Failed Times Square Bomber Arrested Failing to Fly to Dubai

Good news, everybody! They arrested the guy who tried to blow up Times Square…

Federal agents and police detectives arrested [Faisal Shahzad] a Connecticut man, a naturalized United States citizen from Pakistan, early Tuesday in connection with the failed Times Square car bombing, according to people briefed on the investigation…

Mr. Shahzad was taken into custody at Kennedy Airport, apparently trying to flee, one of the people said. Charges against Mr. Shahzad, who had returned recently from a trip to Pakistan, were not announced.

There you go. He was just some guy who recently got back from a mysterious trip to his native country of Pakistan — where the U.S. is currently waging a CIA drone war against the Taliban — and the FBI arrested him on his way to the United Arab Emirates — where a bunch of people were just caught funneling money to, um, well… the Taliban.

But, we got him! So, everything's cool. Nothing at all to worry about from now until the next time on.

Tags: Faisal Shahzad, FBI, New York, New York City, Pakistan, Taliban, Terrorism

Stephen Colbert Tackles the Serious, Complicated Issue of the Ongoing Conflict in Afghanistan and How Eric Massa Is So Totally Gay

Thank God for Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) for bringing more much-needed attention to this whole Eric Massa thing…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Afghanistan, al Qaeda, Dennis Kucinich, Eric Massa, Hamid Karzai, House of Representatives, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Military, Patrick Kennedy, Rhode Island, Scandalgate, Sex, Stephen Colbert, Taliban, Terrorism, The Colbert Report

Charlie Wilson Is Funding Secret Wars Against Soviet Souls in Heaven Now

Sad news. Former Congressperson Charlie Wilson — the Texas Democrat who, along with Philip Seymour Hoffman, made it his mission in life to fund Afghan mujahideen freedom fighters well enough that they could wage a secret war against their Soviet occupiers — has died today at the age of 76…

Mr. Wilson's clandestine support for the Central Intelligence Agency's effort to arm Afghan mujahideen fighters inspired a book and a movie titled "Charlie Wilson's War." The movie starred Tom Hanks as Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson represented his East Texas district from 1973 to 1997, and served on the House Appropriations Committee. From that position, Mr. Wilson forged alliances with powerful members of Congress, and with operatives in the CIA, to send weapons to the Afghan resistance capable of bringing down Soviet helicopters, according to George Crile's book. The defeat of the Soviet Army in Afghanistan and its retreat in 1988 was a turning point in the Cold War. As recounted in Mr. Crile's book, some of the Afghan fighters aided by the CIA and Mr. Wilson's efforts later turned on the U.S.

Here's some footage from Charlie Wilson later in life, after he left Congress and restarted his career as a black R&B singer…

Smooth as silk.

Tags: Afghanistan, Charlie Wilson, CIA, House of Representatives, Russia, Taliban

The Real Message of Obama's Afghanistan Speech: No More Pizza in America

Andrew Malcolm, the Andy Rooney of the internet, can always be relied upon for one incisive observation or another. So you can just bet that nobody read President Obama's Afghanistan speech as hard as Andrew Malcolm read it…

President Obama spoke 4,582 words in his prime-time Afghanistan war speech at West Point last night.

He said "Al Qaeda" 22 times.

He mentioned the "Taliban" 12 times.

And here's how many times the Democratic chief executive used the word "victory" — 0.

!!!!!

Also, additionally, furthermore, here is how many times the Democratic chief executive used the word "pizza" — 0.

!!!!!

Do the math, SHEEPLE, and do it fast before HUSSEIN OBAMA obstructs numbers by not saying them in speeches either.

Tags: Afghanistan, al Qaeda, Andrew Malcolm, Barack Obama, Grammar, Taliban

Taliban Releases New Code of Conduct for More People-Friendly People-Murder

New rules for all of you Mujahideen soldiers out there fighting for your own local branch of the Taliban franchise.

The bad news is that you're gonna have to start following orders from the head office and you're gonna have to be a little more careful about who you decide to kill.

The good news is that this is gonna do wonders for your PR!

"Suicide attacks should be used only on High and important targets. A brave son of Islam should not be used for lower and useless targets. The utmost effort should be made to avoid civilian casualties."

You're only allowed to blow yourself up with explosives to murder people who are deemed "important"? And you should probably try to not murder innocent people who just so happen to be standing nearby in the process?

Ugh! That's even more annoying than when they changed the computer log-in process so that every password was obligated to contain a number.

Tags: Afghanistan, Islam, Taliban