From the Pork Barrel: The Return of Sarah Palin's Sarah Palin Awareness Tour

* All this press that Michele Bachmann's been receiving must really be getting to Sarah Palin, because she has now quit quitting her national non-campaign bus tour.

* Apparently, Palin's bus is being sucked in by the gravitation pull of all the TV cameras descending upon Iowa.

* "Can Ron Paul win it all in Iowa?" Short answer: No. Long answer: Nooooooooooooo.

* American Bar Association wants stricter rules for lobbying. Time to have Congress shut these guys down, huh?

* The Onion: "New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable."

Tags: Barack Obama, Iowa, Iowa Straw Poll, Law & Order, Lobbyists, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Onion, Transportation

Sarah Palin Cannot Get Out of Jury Duty

Remember how I was telling you yesterday that whatever reason Sarah Palin had for quitting her bus tour midway through, it was gonna be pretty much the best, not-overtly-bullshit reason ever?

Well, turns out it's even better than that…

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said on Wednesday she was pausing her "One Nation" bus tour to answer the call of jury duty and denied media reports her much-hyped multi-state jaunt had been cut short.

"The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes," she said in a message posted on Facebook. "In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions — certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up."

Oh, jury duty! Why didn't I think of that? Of course, that is the most obvious reason why somebody like Sarah Palin would cut short her nationwide, media-scrutinized bus tour. You know how jury duty is constantly gumming up the works for all those political icons and media superstars in the world. Aren't you getting so tired of constantly opening up newspapers to discover that the most famous and influential people in the world are cutting short all their well-laid plans on a dime so that they can return home and attend jury duty? It's practically a cliche at this point, am I right?

And don't you hate how every time to show up to jury duty, there's always some figurehead for a nationwide political movement sitting right beside you on the bench lazily flipping through a magazine? Grrrrrr! It happens so often so as to become boring!

For Sarah Palin's sake — actually, for the whole country's sake — I really hope that whatever actual trial Sarah Palin actually get out of sitting through with eleven other actual people isn't something goes on for an actual really long time, like the O.J. Simpson trial. That could seriously put a dent in her non-plans to not un-run for pretend-president.

Photo by Paul Morigi/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Tags: Alaska, Bristol Palin, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Transportation, Travel

Sarah Palin Abandons Bus-Tour Midway Through so as to Better Serve America

Oh my God! What a strong and brave woman! I am continually in awe at the leadership she displays.

Can you think of any other politicians in America today who would have the courage to step away from their non-publicity-seeking un-campaign bus tour midway through in such a bold and venturesome manner?

Less than a month after she appeared poised to shake up the Republican presidential campaign, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has once again receded from the 2012 limelight…

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

Look, I don't pretend to understand how Sarah Palin works. But I know that she knows what's best for this country, and she always acts in accordance with that secret special gnostic understanding. Whether she's quitting her post as governor of Alaska so that she can better serve Alaska as a reality-television star, or if she and her daughter are having their names trademarked by the US Patent and Trademark Office so that she can better fight to rid the country from the control of Big Government. She's always fighting for us!

So, I don't know how, but I'm sure that sitting around at home while sipping on iced tea and screaming demands into a cell phone at her business manager must be the right thing for America. I can't wait to find out how!

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Alaska, Bristol Palin, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Transportation, Travel

Donald Trump Defends His and Sarah Palin's Inauthentic Pizza-Eating Experience

In response to the fall-out from the tragedy that occurred yesterday when Donald Trump brought Sarah Palin out for crappy non-New York pizza, the real estate tycoon has has very wisely decided to take time out of his busy day of combing things over and firing people to release a statement and stem the tide of criticism…

"A lot of people are asking about why am I using plastic forks and knives that the pizza parlor gave. Well, I don't walk around with forks and knives. And, frankly, it was very comfortable."

So, what this means is that Donald Trump caught wind that people were making fun of him for eating his pizza with plastic forks and knives, and his assumption was that people were upset that the plastic forks and knives were made of poor-person plastic instead of gold or platinum or something.

Very intuitive guy. Too bad he's not running for president anymore.

(via Videogum)

Tags: Donald Trump, Food, Jon Stewart, New York City, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, The Daily Show, Transportation, Video

Jon Stewart's Righteous Indignation Over Donald Trump and Sarah Palin's Inauthentic Pizza-Eating Experience

Do the good people of New York come into the Jean-Georges restaurant in the Trump International Hotel & Tower on Central Park West and order the Cod Steamed with Kaffir Lime and eat it in a hotdog bun? Okay, well some people probably do that. But those people are most likely old fraternity friends of Donald Trump.

I'm just saying, it's wrong…

It reminds me of when John Kerry went to Pat's Steaks in Philly and asked for Swiss cheese. Can't rich people do anything right?

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Tags: Donald Trump, Food, Jon Stewart, New York City, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, The Daily Show, Transportation, Video