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Switzerland
  • Fun Sorority Meeting Will Determine If Iran Gets to Kill You

    Today a giant sorority of seven cute nations gets together in Geneva to have a chat about Iran's nuclear plans. The gals in question are the U.S. (the bossy one); China (the backstabbing Asian babe you totes can't trust with your secrets); Britain (the pale, uptight virgin); France (the gorgeous snob); Germany (the overly cheery born-again who used to be a terrible bitch); Russia (the fun, drunk trainwreck); and Iran (hot trouble with a capital "T.")

    Here's a rundown of how the convo will probably definitely go down…

    Britain: Alright then, girls, let's come to order. Order, please? Order? If you could perhaps stop speaking, just for — perhaps for a moment?

    China: But when you do speak, please be sure to enunciate directly into the teacups I so graciously provided. Please do use an elevated volume of voice and return each cup to me after the meeting concludes. Feel free to share everything on your minds and to provide essential details.

    U.S.: Christ, everybody shut up. Except for me. Would you like a donut? You would? Great. Here you go. I assume I can expect your undying loyalty from now until the end of time. Remember, I have Predator drones!

    France: These teacups are not Limoges, and therefore I shall not drink from them. You all smell like boxed wine and other totems of low culture.

    Germany: Speaking of tea, can I get anybody anything? Sugar? Lemon? Napkins? Thanks for inviting me, by the way. I mean, really. I'm just, I'm really glad everything is just cool with us, and that we can be friends for real now. I feel like you guys really like me for real, am I right?

    Russia: WHO WANT TO MAKE FUCK AND SWIM IN POOL OF VODKA?!

    Iran: I want to blow you all to shit. HAHA! J/K! No, but really.


    Tags: China, France, Germany, Iran, Nuclear, Russia, Switzerland, United Kingdom
  • Switzerland Ends Terrorist Violence Forever with Not at All Stupid Anti-Muslim Referendum

    Switzerland has figured out the perfect way to end Islamic terrorism! Just don't let anyone build those spire things that Muslims like to put on top of their mosques. It's so simple! How come nobody thought of this before?

    Swiss voters have approved a move to ban the construction of new minarets in the country.

    Final results show that over 57 percent of voters backed the proposal in a referendum that was held today following an initiative by a right wing political party. Turnout was reported at about 55 percent…

    The Swiss government had urged voters to reject the proposed ban on new minarets, saying it would violate religious freedom and human rights, as well as potentially provoking Islamist radicalism and harming Switzerland's image.

    You see, if you can't build minarets, then you can't build a mosque that looks like a mosque. So, people don't know where to go to do Islamic stuff. So, they'll just wander around the city for a while until they get tired and decide to go home and be atheists.

    And, as everybody knows, Muslims turn to terrorism because they feel safe and included by society. So, if you take away that safety and inclusion, you also take away their desire to turn to fundamentalism and violence. Because who ever heard of a lonely, disaffected person becoming convinced to commit a senseless act of violence?

    There is absolutely no way that this well-thought-out scheme can possibly backfire.


    Tags: Islam, Religion, Switzerland, Terrorism