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Valerie Jarrett
  • David Axelrod, David Axelrod's Mustache Admitting Tough Days Ahead

    Two of President Obama's most-trusted advisers — David Axelrod and David Axelrod's mustache — were in New Hampshire earlier today, showing signs that anxiety and doubt might be endemic to the White House administration these days

    In a blunt admission Tuesday, Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod acknowledged the president's re-election bid would be a "titanic struggle" in the face of the slumping economy and unpopular partisan gridlock in Washington.

    "We had the wind at our back in 2008," he said. "We don't have the wind at our backs in this election. We have the wind in our face because the American people have the wind in their faces."

    And for its part, David Axelrod's mustache was seen drooping dourly from its host's upper lip in a manner that seemed to imply existential ennui or perhaps acknowledgement of defeat.

    Valerie Jarrett's haircut was not available for comment at time of publishing.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: David Axelrod, New Hampshire, Valerie Jarrett, White House
  • Barack Obama Ignores Libya for Sexytime

    While Real American Patriots were busy praying for the success of our NATO-funded Libyan brethren, our heathen Kenyan dictator-for-life was on an exotic island populated by mollusk-chomping white subhumans (i.e., liberals.)

    What manner of inconceivable evil did our sloth-in-chief get up to this weekend?

    But as much as his Republican opponents would like to begrudge him a vacation, the president golfed twice, took his girls to the beach and spent an evening with his wife at the romantic Beach Plum Inn overlooking the fishing village of Menemsha. And that was all just in the first weekend.

    Obama has also found time for socializing… Obama and White House advisor Valerie Jarrett headed to the beachfront home of Comcast CEO Brian Roberts, which overlooks Vineyard Sound… President Obama and Michelle Obama headed to the home where Jarrett is staying for what a spokesman described as a dinner with friends…the president and Jarrett also ventured out for a party with about 100 people at the home of Harvard Professor Charles Ogletree in Oak Bluffs.

    If Barack Obama loves his filthy Massachusetts paradise so much, he should just get a job on a fishing boat already. While the rest of America cried over Libya and engaged in the emotional eating of fried butter, Obama usurped the sacred sport of white Republicans, shamelessly showed off his rippling biceps on the beach, partied down with Harvard nerds, and took his lady on a sex date.

    Meanwhile, the GOP solved our debt crisis, created democracy in Libya, and taught the world the true meaning of love. This weekend made it clear who should be the next President of the United States of America: everyone in the Republican Party, at once.

    Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Libya, Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, Michelle Obama, Republicans, Vacation, Valerie Jarrett
  • Chicago Blues for Rahm Emanuel

    I know that you're going to find this hard to believe, but there's an ugly rumor going around political circles that there are some people in Washington who don't so much care for Rahm Emanuel. Some people even think he's doing a "fucking retarded" job as White House Chief of Staff.

    I know! It's all quite scandalous! And, to make matters worse, Sunday's Washington Post featured an article by Dana Milbank praising Rahm Emanuel's work as Chief of Staff and bashing every other hominid in government…

    Obama's first year fell apart in large part because he didn't follow his chief of staff's advice on crucial matters. Arguably, Emanuel is the only person keeping Obama from becoming Jimmy Carter.

    And, wouldn't you know it, but some people of a somewhat suspicious bent find this article to be a tad suspect

    Dana Milbank transcribed an article written by Rahm Emanuel yesterday in The Washington Post. Never has an article been more clearly written to support a political benefactor…

    This is basically Rahm saying on his way out, I was right all along and these guys were wrong. Maybe it's a last minute attempt at a Hail Mary to swing the decision in his favor if he can start a conversation in DC about how he had offered better advice than the other three to Obama (by the way, everything he claims to have been right about inside the article was disastrous advice that led Obama further and further away from his voters). But either way, that means he thinks he is very close to being on his way out the door.

    What? A Rahm-less White House?! What would we ever do without him?! Just imagine if we didn't have him holding the Democratic Party together this past year? Why they'd be in complete disarray and on the verge of losing their majority power in both houses! I can't even imagine what that would be like!

    Tags: Barack Obama, David Axelrod, Democrats, House of Representatives, Rahm Emanuel, Robert Gibbs, Senate, Valerie Jarrett, Washington Post, White House