The Onion: Pentagon to Withhold Budget Figures Out of Respect for American Families

Awwwww… The Onion offers the kind of story that really warms your heart during the holiday season*…

"Disclosing the cost of even one Patriot missile could seriously damage the morale of a nation just trying to keep food on the table," Defense Secretary Robert Gates said of the new policy. "It would be a slap in the face to all the hardworking citizens who continue to struggle and sacrifice day after day."

Gates added that revealing the expense of maintaining America's military presence in more than 150 nations worldwide might also break the spirits of returning veterans unable to obtain adequate health care.

They're right. Ive seen the number. Well, not the actual number, but simulations of it. The actual is not safely quantifiable at this point and must be kept hidden away in a vacuum tube.

.

^{* On account of they have those microwave lasers now that can cook your internal organs from three miles away.}

Tags: Economy, Health Care, Military, Money, Pentagon, The Onion, Veterans

Idiot Test! Get Yer Idiot Test Right Here!

What do you think when you see Google's homepage image today for Veterans Day?

a) I don't know. Maybe a little sappy, but it's Veterans Day, and if you can't get sappy for veterans, who can you get sappy for!

b) Oh my God! That's a Muslim crescent moon beneath the flag!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! I AM THE ANGRIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD ABOUT THIS!!!! ARGLEGARGLEBARBLE!!!!!

If you answered b, then you may have qualified for a free and fun sterility procedure! Yaaaayyyy!!!!

(via The Daily What)

Tags: Games and Challenges, Google, Islam, Religion, Veterans, Veterans Day

Colbert Interviews Senator Jim Webb and General David Petraeus

Last night wrapped up The Colbert Report's two-part series, Been There Won That: The Returnification of the Ameri-Can-Do Troopscape. The show's audience was comprised completely of veterans, and Stephen's guests included Virginia Senator Jim Webb and General David Petraeus. And, as if it wasn't already eerily reminiscent of my wedding night, there was a sexy dancing hotdog.

Stephen's interview with General Petraeus can be found below.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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Tags: Afghanistan, David Petraeus, Iraq, Jim Webb, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Veterans, Video

From the Pork Barrel: Zombie Armageddon

* Keith Olbermann predicts zombies in America's future.

* An open letter to Old People from Young People: "We don't want to kill you."

* Jesus fired from Kentucky Office of Homeland Security.

* What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to keep your Conan the Barbarian sword in the governor's office.

* Ugh! I don't wanna read The Death Book. Can't I just wait for The Death Movie to come out?

Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill of Rights, Books, California, Christianity, Euthanasia, Fox, Health Care, Homeland Security, Keith Olbermann, Kentucky, Movies, MSNBC, Pork Barrel, Religion, Veterans