Indecision Delegate: Sara Benincasa Asks "What If He'd Had Modern Technology?"

Hello, citizens of the People's Republic of UncleSamistan! 'Tis I, your devoted Comedy Central Indecision Delegate, Sara Benincasa, here to present you with a highly serious, potentially groundbreaking investigative report from our nation's capital. By the way, said capital is Washington, D.C., which is a district and not a state. Were you aware of this fact? Probably not! That is why I am here, to educate you on the finer points of citizenship.

To that end, I traveled into the heart of the city with a top-notch Indecision crew in order to consider how history might have changed if some of our great American presidents had possessed important objects like smartphones and laptop computers. I also examined what effect The Internets might have had on life in the olden tymes. And in my pursuit of truth, I learned a few things: First, history lasted for a really long time. Second, there are a lot of National Historic Landmarks in Washington, D.C. Third, you are not allowed to shoot a humorous joke-video at the foot of that giant Lincoln statue/thing unless you have something called a "permit." Zounds!

And now, behold the fruits of our laborious labors. Let us journey deep into the most exciting city in the history of cities and consider: "What If He'd Had Modern Technology?" In this case, the pronoun "he" refers to any one of a number of past American chief executives. Do you comprehend this concept? Excellent! You are now prepared to watch the best thing that has ever been captured on video. Tally-ho!

Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Al Gore, Cramming for Midterms, George W. Bush, Internet, Midterms, Rally to Restore Sanity, Sara Benincasa, Science & Technology, Video, Washington DC, William Henry Harrison, William Howard Taft

President William Howard Taft and His Secret Brigade of Bad-Ass Ponies

Funny. I always thought of Taft as more of a walrus man.

Tags: Animals, William Howard Taft

Countdown to Electiony: 12 Days

After having already served two terms as President and taking a four-year hiatus, Teddy Roosevelt attempted to win the Republican nomination for the 1912 campaign from then-President William Howard Taft, whom he hated. Failing that, he pulled his delegates from Republican convention and formed the Bull-Moose Party, naming it after an animal that is slightly larger than Taft's fat ass.

The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.

Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.

(Originally published as part of a series on third-party candidates. Sorry, I'm lazy and the first World Series game is starting.)

Tags: Election Countdown, Theodore Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, Woodrow Wilson

Hillary is the Most Glamorous Female Candidate in the Race

The 2008 presidential campaign continues to spiral further and further down into the depths of distinguishedness, as Glamour magazine snags the always glamorous Hillary Clinton as glamorous guest glam-blogger.

This marks the first time that a viable candidate has written for a popular magazine's website since William Howard Taft endeavored a short stint scribing for Skinny Non-Disgusting Dude Quarterly in 1908.

Tags: Hillary Clinton, William Howard Taft

Third-Party Poopers: Theodore Roosevelt and the Bull-Moose Party

After having already served two terms as President and taking a four-year hiatus, Teddy Roosevelt attempted to win the Republican nomination for the 1912 campaign from then-President William Howard Taft, whom he hated. Failing that, he pulled his delegates from Republican convention and formed the Bull-Moose Party, naming it after an animal that is slightly larger than Taft's fat ass.

The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.

Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.

Tags: Theodore Roosevelt, Third-Party Poopers, William Howard Taft