Tworld News: Week of January 12, 2011

Just when you thought you had heard every stroke-related Dick Clark joke, or when you somehow thought it impossible to continue to produce those amazing '00 glasses after 2009, yet another new year has rolled around and there's no rest for the tweary– 2011 is ready to get its relevant news gleefully bastardized by Twitter. Join the party!

This is gonna be just like the days when Tom DeLay was the WHIP for DICK ARM(e)Y.

Rumors of John Edwards proposing to Rielle Hunter deemed false– everything else about John Edwards cheating on his dying wife and impregnating Rielle Hunter still true.

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Quote Unquote: Tom DeLay Begins the Healing Process

Tom DeLay — who yesterday was sentenced to three years in jail for money laundering — to the judge who imposed his sentence…

"I can't be remorseful for something I think I didn't do."

That guy's gonna learn a lot from this, you can just tell.

Tom DeLay Sentenced to Prison Just for Having Done a Bunch of Illegal Stuff

Oh, man, will the persecution of Tom DeLay by liberals bleeding hearts — like this Senior District Judge of the State of Texas — ever stop?

A judge ordered former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to serve three years in prison Monday for his role in a scheme to illegally funnel corporate money to Texas candidates in 2002.

The sentence comes after a jury in November convicted DeLay on charges of money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering. DeLay was once one of the most powerful men in U.S. politics, ascending to the No. 2 job in the House of Representatives.

Senior Judge Pat Priest sentenced him to the three-year term on the conspiracy charge. He also sentenced him to five years in prison on the money laundering charge but allowed DeLay to accept 10 years of probation instead of more prison time.

I'd like to think that, with a little help, a convicted criminal this guy might just be able to turn his life around, become rehabilitated and rejoin the outside world as a useful member of society.

I'd like to believe that. But DeLay spent so much of his time in office voting against rehabilitation bills that he kinda convinced me. Good thing he voted for all those extra prison cells, though, huh? Now he can really stretch out!

A Conciliatory Letter from Tom DeLay

Look, it's bad enough that former congressperson from Texas Tom DeLay is going around slamming his car into other people's. But what did this guy's poor stepmother ever do to anybody to deserve such treatment…

My mind shutters at the thought of all the poor innocent stepmothers who will suffer similar fates in the wake of DeLay's recent convictions for money laundering and conspiracy charges. We're talking a carnage of signed photos, rivers of inscription and seething pools of smiling portraiture. The horror… The horror…

Tom DeLay Shuffles Off to Buffalo In the Sunset

It is a dark day in America, as former House majority leader Tom DeLay has announced that he is quitting Dancing With the Stars because of an injury that caused him to realize he was on Dancing With the Stars stress fractures in his feet.

Here he is, one last time…

Really too bad about this inglorious end to Tom DeLay's dancing career.

I just hope it doesn't tarnish his legacy too much.