* Newly announced senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren makes a somewhat simple but overlooked point: "There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody!" That's the problem with this country — even the capitalists are socialists!
* Anti-government intervention, free-market Republicans ask Harvard to stop paying Elizabeth Warren's salary.
* Barack Obama patiently explains to United Nations why United Nations is kind of useless. Wasn't quite as well received you might expect.
Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Education, Elizabeth Warren, Haggard's Law, Israel, Massachusetts, Palestine, Polls, Pork Barrel, Scott Brown, Senate, Ted Haggard, Television, United Nations
Hey, have you heard the good news? Turns out that gay conservative pastor Ted Haggard who was caught having multiple gay sex encounters with a gay sex male prostitute isn't gay after all…
Mr. Haggard said that is ridiculous. He portrays his encounter with the prostitute as a massage that went awry and said he doesn't have same-sex attractions. He dismisses as a "witch hunt" the findings of his former church that he engaged in a pattern of misconduct, including sordid talk and inappropriate relationships. (He said his only fault was cracking a few crude jokes.)
Aw, that's so nice to know. Glad he finally decided to set the record straight. So, in honor of his brave admission of having done nothing wrong, here's a collection of some of our favorite moments of the Daily Show reporting on Haggard and his fellow non-gay conservative anti-gay crusaders…
November 6, 2006: Ted Haggard
More incidents of Haggard's Law after the jump.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.
Tags: Catholic Church, Christianity, Conservatives, Family Research Council, George Rekers, Haggard's Law, House of Representatives, Larry Craig, LGBT, Religion, Republicans, Senate, Ted Haggard
Last night, a friend and I were discussing the yawnful revelation that a conservative anti-gay legislator has amazingly somehow turned out to be gay — as well as the just-then-breaking news that Vatican blah blah blah gay sex scandal blah blah blah staggeringly extreme hypocrisy blah blah blah — and my friend dismissively waved it all off, muttering something about "Haggard's Law."
Now, I'm not sure if my friend believes to have made up "Haggard's Law" or heard it someplace else, but I consulted The Oracle of the Internet, and it turns out it's been in existence kinda sorta since around the time the anti-gay conservative religious leader Ted Haggard was outed as the closeted meth-smoking hypocrite (and supposedly now straight advocate of praying away the gay) that he is.
It is, in the best way that I can state it…
Haggard's Law – The likelihood of a person harboring secret desires to engage in sexual and/or romantic activities with members of the same sex is directly proportional to the frequency and volume of said person's vocalized objections to homosexuality.
Now, I have no idea why I had never heard this phrase until last night, nor do I know why this isn't more popular than it currently is. But I think that needs to change. I think this needs to be as common in Internet parlance as "Poe's Law," "Godwin's Law" and
xkcd's4chan's "Rule 34."
From now on, every time somebody combs their hair and puts on a tie and makes himself look all nice so that he can go on television or stand in front of a congregation and loudly explain why one group of people do not deserve the same rights as everybody else because of their sexual orientation, the first thing that should go through all of our minds is "Haggard's Law."
And then we should dismissively wave it off and go get another beer.
Can we do this? Can we do this, please?
Update: Whoops. My mistake. I mistakenly attributed Rule 34 to xkcd, when I should have attributed it to 4chan. I am a terrible, terrible person. (Thanks, LK, manmanpotty and Randall Munroe. (I suppose I'll take your word on it, I guess.))
Update also: Thanks to jason and/or maxiplatypus for this: Haggard's Law has made it past the difficult academic review board, and is now included in Urban Dictionary.
Tags: California, Catholic Church, Haggard's Law, LGBT, Roy Ashburn, Scandalgate, Ted Haggard, Vatican
Good news, everyone! Ted Haggard isn't gay anymore. He was gay there for all of his life, but then he went to the doctor and got cured. His wife said so to Meredith Vieira — so, you know — you can take that to the straight-people bank for totally straight people…
"Our relationship is better than it's ever been. Going over this mountain together has given me the marriage that I've always longed for," Gayle Haggard told TODAY's Meredith Vieira Wednesday in New York. Gayle Haggard had come to discuss her new book, "Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour."…
To Vieira, Gayle added, "In Ted's case, he had had some experiences as a child that kept replaying themselves in his mind. Once he went to therapy he was able to identify that and was given the tools to deal with it. Because of that, he no longer has those compulsions. That's not true for every[Ed note: any]body. That's his story."
Oh! "Experiences as a child!" Is that how people get The Gay? It must be, because it makes so much sense.
Did he also have a methamphetamine experience as a child? He must have, right?
Tags: Christianity, Drugs, LGBT, Religion, Republicans, Sex, Ted Haggard
Republicans and gay people. They're quite the odd bedfellows. On the one hand, the Republican Party seems opposed to granting homosexual Americans anything other than some halfhearted lip service while they pound away at their rights. And, on the other, double entendre double entendre double entendre.
Now, with a Massachusetts Republican gubernatorial candidate choosing an openly gay homosexual as his running mate, we are tempted to consider whether this is the dawning of a new day in their relationship. Or is it just another one-off evening in an airport bathroom stall?
To better understand their long history together, let's take a look back over the past few years with The Daily Show…
The Best F#@king News Team Ever – Larry Craig Bathroom
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.
Tags: Aasif Mandvi, Dick Cheney, John McCain, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Larry Craig, LGBT, Mary Cheney, Military, Republicans, Ted Haggard, The Daily Show