Herman Cain's 9-9-9 tax plan has all the value you'd expect from a former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, plus the uncompromising taste of contemporary conservative economic policy.
The plan would set corporate and personal tax rates at a flat 9% and establish a 9% national sales tax, while eliminating payroll, estate and capital gains taxation. Who helped Cain cook up this delicious dough of massive tax cuts for corporations coupled with regressive tax increases for low-income Americans? In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Cain said the 9-9-9 recipe was developed with the help of "some of the best economists in this country." But as The Wall Street Journal notes, Herman Cain is not a snitch…
Mr. Cain repeatedly refused to name those bright minds when pressed by the show's host, Chris Wallace.
"The chairman of my economic advisers is a gentleman by the name of Rich Lowery of Cleveland, Ohio. He worked with a couple of other people quite frankly that are well known that I’m not at liberty to mention their names," Mr. Cain said.
"Why not?" asked Mr. Wallace.
"Because they have their own independent businesses and I don't want to compromise their confidentiality at this point. When they tell me it is OK to mention their names publicly, I will mention it. But I — trust me, it was a couple of people that you know very well."
Who is this "Rich Lowery?" Is he an Economics Nobel Laureate? A former high-ranking Federal Reserve official, like Herman Cain himself? Actually, the crack news team at the Spencer Daily Reporter of Spencer, Iowa reveals him to be Rich Lowrie, a wealth management adviser with an accounting degree.
Lowrie, who has affiliations with the American Conservative Union and Americans for Prosperity, was a donor to Mitt Romney's 2008 presidential campaign efforts, but has since drunk the pizza-sauce-flavored Kool-Aid — excuse me, the "pure rocket fuel" — of Cain's economic policies. Of course, as an employee of a division of Wells Fargo, a firm that received $25 billion in TARP funds, Lowrie may not be the best spokesman for Cain's free-market oriented policies. There's another lesson Cain learned in the chain pizza biz: don't let the diners get a close look at the sous-chefs.
Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Economy, Herman Cain, TARP, Taxes, Wells Fargo
If you're anything like Sarah Palin, Willie Nelson or Joe the Plumber, you're none too fond of paying taxes. Maybe you skip out entirely, like they've sometimes done. Well, here's a solution to your woes: Buy a bank! You can use their debt as a billion-dollar tax write-off!
If you don't believe me, just ask the Bush Treasury Department! They made it a law, for average Joes just like you! Just follow these simple instructions:
1. Buy a bank for well over a billion dollars. Make sure it's one that owes billions more in debt, like Wachovia.
2. If you need a loan, just ask the Treasury Department. (See, they're with you every step of the way!)
3. Claim that bank's multi-billion dollar debt as a tax write-off. You won't be paying Uncle Sam another dime until Jenna Bush is President.
4. Because you're getting more in tax breaks than you actually paid for the damn thing, you're actually getting paid to buy this bank!
5. Call yourself Wells Fargo & Co.
Now isn't that a great plan? Why not get started by–
Wait, what's that loud whining I hear? Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY)?? What are you bitching about now?
"I am concerned that the notice, which was never debated by Congress, could end up costing taxpayers tens of billions of more dollars on top of the hundreds of billions of dollars already approved by Congress in the financial rescue plan," Schumer wrote, referring to this month's $700 billion financial industry bailout.
Schumer's complaint is that individual taxpayers will pay higher rates and the national debt will balloon, while the banks actually make money for being so shittily managed. He also says that this law is going destroy competition by encouraging all the banks merge into one giant one as a way to never pay taxes.
Well cry me a river, Chuck. There's no way that such a thing will ever happen, and you can take that to the bank.
Specifically the First National TDAmeriCitiCountryWellsChaseWachoviPNCNorthSouthEastWestLincolnWashington- VanBuerenNixon Bank.
They've got an ATM in your bathroom.
Tags: Chuck Schumer, Taxes, Wells Fargo