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The Bad News
  • The Bad News:Ponzi Madness, Universal Soldiers and The Pool of Skulls



    Is That Why There's A Pyramid On The Back Of The Dollar? Another day, another Ponzi scheme.  This time, it's in California and a mere $200 million was bilked from investors. The creepiest part of this story is the realization that there are probably more of these investment scams out there, waiting to be revealed. It's a good thing I invest exclusively in shot-gun shells and canned beef stew. []

    It's Not A Death Metal Band, It's A Real Pool of Skulls: It's like a scene out of an Indiana Jones movie — a pond dries up to reveal a bed of human skulls. 100 of them. Apparently, it was just a convenient place to dump bodies post-autopsy. Makes perfect sense. Why waste beer time on digging shallow graves? []

    In Uncle Sam We Trust: The US government would never, ever experiment on it's soldiers. Except for those couple few times back in history, but whatevs. That was then, when we thought smoking made your lungs strong and women were quieter. So these soldiers who are bringing a suit against the military, accusing that trustworthy institution of messing with their minds, must be mistaken. Clearly, they were abducted by aliens, or time-travelling Soviet madmen. []

    Tags: Marriage Equality, Military, The Bad News
  • The Bad News: Taser Injustice, Terrorist Cells and God Hates Dog


    Tasered To Death: Justice in Tennessee is a curious thing. A jury recently found that police did not use excessive force when they tasered a man nineteen times, killing him. The 21 year old victim was tripping on LSD, and acting "strangely" outside of a club when he was repeatedly zapped by cops. I would hate to find out what exactly constitutes "excessive force." []

    Amatuer Terrorists On The Loose: The only good news is that the quartet of would-be car bombers caught in New York City are not members of any known terrorist groups. They're just four whack-jobs with a plot. The bad news is that they were committed enough to try and pull the caper off. But then there's good news again: they're stupid, and were busted. But wait! More bad news: they might not be the only lone whack-jobs with lethal delusions of grandeur. []

    Crazy Man Beats Dog: "Hey Dude, it's me God. First things first — you're God too. We're both God. Got it? Secondly, the dog next door? The one barking all the time? That dog is the devil. Since we're God, we need to deal with the devil. So here's my suggestion: grab a cinder block, and crack the devil in it's snout." []

    Lorena Bobbit Redux: Here's a standard romantic story: boy meets girl, boy cheats on girl, girl nearly bites boy's junk off. Actually, this is a cautionary tale. Or maybe a horror story? Definitely a potential Lifetime Movie, not to mention total bad news, especially if you're the Belgian with the wandering eye and the savaged manhood. []

    Tags: Terrorism, The Bad News
  • The Bad News: Denture Theft, Gun Safety Absurdity and More Cheney


    Tooth Fairy Meet Tooth Robber: It's tough economic times for those with a history of poor dental hygiene. In fact, it drove one man to hold another man up at gunpoint and demand his dentures! The story is more complex than that, of course, as such stories frequently are. That's what's terrible about these times, you can't have a simple denture-stealing story anymore. Use to be, the story was "Man Robs Man For Teeth." But now… there's all this nuance. []

    Persians Pursue Revenge Against Spawn of Sparta: Everyone is freaking out over Iran testing a long range missile that could hit Israel and US bases in the region. Everyone should chill out. Iran has a missile, and is on it's way towards developing a nuke. So what? Israel has like, dozens of nukes and superior missile technology, and if Iran tries to attack then… oh right. The Apocalypse. Curses. []

    Dick Cheney And The Death Squads: Some guy who writes for something called "The New Yorker," alleges that then-Vice President Dick Cheney had Pakistani Presidential candidate Benazir Bhutto whacked by a "death squad" because she was revealing that Osama Bin Laden was dead. The US has death squads? Bin Laden is dead? Dick Cheney is a gangster? Look at my head! It's twirling! Wheee! []

    Cruel, Cruel Irony: A pair of Phoenix residents were taught a profound lesson about gun safety, when a friend of them offered to teach them how to properly, and safely, handle a firearm. Then he accidentally killed himself with a gun. What have we learned from this story? First, when making sure your 9mm is unloaded, really make sure it's unloaded. And even if it's unloaded, don't put it to your head. Hey, even if you do, don't pull the trigger. Okay? This man has not died in vain. []

    Tags: Dick Cheney, Guns, Iran, Israel, The Bad News