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Values Voter Summit
  • If Only Kirk Cameron Were Marty McFly

    While addressing the goodly crowd at Tony Perkins' annual Values Voter Summit this afternoon, Kirk Cameron lamented a sad reality of life that I think a lot of us know all too well…

    "If only my name was Marty McFly and I had a DeLorean. And I could go back and talk to [the Founding Fathers] and asked them 'What are we doing wrong?'"

    If only we could live and behave like a fictional character in an invented world that is not beholden everyday physics as is understood by science, one in which the bad guys are punished and the good guys live happily ever after. Sigh. If only…

    Alas. I suppose Kirk Cameron and all the other conservative Christians who are attending the Values Voter Summit with him this weekend will just have to make due with their Biblical interpretation of reality. At least until they're all raptured away while the rest of us are hurled into a lake of fire that shall never be quenched.

    Tags: Christianity, Founding Fathers, Kirk Cameron, Movies, Nerdiness, Tony Perkins, Values Voter Summit
  • This Is the Sound of Michele Bachmann Running Out of Steam

    Poor Michele Bachmann. Running a presidential campaign has got to be pretty massively exhausting. Keeping a smile stretched unnaturally across your face for hours or days. Shaking hands, picking babies, autographing rifles. It's gotta take a toll on you, even for a candidate in ascent. But what about candidates not in ascent? Or, like Michele Bachmann, very very not in ascent?

    Attendees of the Values Voter Summit in Washington this past weekend got a good look at what that kind of grind can do to a once resplendent firebrand

    The old standards were all there: I will repeal Obamacare, she promised. Conservatives don't have to settle for a moderate, she pleaded. Let's make Barack Obama a "One! Term! President!" she chanted, though this time it sounded more like, "One. Term. President."

    Pavvo Ensio from Tucson, Arizona, put it kindly when he said it wasn't her best performance. "She said all the things I agree with and want to hear," he said as he left the ballroom with his wife. 'But it was kind of flat."

    She knows. She knows that her campaign in currently costing downhill on an empty tank of gas, and it probably doesn't have enough momentum to get it up over the next hill. You know she knows because of the way she's pretty much just coming out and promising Evangelicals that she'll run the nation as a theocracy and making overt appeals to the lesser angels of voters' rationality, like she does in this mailer that went out the other day

    "We conservatives have a great opportunity at hand- we can have it all this year because Barack Obama will be a one-term President! We don't have to settle for a moderate for the sake of winning. We can stay true to our values, take back our country and win the White House in 2012!"

    The message is pretty clear. Almost embarrassingly clear: Anybody can beat Barack Obama this time around, so why not give the nomination to someone who would normally have no chance of beating Barack Obama? let's put the least capable person in the White House now, while we can!

    I'll bet you something very similar to that exact phrasing was in the original draft of that mailer.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans, Values Voter Summit
  • Ron Paul Wins Values Voter Summit Straw Poll Despite Having Some Admirable Values

    A committed Christian and staunch pro-life advocate, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul garnered a first-place showing at the Values Voter Summit straw poll, winning 37% of the vote and trouncing Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann.

    To which Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and organizer of the straw poll, had the only reasonable response: the guy who won most votes among Values Voter Summit attendees is obviously not the real choice of "values" voters

    "I don't think Ron Paul is truly reflective of where values voters stand," said Perkins on CNN's American Morning on Monday.

    Perkins described the Texas congressman's top place finish in the poll as an "outlier."

    "Ron Paul bused in over 600 people not to attend the conference but to hear his speech and vote," he said. "I give them credit for being organized."

    Maybe the president of a designated hate group — and who better to judge values? — is right. After all, Paul's speech focused on war as the greatest threat to family life and invoked the Golden Rule in describing the ideal foreign policy. And every real "values" voter knows the real threat to family values comes from…committed, loving relationships formed by gay couples. Cue Bryan Fischer, president of the American Family Association, who also spoke at the Summit

    We need a president who will treat homosexuality not as a political cause at all, but as a threat to public health…Homosexual behavior represents the same threat to human health that injection drug use does. I believe we need a president who understands that neither homosexual behavior nor injection drug use represent lifestyles that any responsible government ought to normalize, legitimize, legalize, protect, sanction, or subsidize.

    Well then. It's possible that the views of Ron Paul's supporters are not "truly reflective" of what many regular Summit attendees believe, but I'm pretty sure I know which group has the better values.

    Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: American Family Association, Bryan Fischer, Family Research Council, Ron Paul, Tony Perkins, Values Voter Summit
  • Rick Santorum Really Gives It to Dead Kennedy

    Former PA Sen. Rick Santorum is known far and wide as the sexiest human ever to exist. He is so sexy that columnist and podcasting troublemaker Dan Savage named a byproduct of butt sex after him. But today he went after the sexiest of all Americans, the dead president known as JFK!

    The occasion was the Values Voter conference, a D.C. free-for-all in which ignorant jerks wank off under folding tables to such luminaries as confirmed dumbass Christine O'Donnell, who also is sexy.

    What exactly did Rick Santorum say to get Dead John F. Kennedy so upset up in Ghost Heaven?

    "We are all engaged in a great battle," he told the conservative activists here. Santorum took issue with a famous speech delivered 50 years ago by then-presidential candidate John F. Kennedy, who became the nation's first Catholic president after assuring suspicious voters that "I believe the separation of church and state is absolute."

    "That never was and never will be in this country," said Santorum. "Not in this country. Maybe in France."

    Oh, shit, it's on! He dissed not only JFK, but also the nation of France?

    Rick Santorum, you are about to be haunted each and every night by famous non-alive Kennedys, of whom there are approximately 8,000,000. Hope your suite at the Omni Shoreham Hotel is real nice and cozy-like tonight. Make some extra room in that bed for one very pissed-off dead president. You should probably also make extra EXTRA room for one of his dead ghost mistresses.

    And the French will probably get you, too, by smothering you with crepes in your sleep. Maybe JFK will help with this.

    Tags: Bill of Rights, John Kennedy, Religion, Rick Santorum, Values Voter Summit, Washington DC
  • Mike Huckabee Is the Values King

    mike-huckabee-crownTake notice, 2012: Mike Huckabee swept the presidential fantasy vote at this weekend's Values Voter Summit, winning 28% of the nation's valuesiest straw poll.

    Palin? Pawlenty? Romney? You mean Loser, Loser and Loserbot?

    Receiving between 12.4 percent and 11.9 percent of the vote were, in descending order, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2008; Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee; and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence.

    Rounding out the field were former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the favorite of 6.7 percent of straw poll voters; Lousiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, 4.7 percent; former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, 2.5 percent; and Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, 2.18 percent.

    There you have it, Mike Huckabee will be the One Chosen to defeat Antichrist Barack Obama in 2012, assuming the Republicans build a party strategy that consists entirely of banning abortion and not banning "Freebird."

    I'd say there's at least a 28% chance of that.

    Tags: Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Values Voter Summit