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Vito Fossella
  • Hank Williams, Jr. Further Shames His Family for John McCain

    If you know anything about country music (yes, I'm looking at you, Senator Byrd), you know that Hank Williams, Sr. is one of the seminal figures of the entire genre, while his son Hank, Jr. is a hack and a disgrace. (The Monday Night football song notwithstanding.)

    Now Hank Jr. has taken one step further in his career-long mangling of the family legacy. He's transformed one of his few decent songs into partisan bluster for John McCain

    [Hank Williams, Jr.] has made a foray into politics, penning new lyrics to a song he wrote called "Family Tradition" In the original tune, he linked himself to his dad's drinking and drug-abuse demons. The new version — a paean to John McCain and Sarah Palin — takes a decidedly different tack, as evident from its opening lines:

    The left-wing liberal media have
    Always been a real close knit family.
    But most of the American People
    Don't believe 'em anyway, ya see.

    Williams is setting a dangerous precedent by adapting old country songs to fit the current political climate. Consider the potential 21st century subjects for the following classic tunes…

    * "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" (by Willie Nelson) — George W. Bush

    * "I Think I'll Just Stay Here and Drink" (by Merle Haggard) — Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)

    * "I Walk The Line" (by Johnny Cash) — Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY)

    * "Your Cheatin' Heart" (by Hank's own father!) — John McCain

    * "The Weight" (by the Band) — Mike Huckabee


    Tags: Chris Dodd, George W. Bush, Hank Williams Jr., John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Vito Fossella
  • Scandal Check-In

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    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    In recent weeks, Congressional Confidential has profiled a number of politicians whose careers have gone down like a five-figure whore on Eliot Spitzer (D-NY). The time has now come to check back in on them, and possibly roll them onto their stomachs to prevent asphyxiation. Here's how the past month's scandals have been unfolding:

    Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY) — When we last heard from Fossella, he was breaking breathalyzer equipment with a 0.13 reading at a DC-area traffic stop. This, along with the discovery of his shadow family in Arlington, Virginia, prompted the five-term Congressman to cancel his re-election bid. But now word has surfaced that Fossella is employing the same private dicks that snooped for O.J. Simpson to defend him in his DWI case. The gumshoes, who have also worked for John Gotti and Patty Hearst, have recently been spotted "refreshing the memories" of employees at Logan's Tavern, the Washington bar that ejected Fossella hours before his arrest. When told by Fossella that they also had permission to break kneecaps, the investigators declined, reminding the Congressman that he was the one named Vito.

    Rep. Laura Richardson (D-CA) — Richardson made headlines last month when her third home was foreclosed by Washington Mutual and sold at auction. But in the wake of that scandal, word surfaced that the Congresswoman, who apparently receives accounting advice from Willie Nelson, once abandoned her BMW at a Long Beach auto garage rather than pay $735 to have it repaired. Richardson, a Long Beach City Councilwoman at the time, then began using a city-owned vehicle, put 31,000 miles on it in a year, and only surrendered it five days after she left office. While this is embarrassing news for a member of Congress, we hope that Richardson realizes that if she became a military contractor, she could be getting paid for this kind of thing.

    Gov. Jim Gibbons (R-NV) — Gibbons, of course, is America's favorite homeless Governor, whose wife ejected him from the Nevada Governor's Mansion following allegations of an affair. Since we last reported, details have been trickling out of Carson City, and we can now confirm that the Governor did in fact exchange 867 text messages in six weeks with the wife of a Reno podiatrist on a state-issued cell phone. Ninety-one of these messages occurred in one two-hour block between the hours of midnight and 2am — which we assume was Gibbons's attempt to save the taxpayers money by texting at "off peak" hours. Still, even we Pages must admit that "dirty texting" is just about the most pathetic way to engage in a sex scandal. Just ask legendary Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL), who would argue that instant messaging is a far more erotic way to end one's career.


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Jim Gibbons, Laura Richardson, Vito Fossella
  • (Secret Shadow) Family Values

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    Washington is no different from Hollywood — it's full of famous names, ruthless backstabbers, and gossip bloggers willing to grossly exaggerate any anecdote to boost their readership. As former United States Senate Pages, Dylan and Ethan Ris were privy to backroom dealings, power grabs, and scandals that would make even Eliot Spitzer blush. Join the Pages as they get the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    This Week’s Politician in Trouble! The Pages are organizing a candlelight vigil for embattled U.S. Representative Vito Fossella (R-NY), who is facing a host of accusations including drunk driving and lying to a police officer. Also something about fathering a child with a common-law wife in Arlington, Virginia.

    This one hits home for the Pages, because the square-jawed Congressman from Staten Island was a father figure to us during our time on Capitol Hill, always happy to dole out kindly words of wisdom or a piggyback ride. We say a man of his paternal caliber shouldn’t be wasted on one measly family!

    And yet some meanies in Washington are demanding that Uncle Vito resign because of the allegations, or at the very least hold a tearful press conference where he admits to being gay. Fortunately fellow Rep. Peter King (R-NY) is coming to Vito's defense by pointing out that Fossella is a "good guy who's made a mistake" and should be allowed to stay in office as long as he wants.

    Former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer disagrees, noting that many business opportunities will await Fossella if he leaves politics. Spitzer, after all, is the star of Fox's upcoming smash "Who Wants to Have Anonymous, Rough Sex with a Governor?"

    Vito’s post-political career, by contrast, hinges upon the demand for Ray Liotta stand-ins at mini-mall openings, but he could use any downtime to lay the groundwork for families three, four and five!


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Eliot Spitzer, Peter King, Vito Fossella