

Last week, Stephen Colbert testified before Congress about illegal farm workers, and many in Washington were outraged. In fact, I heard one Congressman was so incensed, he could barely even finish the oil industry-funded baby he was feasting on for lunch.

After the jump, Stephen Colbert apologizes to Iowa.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday starting at 11pm / 10c.

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Tags: Fox, House of Representatives, Immigration, Iowa, Jon Stewart, March to Keep Fear Alive, Megyn Kelly, Rally to Restore Sanity, Stephen Colbert, Steve King, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Tucker Carlson, Video

The Daily Show on the Tea Party Foxpublicans' Health Care Protests

I'm starting to have mixed feelings about the anti-health-care-reform movement. On the one hand, if the Teabaggers are right, the health care bill will tear apart the very fabric of our freedom, throwing able-bodied citizens into forced labor camps and euthanizing everyone over 40. On the other hand, I've always wondered what soylent green tastes like.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Dick Morris, Fox, Health Care, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Michele Bachmann, Mike Huckabee, Nancy Pelosi, Steve King, Tea Party, The Daily Show, Video