Bristol Palin Raking in the Cash on the Abstinence Talk Circuit

Wow! Getting knocked up out of wedlock sure seems to be a profitable career decision. No wonder so many teenage girls are opting in these days…

Bristol [Palin] can now be booked for appearances through Single Source Speakers, home to other prominent church types including Steve Arterburn and the always holy "Ryan & Friends." According to the website, Bristol "speaks about pregnancy prevention, abstinence, faith and life."…

Her fee, according to the family lawyer: from $15,000 to $30,000…

Sigh… I wish I got somebody pregnant back when I was a kid so that I could build my career around teaching kids how to not get pregnant.

But, I guess we can't all be as forward-thinking and level-headed as the Palin family.

Tags: Abstinence, Bristol Palin, Education, Sarah Palin, Sex, Tripp Johnston-Palin

The Top 27 Political Bastards of All Time (The Real Kind)

Here's a riddle. What's conceived in sin; takes nine months to complete; and makes for some sticky situations upon its unwelcomed arrival? That's right, a completely convoluted Indecision article that lists famous illegitimate political offspring while simultaneously promoting the season premiere of The Sarah Silverman Program, entitled "The Proof Is in the Penis." Oh, except Indecision didn't give me nine months to write this. More like five days. And I guess I didn't really conceive it in sin, although between you and me, my silk boxers do feel pretty sweet beneath my blogging pants.

Now before you go complaining about who I left off, keep in mind that I was looking not only for political progeny born to unmarried parents, but also people who — when organized in list form — would make you, the reader, want to tune in for Sarah Silverman's premiere episode, "The Proof Is in the Penis" this Thursday at 10:30pm / 9:30c. Did I accomplish this? Hey, who's wearing the blogging pants around here. Spoiler alert: Not me as of twenty seconds ago.

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27. John Edwards' daughter Frances Quinn Hunter

When John Edwards burst on the National political scene in 2000, he was like nothing we'd ever seen. The guy just didn't lie like a politician. Unfortunately, he lied a lot like a trial lawyer. And in 2008, we learned that John Edwards could lie like other things too.

For example, like that guy your mom called your "uncle" when your dad was away on business trips. In any event, Edwards' affair with Rielle Hunter came to light in 2008, and while he admitted his wrongdoing, he was also adamant that Ms. Hunter's baby girl was not his. Turns out that was also a lie.

Fast-forward to 2010 and now Edwards has admitted that Frances Quinn is his daughter. This might be the first time a two-year-old's first sentence has been, "No, dude. Seriously. It's O.K."

Read More »

Tags: Bristol Palin, Christianity, France, Grover Cleveland, John Edwards, Levi Johnston, Paraguay, Racism, Religion, Rielle Hunter, Sarah Palin, Scandalgate, Senate, Sex, South Africa, South Carolina, Strom Thurmond, Tripp Johnston-Palin

Levi Johnston Will Fight Bristol Palin in Public (Where Else?)

Levi Johnston is suing his former girlfriend Bristol Palin for custody of their one-year-old son Tripp Sasquatch Carhartt Doohickey Johnston-Palin, in court, because Bristol was all UGH and then Levi was all OMG and then Bristol was all WHATEVER and then Levi took off his clothes for Playgirl, which is so typical of kids these days.

The point is, a judge in Alaska has ruled that the juicy proceedings must be made public, just like Levi's bottom…

Bristol Palin sought to have the case sealed from the public, arguing that would be in Tripp's best interest. She asked for a gag order so no one could talk about it. She wanted all filings to be under the pseudonyms Jane and John Doe. [...]

Johnston fought to allow the custody matter to unfold in public, saying in a sworn statement that doing so would help put everyone on best behavior. He noted that [Bristol's attorney Thomas] Van Flein also represents Sarah Palin.

"I know that public scrutiny will simplify this matter and act as a check against anyone's need to be overly vindictive, aggressive or malicious, not that Bristol would ever be that way, nor that I would. But her mother is powerful, politically ambitious and has a reputation for being extremely vindictive," Johnston said in his affidavit. "So, I think a public case might go a long way in reducing Sarah Palin's instinct to attack."

What a terrible family tragedy.

Apparently Levi Johnston has never met his son's grandmother.

Tags: Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin, Tripp Johnston-Palin

From the Pork Barrel: More Ball Tending Than an Ivy League Frat House

* Barack Obama never did make it to this inaugural ball. Despite the higher level of intelligence than you'd find at most political functions.

* Somehow, I don't think he'll be making an appearance at this one either. Despite the higher class of people than you'd find at most political functions.

* Barack Obama to be sworn in alongside 500 body doubles… Just in case.

* The Palin family don't take kindly to white trash, ya know?

* Cindy McCain fields tough questions in her hardest interview to date.

* It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Again.

Tags: Barack Obama, Barbara Bush, Bristol Palin, Cindy McCain, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Inauguration, Levi Johnston, Meghan McCain, Pork Barrel, Sarah Palin, The Onion, Tripp Johnston-Palin

Bristol Palin Baby Photos Worth $300,000

Sarah Palin's grandson Tripp Easton Mitchell Zamboni Maverick-Betcha Johnston is only a few days old, but he's already worth more than most American investors, thanks to a tabloid magazine bidding war for his baby photos.

The winner? People magazine. Also, proud parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston…

As for how much teen parents Bristol and Levi made from the deal — most estimates hover around the $300,000 range (none of the magazines would confirm the exact figure in the end, which is standard).

No word on whether the money will go to charity, as sometimes happens in a celeb baby deal.

What a windfall for the happy couple. Three hundred thousand American dollars!

According to my handy currency converter, that's two whole Palinwardrobes.

Tags: Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin, Tripp Johnston-Palin