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United Nations
  • Barack Obama to Awkwardly Address United Nations General Assembly

    Important persons from all over the world are descending upon New York for the season premiere of everyone's favorite teevee show, United Nations: General Assembly. It is kind of like The Real World: San Francisco, what with all the concern about HIV/AIDS, the challenge of living together in peace and harmony, and the controversy over who stuck a finger in somebody else's jar of peanut butter (Puck = United States).

    President Barack Obama will make a speech, because this is what U.S. presidents do when tons of government employees from other countries come over to hang out, wear their colorful native costumes and take advantage of their diplomatic license plates by double-parking wherever they damn well please.

    But when he stands at the podium, will he face a warm, lively room or a pack of pissed-off hecklers?

    This week the President is in the hot seat, confronting Palestinian demands for statehood and a rising tide of anti-UN sentiment in the U.S. Congress. By pushing a UN Security Council vote on statehood –supported by a supermajority of UN member states — the Palestinian Authority (PA) has put Washington on the defensive. The United States will surely veto the resolution, which it considers a threat to Israel and a distraction from the peace process. But doing so will be excruciatingly awkward.

    Ooh, "excruciatingly awkward" like leading an impoverished existence in a squalid refugee camp with no hope of socioeconomic mobility or "excruciatingly awkward" like forgetting to sign your boss's birthday card? We need some clarity, CNN.

    Anyhoo, since there's not a snowball's chance in Ramallah that the United States will actually vote in favor of the resolution promoting Palestinian statehood, watch for some grumbling and booing from our planet's louder occupants when Obama speaks.

    Photo by Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Israel, Palestine, United Nations
  • Fans of John Bolton's Mustache Upset That John Bolton's Mustache Not Running for President

    In the wake of yesterday's awful, soul-crushing news that former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and part-time Wilford Brimley impersonator John Bolton and his glorious alabaster mustache have decided against jumping into the race to be the Republican to beat Barack Obama next year, we're all feeling a little unsettled.*

    No one though as much as American Mustache Institute chair Aaron Perlut, for whom — one can only imagine — the news is nothing less than devastating

    "Bolton's candidacy would have been a boost to the Mustached American community without question. The last Mustached American President of the United States was William Howard Taft. So indeed, it's been a long time coming and there has been reticence amongst our people to take that leap. That being said, we are hopeful Michelle Bachmann's bleached upper lip gets some attention…

    "Mr. Cain's candidacy is indeed a beacon of shining light for our people, much like future New York Governor Jimmy McMillan's candidacy was in the Empire State last year. But, like Bob Barr when he served as the Libertarian Party candidate, the reality is that until Mr. Cain has the nomination of a major party — and he is indeed a viable candidate — we can only dream of a better world."

    I had never realized the extent of this country's prejudice against mustachioed-Americans.

    Now I think I finally get why all those Tea Partiers are always putting that Charlie Chaplin mustache on Barack Obama.


    * I, myself, had a brief moment of panic when I misread the headline as "Michael Bolton and His Mullet Decide Against Presidential Run." I still hold out hope that the golden-throated one will come to his nation's aid in its hour of need.

    Tags: Bob Barr, Fashion, Herman Cain, John Bolton, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans, United Nations
  • The Onion: U.N. Evicted From Headquarters

    The Onion reports on the latest in United Nations news

    Citing squalid conditions "unfit for human habitation," the New York City Department of Health confirmed Tuesday that the United Nations had been evicted from its Manhattan headquarters for numerous safety code violations, including harboring more than 250 feral cats.

    "After entering the U.N. headquarters early Tuesday morning, we quickly determined that the property was unlivable by any reasonable sanitary standard," said city health official George Garcia, whose team inspected the dilapidated building following complaints from neighbors of an overwhelming foul odor and the constant noise of mewling cats. "The fecal ammonia content in the air was approaching toxic levels, and the staggering volume of cat excrement in the Security Council Chamber alone suggests the occupants had been housing these animals for over a decade."

    "They'd blacked out all the windows with world flags, too, so I don't think they'd seen much natural light in a while," Garcia added.

    Aw, man! I lived in the apartment under an international organization that specialized in facilitating international law once, and goddamn it they were gross. I would put down, like, dozen or two roach traps a week and it didn't do anything, because they were literally dropping from the ceiling. Ugh! And they were always playing this weird bass and drum music at 4 am.

    I ultimately decided to take a hit on my lease and move after just a few months. I could deal with it. Then while we were moving my stuff, some delegate from Bahrain tried to sell my dad meth. Total nightmare.

    Tags: New York City, The Onion, United Nations
  • Stephen Colbert on the Disaster in Japan and the Libyan Disaster

    One day, you'll be able to tell your grandkids that you remember a time when the world wasn't falling to pieces from every possible direction.

    That is, assuming you can have grandkids by next Thursday. Odds aren't great that there'll be a next Friday…

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

    Tags: Barack Obama, France, Japan, Libya, Mike Mullen, Military, Muammar Qaddafi, Natural Disasters, Ronald Reagan, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, United Kingdom, United Nations
  • John Oliver Has a Problem with Politicians Not Swearing

    From The CC Insider

    An all-new season of John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show is kicking off Thursday, March 24 at 12/11c, and the premiere features guests Kyle Kinane, Glenn Wool, Rory Scovel, and Pete Holmes. Is that a lineup or what? In this new preview clip from the season opener, John expresses his distrust of any politician who doesn't have a perpetual torrent of curse words flowing from his or her mouth. I can totally relate. That's also why I don't trust babies.

    For more John Oliver, watch The Daily Show, Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

    Tags: Ban Ki-moon, John Oliver, The Daily Show, United Nations