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Tony Rezko
  • But Who Will Be Left to Be Secretary of Terrorism?

    Matt Yglesias has the early word on Obama's top-five cabinet picks:

    1. Chief of Staff: Jeremiah Wright
    2. Secretary of State: Rashid Khalidi
    3. Secretary of Defense: Bill Ayers
    4. Attorney-General: Bernardine Dohrn
    5. Secretary of the Treasury: Tony Rezko

    And while they may think that running the United States of America is one big Commufasciterrorist party now, they'll soon discover that the palling around ends when the real business of governing the American pig-dog parastate to its hateful, long-deserved end begins.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Jeremiah Wright, Rashid Khalidi, Tony Rezko, William Ayers
  • Speaking of Houses, John McCain Knows Barack Obama Knew a Guy With Houses

    Well, looky here, Dennis was right when he said McCain's campaign would respond to the house-counting game by throwing together a quickie YouTube ad starring Barack Obama's ex-wife, felonious real estate developer Tony Rezko

    Impressive. Reporters have spilled buckets of ink limning* the relationship between Obama and Rezko, but McCain gets it down to 30 seconds: Rezko gave Obama the keys to a million-dollar a house, so Obama handed him a sack containing $14 million of taxpayers' money.

    All right, John McCain. You've convinced me this time. But only because I know those scary shutter-clicking sounds mean something is shockingly, terribly true.

    *What an elitist arugula-eating word that is! I should be ashamed of myself.**

    **I am ashamed of myself.

    Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, Tony Rezko
  • Anticipated Ad Campaigns


    Washington is no different from Hollywood — it's full of famous names, ruthless backstabbers, and gossip bloggers willing to grossly exaggerate any anecdote to boost their readership. As former United States Senate Pages, Dylan and Ethan Ris were privy to backroom dealings, power grabs, and scandals that would make even Eliot Spitzer blush. Join the Pages as they get the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Well folks, we Pages would like to thank the good people of West Virginia for keeping the Democratic presidential race alive! From here on out, the campaign boils down to TV advertising as the candidates' final chance to sell themselves to voters. Knowing as much, Congressional Confidential has consulted our sources, weighed the intangibles, and is now ready to reveal our anticipated ad campaigns for each of the remaining states!


    (May 20)

    Hillary Clinton
    Title: "Run for the Roses"
    Synopsis: Clinton enters the shot on horseback, wearing a jockey helmet and vest over her horsehair pantsuit. She recaps the Presidential campaign using Kentucky Derby metaphors and pounds a mint julep shot before trotting away.
    Music: Dan Fogelberg — "Run for the Roses"

    Barack Obama
    Title: "Summer Reading"
    Synopsis: Obama is seen sipping cognac in the Harvard faculty lounge. Setting down his copy of Rene Descartes' Meditations on First Philosophy, he offers a brief contrast of the physical and metaphysical symbolism of American Flag pins.
    Music: Feist — "We Shall Overcome"


    (May 20)

    Hillary Clinton
    Title: "Timber!"
    Synopsis: Clinton is shown operating a chainsaw as she fells a redwood in southern Oregon. Brushing woodchips from her camouflage pantsuit, she recounts the hardships of her third cousin toiling in an Oregon sawmill as a summer job in 1966.
    Music: Celine Dion — "Truck Drivin' Man"

    Barack Obama
    Title: "A Long, Strange Trip"
    Synopsis: Grainy late-70s footage of Obama hitchhiking in Indonesia. Surrounded by friends from his madrassa, he sports bellbottoms and an Afro. He holds a sign reading “America or bust!” with a Marcel Proust quote scrawled beneath it.
    Music: Ozomatli feat. Professor Cornel West — "(If You’re Going To) San Francisco"


    (June 1)

    Hillary Clinton
    Title: "A Little Bit of the Captain in Her"
    Synopsis: Clinton swabs the deck of a campaign donor’s yacht. Wearing a banana leaf pantsuit, she describes the executive branch using boat crew metaphors. She takes a giant swig from a liter bottle of Captain Morgan's and approves the message as the shot fades to black.
    Music: Van Halen — "I'm The One"

    Barack Obama
    Title: "Footprints in the Sand"
    Synopsis: Obama, barefoot and shirtless in ripped jean shorts, walks along the beach as multi-ethnic children frolic in the surf ahead of him. In the distant background, we see a stone-induced splash from a Mike Gravel commercial filming on the same beach.
    Music: Yanni – "Age of Aquarius"


    (June 3)

    Hillary Clinton
    Title: "Home on the Range"
    Synopsis: Clinton, wearing a rawhide leather pantsuit, stands beside cowboys before a roaring bonfire. She raises a toast to the common man, shotguns a beer, and then dramatically throws her Wellesley College diploma into the flames as the cowboys cheer.
    Music: Kid Rock — "Cowboy"

    Barack Obama
    Title: "Nature's Miracle"
    Synopsis: Obama stands in attendance at the waterbirth of his daughter. As his nude, submerged wife Michelle shuts her eyes and bears down, Obama bestows Hawaiian leis upon attending guests Cindy Sheehan and Tony Rezko.
    Music: Sarah McLaughlin — "Kumbaya"


    (June 3)

    Hillary Clinton
    Title: "My Fellow Americans"
    Synopsis: Clinton appears on a movie set depicting the Oval Office. She accepts the Democratic nomination and pledges to appoint Barack Obama to the position of Junior Senator from Illinois. Bill, Chelsea, and Terry McAuliffe assemble at her side and their faces magically morph into a refashioned Mount Rushmore.
    Music: Lesley Gore — "It’s My Party"

    Barack Obama
    Title: "A Whole New Me"
    Synopsis: Obama is shown in the mirror trying on lipstick, rouge, and women's clothing. He briefly considers a burqa before deciding against it. He is careful to affix an American flag lapel to his outfit by the commercial's end.
    Music: James Blunt — "You’re Beautiful"

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Congressional Confidential, Cornel West, Hillary Clinton, Kentucky, Michelle Obama, Mike Gravel, Montana, Oregon, Puerto Rico, South Dakota, Terry McAuliffe, Tony Rezko
  • Chicago Tribune Canonizes St. Barack of Illinois

    Over the weekend, Barack Obama took time away from his busy schedule of deflecting asteroids from collision courses with the Earth and resuscitating sickly kittens to sit down with his hometown newspaper, the conservative Chicago Tribune — which had previously endorsed him and originally broke the Tony Rezko story — and answer every question its reporters could throw at him regarding his dealings with Rezko in "uncommon detail." Talk about a dysfunctional relationship…

    The most remarkable facet of Obama's 92-minute discussion was that, at the outset, he pledged to answer every question the three dozen Tribune journalists crammed into the room would put to him. And he did.

    Along the way he confronted the starkest innuendo that has dogged him and his campaign for the presidency: the suggestion that the purchase of an adjacent lot by Rezko's wife subtly subsidized the Obamas' purchase of their home on Chicago's South Side.

    The verdict? It turns out that Obama is peachy keen, as well as awesome, dreamy, dashing and a little bit effervescent…

    When we endorsed Obama for the Democratic presidential nomination Jan. 27, we said we had formed our opinions of him during 12 years of scrutiny. We concluded that the professional judgment and personal decency with which he has managed himself and his ambition distinguish him. Nothing Obama said in our editorial board room Friday diminishes that verdict.

    That's nice and all, but, if you ask me, the most interesting thing about the Tribune's story is that it's the first newspaper article I've ever seen printed in the font Fellatio Sans Serif.

    So, uh, what does the Tribune think this all means for that Hillary lady? You know, the one who won't release her financial records or her senatorial earmarks?

    We fully expect the Clinton campaign, given its current desperation, to do whatever it must in order to keep the Rezko tin can tied to Obama's bumper.

    I find this prediction to be wrongheaded and implausible. But I should also note that the words "wrongheaded" and "implausible" have completely different meanings than you're familiar with in my particular dialect of English.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Tony Rezko