Hello, citizens of the People's Republic of UncleSamistan! 'Tis I, your devoted Comedy Central Indecision Delegate, Sara Benincasa, here to present you with a highly serious, potentially groundbreaking investigative report from our nation's capital. By the way, said capital is Washington, D.C., which is a district and not a state. Were you aware of this fact? Probably not! That is why I am here, to educate you on the finer points of citizenship.
To that end, I traveled into the heart of the city with a top-notch Indecision crew in order to consider how history might have changed if some of our great American presidents had possessed important objects like smartphones and laptop computers. I also examined what effect The Internets might have had on life in the olden tymes. And in my pursuit of truth, I learned a few things: First, history lasted for a really long time. Second, there are a lot of National Historic Landmarks in Washington, D.C. Third, you are not allowed to shoot a humorous joke-video at the foot of that giant Lincoln statue/thing unless you have something called a "permit." Zounds!
And now, behold the fruits of our laborious labors. Let us journey deep into the most exciting city in the history of cities and consider: "What If He'd Had Modern Technology?" In this case, the pronoun "he" refers to any one of a number of past American chief executives. Do you comprehend this concept? Excellent! You are now prepared to watch the best thing that has ever been captured on video. Tally-ho!
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Al Gore, Cramming for Midterms, George W. Bush, Internet, Midterms, Rally to Restore Sanity, Sara Benincasa, Science & Technology, Video, Washington DC, William Henry Harrison, William Howard Taft
Remember the Whig Party? No? That is because you were not born in 1830, and also because you did not pay attention in history class. You are the reason America is lagging behind in everything important. Anyhow, some people who RESPECT AMERICA have decided to Whig it up again, for old time's sake. And they're actually not weird LARPers or living history freaks. In fact, they're all about being, um… normal…
The Modern Whig Party was the brainchild of soldiers tired of the bickering that filled chow-hall TV screens on bases in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of them, Capt. Mike Lebowitz, a Washington lawyer then serving with the 101st Airborne Division, emailed his buddies and began talking up the idea of a party that would be fiscally conservative, socially liberal and generally mild-mannered. They picked the Whig name because of its ties to the Founding Fathers, William Henry Harrison and the early career of Abraham Lincoln.
"Our whole goal when we started this was not to come across as weird or fringe," says the 32-year-old Mr. Lebowitz.
If you are like most American jerks, you are confused by the concept of persons in the media spotlight who speak rationally about hot-button issues. You will probably not be surprised to learn that the Modern Whig Party doesn't get a whole lot of media coverage. Let us visit their very own website to learn more!
We represent moderate voters from all walks of life who cherry-pick between traditional Republican and Democratic ideals in what has been called the Modern Whig Philosophy. This Washington DC-based national movement values common sense, rational solutions ahead of ideology and partisan bickering.
This includes general principles of fiscal responsibility, strong national defense and educational/scientific advancement.
Yaaaaaaawnsies. Where are their screaming Bachmanns or orange Boehners? Where are their facelifted Pelosis and their ethics-free Rangels?
Oh, the Modern Whig Party only started in 2008?
That explains it.
Just give them time. They'll be churning out diaper-clad Vitters in no time.
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, David Vitter, Founding Fathers, William Henry Harrison
The Fox News crowd is predictably appalled that anyone would pass some blame for the Gulf oil spill onto George W. Bush. But as Jon Stewart pointed out on last night's Daily Show, they were more than glad to fault Bill Clinton anytime something went awry during the Bush administration. Of course, blaming Bush and blaming Clinton are both incredibly unfair. Because all this stuff, from 9/11 to Katrina to both recessions, is obviously William Henry Harrison's fault.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.
Tags: 9/11, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, Economy, Energy & Oil, Fox, George W. Bush, Gulf Coast, Jon Stewart, Laura Ingraham, Recession, Rudy Giuliani, Sean Hannity, Steve Doocy, The Daily Show, Video, William Henry Harrison