Everything You Need to Know About the Milk Cliff

Ugh, why are we talking about dairy products instead of the "fiscal cliff?"

Because the fiscal cliff is bullshit. The panic surrounding it has been concocted by media outlets that like countdown clocks a lot more than they like explaining policy. If Congress fails to extend the current tax rates and spending levels before midnight tonight, they can always amend the tax code in January, which means your taxes will go up for two weeks. We will all find a way to get by. Meanwhile, there's a chance you won't be able to afford a milkshake in January, so let's talk about what matters.

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Tags: Agriculture, Fiscal Cliff, Food, Tom Vilsack

Join Our Traditional Celebration of Tom Vilsack's Birthday

Some of you may remember our Traditional Celebration of New Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack. For those of you who do not remember that, click these words.

Today Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack turns 62. In the rural hamlet where I was raised, locals always marked the Agriculture Secretary's birthday by gathering in the town square to recite facts about the Agriculture Secretary while gazing at pictures of hedgehogs. Then we ate cake and drowned the witches.

So it is my pleasure to begin this celebration of Tom Vilsack's birthday.

Tom Vilsack says the USDA wouldn't allow manufacturers to use pink slime if it wasn't safe. He should know, right? He's the Agriculture Secretary.

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Tags: Animals, Tom Vilsack

White House Rural Council Will Blow Your Mind

OMG YOU GUUUUYS! It does NOT get BIGGER than THIS! Hold onto your hats and helmets and other extraneous and unnecessary headwear, because it might just get BLOWN THE EFF OFF when you hear this!

Okay. Okay okay okay okay. OKAY! Ready? Are you ready? Check this out — and don't say we didn't warn you: President Obama has created a Rural Advisory Group.

Are you still breathing?

Whew! Thought we'd lost you for a moment there! Hey, listen, if you need to get some water or something, we totally get it. Just try to talk yourself down before you dive into this heady bit of breaking news…

Mr. Obama is signing the executive order to create the White House Rural Council, and will name Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack as chairman, administration officials said.

The council will provide recommendations on ways to invest in the economy in rural areas. It will coordinate exchanges between businesses and local communities, farmers and tribal governments, looking for ways to get the country’s estimated 60 million rural residents better access to education, health care and job opportunities.

We can only assume this will be a much better use of Tom Vilsack's time than, say, firing elderly black women because he's afraid of Andrew Breitbart and Glenn Beck.

Photo by Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, Obama Administration, Tom Vilsack

A Mad Look at the Shirley Sherrod Debacle

Mad Magazine is getting to release the "Mad 20" — a list of the nineteen or so dumbest people, things and events of the year — in its new issue, to hit news stands on December 22.

As it turned out, "The Firing of Shirely Sherrod" (remember that?) from back in July made it all the way to #7, and Mr. Neuman, et al., were kind enough to think of us and send over this sneak preview…

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Tags: Andrew Breitbart, Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Mad Magazine, Sean Hannity, Shirley Sherrod, Tom Vilsack

Stephen Colbert Calls on President Obama to Fire More People for Allowing Video Footage of Themselves to Be Maliciously Edited

Stephen is back from vacation with a tan, a big mouth bass, a bottle of Bud Light Lime and an opinion on the whole Shirley Sherrod thing…

I don't know. I'm usually with Stephen on these kinds of things, but something about this clip just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm not exactly sure how to express it myself, so here's some hate mail that was sent to CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com that pretty much sums up my reaction…

yo dude your site is kinda gay, no offence butthe catrs dont look enough like hitler, i saw one where the cat is in anazi uniform, more of those cuz thats funny, the rest is kinda gay
– Evan

Except just replace the word "catrs" with "people who have been fired for no very good reason because the White House is filled with cowards" and it's pretty much what I'm feeling.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Andrew Breitbart, Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Fox, Hillary Clinton, NAACP, Newt Gingrich, Racism, Robert Gibbs, Shirley Sherrod, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Tom Vilsack, Video, White House