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Submitted by Steven Padnick.

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Unable to make much progress on a plan for saving the Eurozone economies from a spiraling debt crisis, Barack Obama and the other leaders of the G-8 gathered at Camp David turned to another activity in which any exciting action is strictly forbidden — soccer.

Despite the fact that we're presently amid a three-year long celebration of There's No World Cup This Year, apparently there's still international soccer being played. Pool reports offered a behind the scenes look at Obama's soccer party with "German Chancellor Angela Merkel, British Prime Minister David Cameron and other world leaders" including "some playful trash talking… in many languages."

Unfortunately, few details have emerged as to the nature of the trash talk, but good sense and a respect for national stereotypes allows us to fill in the blanks…

FRANCOIS HOLLANDE: Haha, Angela! Bayern's getting screwed harder than an underage prostitute at Villa Gernetto.

ANGELA MERKEL: (Scowls)

MARIO MONTI: Excuse me, Mr. Berlusconi is no longer our prime minister. That is a quite unnecessary comparison…

HOLLANDE: Oh, be quiet. It's No Child Left Behind with those Italians, amirite, Barack?

BARACK OBAMA: Ugh, the Artist lied to us. I thought French people were supposed to be silent. Let me be clear, we must reject as false the choice between Bayern Munich and Chelsea…

DAVID CAMERSON: No, but seriously Angela, we haven't won a shootout this satisfyingly since 1945.

MERKEL: (Scowls)

DMITRY MEDVEDEV: HA! I will transmit this burn to Vladimir.

End Scene.

CHICAGO: Obama Says US Not Deserting Afghanistan: 'We Will Continue to Follow You on Twitter' #nato

— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) May 21, 2012

Here's Jordan (@jordancarlos) performing his duties as an Indecision Delegate, along with Jared Logan, on the streets of New York City…

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Related: Indecision Delegates: Rebranding the GOP for the Hipster Vote

And one appearance on Meet the Press to gain the support of the entire Republican Party…

The Republican National Committee is looking to capitalize on Newark Mayor Cory Booker’s (D) criticism of the Obama campaign's attack on Mitt Romney's record at Bain Capital, urging supporters to sign a petition saying they "stand with Cory."

"Yesterday New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker, a surrogate spokesman for the Obama campaign, called the president's attacks on the free market 'ridiculous,'" the petition reads. "That's right Mr. President, we aren't going to let you destroy free enterprise. Stand up for America. Stand up for job creators."

I think we can add one more name to ever-growing list of prospective Romney VP choices. It would certainly be more interesting than some.

And not nearly as silly as others.

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* James Lipton teaches Romney how to act authentic. In other words, like an oxymoron.

* Larry King is the king, nay, emperor of dubstep, from Funny or Die.

* Before President Obama could endorse gay marriage, he had to do a lot of vetting.

* Behind the Pen: The Chinese Threat, from The Onion.

* Fabulous tyrants, dictators & popes, from Scott Scheidly.

Thanks to an analysis by the Sunlight Foundation of speeches recorded in the Congressional Record, we have an answer! Members of Congress sound like preening teenagers because they talk like teenagers…

Today's Congress speaks at about a 10.6 grade level, down from 11.5 in 2005. By comparison, the U.S. Constitution is written at a 17.8 grade level, the Federalist Papers at a 17.1 grade level, and the Declaration of Independence at a 15.1 grade level. The Gettysburg Address comes in at an 11.2 grade level and Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech is at a 9.4 grade level. Most major newspapers are written at between an 11th and 14th grade level.

Respect for comity demands that both sides be blamed equally for increasingly simplistic language, unfortunately, the data doesn't quite bear that out…

Between 1996 and 2005, Republicans overall spoke at consistently 2/10ths of a grade level higher than Democrats, except for 2001, when a rare moment of national unity also seems to have extended to speaking at the same grade level. But following 2005, something happened, and Congressional speech has been on the decline since. For Republicans as a whole, the decline was from an 11.6 grade level to a 10.3 grade level in 2011 (up slightly to 10.4 in 2012 so far). For Democrats, it was a decline from 11.4 to 10.6 in 2011 (also up slightly to 10.8 in 2012 so far.)

We could have discerned the obvious when every debt crisis-related press release read from Eric Cantor as a variant of, "NO DAD, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME," but for those who need more evidence, this study relies on the Flesch-Kincaid test. Crucially, the test equates higher scores with longer words and sentences, saying nothing about the clarity, eloquence or correctness of the content. Some of the most effective and intelligent public figures are plainspoken.

Nevertheless, these results help explain the raft of intrusive sexuality-related legislation in recent months. Fifteen year old me also had an unhealthy fascination with lady's private parts.

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These people are true American heroes, and any attempt to stymie their noble efforts to horde money is clearly an act of anti-patriotic menace so heinous it can only be compared to… compared to…

Well, I'll let Grover Norquist explain…

Norquist, the president of Americans for Tax Reform, said the targeting people that turn in their passports reminded him of regimes that had driven people out of the country, only to confiscate their wealth at the door.

"I think Schumer can probably find the legislation to do this. It existed in Germany in the 1930s and Rhodesia in the ’70s and in South Africa as well," said Norquist. "He probably just plagiarized it and translated it from the original German."

The Nazis infamously implemented a departure tax on Jews who tried to flee Germany before World War II. Schumer is Jewish.

Well put! I'll bet Grover Norquist got an A+ in Comparison class back in school.

And it's only more chilling a comparison when you consider the awful inhuman yoke of subjugation under which that U.S. billionaires are forced to live in the Democratic regime. Can you imagine the grim specter of being forced to cycle money back into the economy? I get physically ill at the very thought of it.

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Related: Quote Unquote: Impeaching Obama

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Wait, so now Cory Booker is starting fires and THEN coming to the rescue?

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) May 21, 2012