Debate Winners, Losers and Binders

Winners

1. AK-47s, which Mitt Romney loves a lot more than other kinds of 47-ers.

2. Jeremy. And whoever loaned Jeremy his suit.

3. The guy who was wearing a Barack Obama mask this evening.

4. Mitt Romney's pension, if he still has any stock in Staples. Binder sales are gonna go through the roof.

5. New York, and especially New Yawk. We finally heard about jawbs.

6. Nassau Community College. What Long Islanders affectionately call the 13th grade got a shout-out.

7. Transcripts. Especially ones published after the Benghazi attacks, reading, "No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation…"

Losers

1. The guy who pretended to be Barack Obama in the first debate.

2. The guy who accidentally decided who he was voting for yesterday, like an asshole.

3. The Gallup staffers who thought these audience members were really undecided.

4. CNN closed captioning, displaying "Labia" instead of "Libya." (This actually happened.)

5. Candy Crowley's conservative street cred.

6. Joe Biden, whose thunder was just stolen.

7. Wolf Blitzer, who probably spent the whole night on his hologram deck, seething with jealousy.

RELATED: Mitt Romney's Binder Full of Awkward

Photos by Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, Candy Crowley, CNN, Debates, Guns, Joe Biden, Libya, Mitt Romney, New York, Wolf Blitzer

Donald Trump Keeps Getting Donald Trumpier

Does anybody know where Nicolas Cage is? Because I think I just found our greatest national treasure…

On CNN's "The Situation Room" Tuesday, Trump maintained that Obama's birthplace is a matter of opinion, rather than fact…

"Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you," [Wolf] Blitzer replied.

"You are, Wolf," [Donald] Trump fired back. "Let me tell you something, I think you sound ridiculous."

My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Watkins told me that I couldn't win arguments using that strategy. I'll bet you she feels pretty fucking ridiculous right now.

.

Related: Donald Trump Wants You to Know He Is Just as Silly as Ever

Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, CNN, Donald Trump, Wolf Blitzer

Tweet Untweet: The Impregnable CNN

Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have pulled out of an upcoming CNN debate. Rick Santorum just stuck a Bayer aspirin between Wolf Blitzer's knees.

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 16, 2012

Tags: CNN, Contraception, Debates, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sex, Tweet Untweet, Twitter, Wolf Blitzer

The Jacksonville Debate Awards

Best Outrage by a Soon-to-Be-Failed Presidential Contender: Rick Santorum, who worked himself into a pique over every question, except the one about whether or not he likes his wife.

Best Display of Cluelessness as Virtue: Mitt Romney, who wants everyone to know he has absolutely no idea what is going on with his investments, the same way he has absolutely no idea what his Super PAC's attack ads say.

Best Effort by a Junior Astronaut: Newt Gingrich, who is serious about that moon colony, at least as long as he's campaigning in Florida.

Best Attempt to Be Left Alone: Ron Paul, who was "not interested" in non-Fed-related questions, and who said he'd answer calls from Raul Castro by asking "why he was calling."

Best Old Lady: TIE between Rick Santorum's mom and all the immigrant grandmothers with whom Mitt Romney says he does not have a problem.

Best Moderator: Anyone but Wolf Blitzer. We'll rescind this award if it turns out that the "why would your wife make a good First Lady" question turns into a jobs discussion when you play it backwards.

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Debates, Florida, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Wolf Blitzer

The Daily Show on Herman Cain's 13-Year Can't Close the Deal Scandal

If Herman Cain spent more than a decade providing financial support to Ginger White and getting absolutely nothing in return, why the hell is he running for president as a Republican?! He could be the poster boy for Democrats!

Coverage continues with Daily Show correspondents Wyatt Cenac, Jason Jones and Samantha Bee after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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Tags: Ginger White, Herman Cain, Jason Jones, Jon Stewart, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Samantha Bee, Scandalgate, Sex, The Daily Show, Video, Wolf Blitzer, Wyatt Cenac