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Xi Jinping
  • Biden Goes to China: The Highlights Reel

    America's favorite elderly bro-dawg, Joe Biden, left China triumphant and unbowed. He will be conveyed to the United States on the back of a mighty dragon, and shall live for a thousand years more.

    And now, a few highlights from his trip!

    1. He broke Mitt Romney's heart by offering a nuanced and subtle criticism of his hosts' creepy one-baby rule rather than turning over a table and screaming epithets at Chinese leaders.

    2. His presence incited violence between African-Americans and Chinese-Chinese.

    3. He became buds with China's George W. Bush, VP Xi Jinping. Xi's daddy was a Communist Party boss, and Xi himself used to be the governor of the southern province of Guangdong (no word on whether he ever owned Guangdong's baseball team.) According to NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg's side project, "Biden described Xi as 'strong' and 'pragmatic' and intent on building a 'personal friendship.' " Squee! Besties!

    4. He responded elegantly and rationally to reports that his trip's real purpose was to explain the U.S. economic situation to the Chinese and soothe their concerns about our nation's debt troubles. Haha, J/K! Actually, he said, "I didn't come to explain a damn thing." Then, presumably, he walked onto Air Force Two, fist aloft, and threw the devil sign while Bat Out of Hell blared from nearby speakers.

    Photo by Yoshikazu Tsuno/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: China, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, Xi Jinping
  • Joe Biden Goes to China

    If Barack Obama is America's stressed-out dad, Joe Biden is our totally rad uncle who sometimes says the "F" word in front of the kids after he's had a few. Why would he not be the ideal emissary to represent our giant, dysfunctional American family in China?

    Vice Dictator Xi Jinping, the probable future head of China's Communist Party and eventual president-for-as-long-as-he-wants, plans to roll out the red commie carpet for Joe, his buddies, and whoever the heck else wants to party like it's 1949. (Note: "whoever the heck else" does not include Taiwanese or Tibetans. Sorry, traitors!)

    Let's see what's on the itinerary for our nation's awesome, chill uncle-in-chief!

    As well as attending two formal meetings and a banquet with Mr. Biden in Beijing, Mr. Xi will join him this weekend for a visit to Dujiangyan, a city in the western province of Sichuan that was devastated by an earthquake in 2008.

    U.S. officials say Mr. Xi will also share an "informal dinner" with Mr. Biden in a restaurant in the provincial capital, Chengdu — an unusual move for any member of the party's secretive nine-man Politburo Standing Committee, let alone the heir apparent.

    But really, isn't ANY dinner with Joe Biden automatically "informal?" This is a man who won't even let a gal's recent gunshot wound to the head get in the way of a good one-liner, and that's on the House floor. Does anyone really think that a three-hour sit-down with Biden in some random Chinese restaurant could be anything other than a casual good time? By the end of the night, Xi and Biden are going to be drunk on cheap beer, playing strip poker in their Fruit of the Looms, laughing their asses off.

    Biden won't bring democracy to China, but he may introduce them to the power of the fist-bump. And that's a start.

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: China, Joe Biden, Xi Jinping