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The Onion: Is Using a Minotaur to Gore Detainees a Form of Torture?

The Onion News Network panel of experts gets to the heart of this complex and polarizing issue…

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Does the Government Release Information to Avoid Daily Show Coverage?

The Huffington Post's Jason Linkins might just be a crazy, liberal, paranoid, atheist, un-American, tin-foil-hat-wearing Communist, hippy, craziberaltheist, but I wonder if maybe he's not onto something here…

Around the office, I often joke that the most dangerous time in America is when [The Daily Show] is taking a break. Again, this is meant as a joke! And so, despite the fact that after a summer of delays, the much anticipated torture documents were finally released on the first Monday of the show's hiatus, I think it would be unwise to suggest anything nefarious behind the timing. Right? I mean, to suggest that the torture documents were released to avoid the commentary of one of the media's few, reliable, anti-torture voices… this would be pure paranoia!…

Huffington Post Comedy editor Alex Leo reminds me: "Sarah Palin resigned the first day of his last hiatus." COINCIDENCE?

Why, to believe that, there would have to be some sort of extant example of a government spokesperson or agency citing The Daily Show as a reason to keep from disclosing information… "If we become a fact-finder for political enemies, they aren't going to cooperate," Justice Department attorney Jeffrey Smith said during a 90-minute hearing. "I don't want a future vice president to say, 'I'm not going to cooperate with you because I don't want to be fodder for 'The Daily Show.'"

Hmmmm… I guess we know why Ted Kennedy suddenly decided that this would be a good week to die, now don't we?

Typical.

Stephen Colbert's Enhanced Journalism Techniques Probe the Torture Issue

Torture! It's back in the headlines and hotter than ever! (As in a hot topic, not a popular pastime, though that's not necessarily an incorrect interpretation, if you think about it.)

But why waste your time reading through all the news sources and formulating a well-informed opinion, when you can just let Stephen Colbert tell you what he wants you to think? Just watch these confidential clips, and then you can start drinking early. Just like a senator would…

November 8, 2005: America Doesn't Torture

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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From the Pork Barrel: Verses

* New Jersey vs. The Gays.

*Jerry Falwell vs. George Washington.

* Barack Obama vs. Fox News.

* Jay-Z (featuring Drake) vs. Bill O'Reilly & Rush Limbaugh.

* Leon Panetta vs. Accountability.

Sens. Graham and Lieberman Fight to Edit America's Photos

Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman, the Statler and Waldorf of the Republipendent party, are mad as hell! And they'll stop at nothing to get their way, because this is the most important issue they've ever faced…

Sens. Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman on Tuesday threatened to bring the chamber's business to a standstill as they fight to save

Time out. Anyone want to take a guess? Funding for children's health care? A program to help struggling homeowners? Public education? That delicious carrot cake they served in the Senate cafeteria last month?

legislation that would bar the release of photographs showing apparent U.S. abuses of suspected terrorist detainees.

Or, if you will, legislation that would get rid of pesky transparency, which everyone knows is a Socialist-type thing. So Sens. Statler and Waldorf wrote up an amendment about suppressing detainee photos and shoveled it into a pending war spending bill, only to have it removed by some of the closet Socialists in the House of Representatives, and now, I don't know, maybe Lindsey Graham will chain himself to a desk until Congress gives in.

As the angry duo said when they realized their amendment was going down:

“We will employ all the legislative means available to us including opposing the supplemental war spending bill and attaching this amendment, which was unanimously adopted by the Senate, to every piece of legislation the Senate considers, to be sure the President has the authority he needs not to release these photos and any others that would jeopardize the safety and security of our troops.

“The release of the photos will serve as propaganda and recruiting tool for terrorists who seek to attack American citizens at home and abroad."

It's simple logic. If photos of torture serve as terrorist propaganda, the only possible solution is to hide said photos, perhaps in Al Gore's old lockbox, where no one can see them.

Oh, sure, you could also stop torturing people, but that's no fun.