Great Moments in History According to the Obama White House

Among presidents and other high-ranking politicians, narcissism isn't so much a hazard as a job requirement. Still, there's being self-centered and then there's… rewriting the history of the United States to include one's own accomplishments within the biographies of past American leaders.

The conservative Heritage Foundation and Commentary Magazine catches the White House doing the latter — enumerating Barack Obama's achievements within the biographical sketches of presidents past. Unfortunately, the President's communication team neglected a few key moments in history…

* When Jefferson assumed the Presidency on March 4, 1801, the crisis in France had passed. Today, President Obama communicates with the President of France entirely through apologies.

* On March 4, 1841 William Henry Harrison became the first president to have his photograph taken. Today, the most dangerous place in America is between President Obama and a live camera.

* Inaugurated on July 10, 1850, Millard Fillmore had a weird name. Today, Barack Obama has a weird name.

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Tags: 14th Amendment, Barack Obama, Franklin Roosevelt, George Bush, Grover Cleveland, History, James Buchanan, Millard Fillmore, Theodore Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, Woodrow Wilson

Ron Paul, California Straw Poll Winner, Is Your New Justin Bieber

Everyone in California wants to make sexy love to Ron Paul! By "everyone" I mean a handful of the Golden State Republicans who actually voted in the 2011 Straw Poll.

He garnered 374 votes to Rick Perry's piddling 244. Mysteriously, Rick Perry has yet to suspend his campaign and cede victory to the future President of the Pre-Woodrow Wilsonian Isolationist States of Libertamerica.

But those 374 passionate people in California have made it clear: Ron Paul is a pop star!

Paul is causing a sensation at the California Republican Party convention in Los Angeles, followed by hoards of chanting supporters as he makes his way around the JW Marriott at LA Live where 1,000 state party activists are convening in a three day meeting.

The Texas Congressman was met by a parade of sign-bearing supporters on the street when he arrived at the hotel, and they have followed him adoringly around the venue. T-shirts on display proclaim the "Ron Paul Revolution" and "I'm voting for Peace."

But has he been asked to pose for Playgirl? We think not.

Ron Paul will never truly be King until a squealing Vince Vaughn or John Mayer asks him to sign a man-boob.

Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: California, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Woodrow Wilson

Glenn Beck's History Lesson for America: Frankrak D. Obamavelt Is a Communist Hitler, and the True Difference Between Europe and the U.S. Involves Trains or Something

You kind of have to respect a guy who can keep a straight face while comparing Kristallnacht to the G20 protests. (Totally the same thing. Totally!) Really! It's a skill. And most most people — burdened by consciences, as they are — just can't pull it off.

But that Glenn Beck, he's a different story! He's the King of Comparing Nazi-Sanctioned Pogroms Against Jews to Protesters Protesting Bankers' Bonuses!

Oh! So that's how political science works. It's just like Thomas the Train! Except a dumbed-down version.

I guess that the real take-away message is that fear over economic collapse leads to racists renting space in Madison Square Garden. Wait, what? I've really lost the thread of this. Why did I make myself watch this? Do yourself a favor and don't have watched that.

There is one good bit, though…

"If you add two elements, fear and hunger, people will listen to anybody who says I have the answer… When I say anybody, I mean anybody."

You don't say.

Tags: Adolf Hitler, Communism, Economy, Fox, Franklin Roosevelt, Glenn Beck, Health Care, Nazis, Woodrow Wilson

Countdown to Electiony: 12 Days

After having already served two terms as President and taking a four-year hiatus, Teddy Roosevelt attempted to win the Republican nomination for the 1912 campaign from then-President William Howard Taft, whom he hated. Failing that, he pulled his delegates from Republican convention and formed the Bull-Moose Party, naming it after an animal that is slightly larger than Taft's fat ass.

The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.

Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.

(Originally published as part of a series on third-party candidates. Sorry, I'm lazy and the first World Series game is starting.)

Tags: Election Countdown, Theodore Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, Woodrow Wilson