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Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab
  • Behold, the Underwear Terrorist's Underwear of Death

    Honestly, I've seen worse

    So, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab prefers boxers, huh? I'm not sure why that surprises me. I guess he just sort of looks like a tighty whitey guy to me.

    Now, granted, I've never actually attempted to kill a whole bunch of completely innocent human beings before — so maybe I'm talking out of my ass here — but I think I'd go with boxer briefs myself.

    Because I figure those explosives tucked up next to your balls are going to need some support, but they're also going to need some breathing room or the chemical reaction isn't going to receive the necessary amount of oxygen.

    Tags: Terrorism, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab
  • Al Qaeda Wants Credit for Terrorism Fail

    You're never gonna believe who's claiming responsibility for Saturday's attempted terror attack…

    In a statement posted on the Internet, al-Qaida in the Arabian Peninsula said 23-year-old Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab coordinated with members of the group, an alliance of militants based in Saudi Arabia and Yemen…

    The group said Abdulmutallab used explosives manufactured by al-Qaida members. "He managed to penetrate all devices and modern advanced technology and security checkpoints in international airports bravely without fear of death," the group said in the statement, "relying on God and defying the large myth of American and international intelligence, and exposing how fragile they are, bringing their nose to the ground, and making them regret all what they spent on security technology."

    I'm not sure is there's an Arabic equivalent of the phrase "People who live in glass houses…," but it's not as if their brilliant plan to explode a plane by setting his underwear on fire went off without a hitch.

    Look, I'm just saying, it's one thing to attempt to murder several dozen innocent people because of your silly beliefs in mythological sky deities. But it a-whole-nother thing to go throwing around hurtful criticisms of our competence when your organization is just as hapless.

    Can't we just agree that we're all idiots, and move on?

    Tags: al Qaeda, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Terrorism, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, Yemen
  • Explosive Underwear Is No Match for Janet Napolitano's Anti-Terror System

    59105834Because 2009 is determined to end this sucky decade on the suckiest note possible, Americans celebrated Christmas with a jolly old blizzard and a festive centerpiece of attempted terrorism. The latter was handcrafted by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, using nothing but a Northwest Airlines plane and a stash of pentaerythritol tetranitrate sewn in his underwear…

    Usually, a shock wave from a blasting cap or an exploding wire detonator is needed to set off PETN. Mr. Abdulmutallab was reported to have used a syringe to try to inject a liquid into the explosive.

    "It sounds like he was trying to cause a chemical reaction that would initiate it, and that didn’t work out so well," said Jimmie C. Oxley, an explosives expert and professor of chemistry at the University of Rhode Island.

    Meanwhile, homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano spent the holiday weekend singing damage control carols on CNN

    NAPOLITANO: What we are focused on is making sure that the air environment remains safe, that people are confident when they travel. And one thing I'd like to point out is that the system worked. Everybody played an important role here.

    Apparently Napolitano is referring to a sophisticated two-part safety system: the first part requires airplane terrorists who forgot to take notes during chem. The second part involves having a Dutch filmmaker on board to put out the flaming explosives with his hands. Wow! I sure feel confident about traveling, now that I know this system's in place.

    Of course, to be fair, it hasn't failed yet.

    Update: Now Janet Napolitano is saying the system did fail. You may return to your regularly scheduled panic attack.

    Tags: Christmas, Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, Terrorism, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab