David Fowler — president of the Family Action Council of Tennessee, one of those embarrassing public relations firms for Jesus that the big guy probably doesn't know he hired — has finally figured out the meaning of Mark 10:21-22.
The verse reads, "You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me," but the deeper meaning says, "Don't do any of that shit, because if you give the poor any help, they're gonna expect it all the damn time."
So sayeth Fowler…
His solution, posted on his personal Facebookpage, is to follow the advice of the National Park Service: "Do not feed the animals."
"Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves," Fowler wrote in the post. "This ends today's lesson."
All this stuff must be in the missing Gnostic gospels, the supplementary materials that explains why Jesus chased the money-changers from the temple. (Because there was more room for them in the halls of Congress, duh.)
This also represents progress for many of Tennessee's reactionaries. Yes, they're linking the recipients of SNAP benefits to wild animals and calling for the law of the jungle to apply to human social life, but at least they finally have some nice things to say about Darwinism.
Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Animals, Christianity, Food, Tennessee
* Barack Obama would be the lamest superhero ever. He doesn't even want the ability to speak with fish. He essentially wants the ability to speak with cabdrivers.
* Alright, people! In this new modern age of reason, we can't afford let just anybody vote simply because they're U.S. citizens. Those freewheelin' liberal days of the Jim Crow laws are over!
* Mitt Romney seems to be going hard for the that guy that's in every office meeting vote.
* In case you're wondering, there's zero hard feelings between the Romney family and the Obama family. Just look at this sweet gesture from Ann and her sons.
* Download our free iPhone and iPad app Indecision Election Companion and jump up into the the Peanut Gallery — our liveblog/instant reaction arena — to watch and respond with us as ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulos keeps it light with a special discussion on the impended bankruptcy of the United States.
Photo by Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Economy, Pork Barrel, Tennessee, Voter Suppression
For each of the following views, identify whether the belief is held by the Tennessee Democratic Party's candidate for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Bob Corker, or by the tin-foiled gentleman on your local neighborhood street-corner yelling about black helicopters…
1. Opposition to the "NAFTA Superhighway," a project intended to create a new North American Union, whose currency will be the Amero.
2. Opposition to "AN ORWELLIAN SUPER STATE" that will lead to the imprisonment of dissenting Americans in a "a bone-crushing prison camp similar to the one Alexander Solzhenitsyn was sent to or one of FEMA's prison camps"
3. Belief that Google, "acting in concert with the Communist Chinese government" is adjusting its algorithm to remove him from the search results.
4. Belief that Barack Obama's parents may have orchestrated placement of a birth announcement in Hawaii newspapers because they could have "announced that by telegram from Kenya."
5. The view that "[Arnold] Schwarzenegger, born in Austria, wants to amend the Constitution so that he can become president and fulfill Hitler's superman scenario."
Answers after the jump…
Tags: Conspiracies, Democrats, Games and Challenges, Tennessee
Oh my God! Did you hear about the assassination attempt on Barack Obama?!
Well, not an actual assassination attempt. A make-believe one planned by the President himself.
Also, not an actual make-believe assassination attempt planned by the President. A rumor about one that somebody supposedly heard tell of somehow and then posted about on some blog somewhere.
A Republican member of the Tennessee state legislature emailed constituents Tuesday morning with a rumor circulating in conservative circles that President Barack Obama is planning to stage a fake assassination attempt in an effort to stop the 2012 election from happening.
Stop right there! Stop reading, and consider something. These are adult people who are spreading this rumor. I only mention because because you might be inclined, midway through that last paragraph to forget that, and think that we're talking about 10-year-old children. But, no, they are in fact adults.
And at least one of them is an elected official…
Tags: Assassinations, Barack Obama, Homeland Security, State Legislature, Tennessee
Facebook is good for two things: provoking family members who don't share your political opinions and trolling for OPP (other potential presidents)…
Suspicious that his live-in girlfriend was planning an affair, a Tennessee man confronted the woman after spotting a photo of an unknown guy on her Facebook page, according to a police report.
As it turned out, the woman was looking at a picture of Mitt Romney. Her boyfriend was apparently not satisfied with the explanation, though, which I can relate to because I'm not satisfied that anyone doesn't know what Mitt Romney looks like at this point. After a tussle for the laptop, the police were called, and the man was charged with domestic abuse. Maybe they'll teach him about Mitt Romney in jail.
While there's never an excuse for domestic violence, you can't blame women for wanting to vote Romney. Those silver sideburns and carefully dyed coif, that come-hither blank stare, the skin tanned by more vacation hours than most of us will see in a lifetime… No doubt about it, Mitt Romney is a handsome man. He might be bad for women, but he'll look good doing it.
Some women like the bad boy. The kind of hot-blooded man who gets jealous of another city's Olympics preparedness and then takes it out on the Palestinians. Some people say he's no good, but they just don't know the real him. When it's just you and him, he's almost like an actual human being. Who cares if he's the #2 cause of domestic violence among men who have no idea what's been going on in politics for the past twenty years?
At least he has nothing to do with the #1 cause, which is probably mandated healthcare from that Obama.
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Economy, Facebook, Mitt Romney, Tennessee, Women's Rights