Countdown to Electiony: 12 Days

After having already served two terms as President and taking a four-year hiatus, Teddy Roosevelt attempted to win the Republican nomination for the 1912 campaign from then-President William Howard Taft, whom he hated. Failing that, he pulled his delegates from Republican convention and formed the Bull-Moose Party, naming it after an animal that is slightly larger than Taft's fat ass.

The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.

Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.

(Originally published as part of a series on third-party candidates. Sorry, I'm lazy and the first World Series game is starting.)

John McCain Can Walk, Talk, Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick at the Same Time

Is the New York Times really in the tank for Obama? Or is the New York Times not in the tank for Teddy Roosevelt?

From the Gray Lady's "factcheck" of last night's debate…

[McCain] also, on two occasions, referred to his hero Teddy Roosevelt, citing his famous statement about the need to "speak softly and carry a big stick" — Roosevelt actually said "walk softly and carry a big stick."

Ho ho ho, that dolt John McCain, just like his running-mate with the goofy misquoting.

Except: McCain actually said "talk softly and carry a big stick." Inelegant, yes, but remember: this is a man of the people.

And: As it happens, TR's famous catchprase really was "speak softly and carry a big stick." That's it there in his own typewriting.

There's a lot to ponder here. Should we blame bias, laziness or happy hour specials for the media's lack of accuracy? Is 'talk' an acceptable synonym for 'speak'? How about 'palaver'? Or 'walk'?

Also, exactly how big is McCain's stick?

Countdown to Electiony: 43 Days

On January 20th, 1961, at the age of 43, John F. Kennedy became the youngest person elected to the office of the American presidency. (Teddy Roosevelt was actually the youngest, at 42, but he had moved up in position from vice president after William McKinley's assassination.)

Wait a minute! Kennedy was assassinated. And then he was succeeded by Lyndon Johnson. Who was from Texas. And a lot of people ride horses in Texas. And if you've never ridden a horse before, it's probably pretty difficult. Or "rough." Teddy Roosevelt was a member of the Rough Riders during the Spanish-American War.

Oh my God!

Teddy Roosevelt killed John Kennedy!

It all makes sense now!

Go back to Day 44.

Countdown to Electiony: 71 Days

The USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN-71) — a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, launched in October of 1984 — has been a major weapon for the United States in its war against terror.

It saw action in Operation Desert Shield, Operation Desert Storm, Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom.

That's a lot of desert warfare for a big boat.

Go back to Day 72.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

My brother just forwarded me some spam he received with the following subject heading…

Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man

Because my brain is ruined from writing stupid jokes about even stupider political turns all day long, without missing a beat, I wrote back with…

Of course he was. I mean, he was a Rough Rider, wasn't he?

To which my brother responded…

Booooooooooo…… [Tomato]

…as he rightfully should have.