Understand? You will (kinda)…

(via The Daily What)

But first, here's a few from last week's challenge: Levin to Replace Rangel as Ways and Means Chairman…

No sir, he can't remain; new man already clasps a gavel. (anagranny)

Nostalgia? Man marches and will earn severance pay. (Dharam)

Democrats, as a shenanigan camp… Will ya' never learn?! (Beth)

Here's this week's headline…

Ex-Congressman Describes Tickle Fights With Aides

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Leave your anagrams in the comments.

Salon's Alex Koppelman responds to Moulitsas's response by quoting — right from the congressperson's own website — all the good super-idealistic legislation that Kucinich has introduced to Congress these past 13 years…

"In Congress, Kucinich has authored and co-sponsored legislation to create a national health care system, preserve Social Security, lower the costs of prescription drugs, provide economic development through infrastructure improvements, abolish the death penalty, provide universal prekindergarten to all 3, 4, and 5 year olds, create a Department of Peace, regulate genetically engineered foods, repeal the USA PATRIOT Act, and provide tax relief to working class families."

Notice that the bio never actually says whether any of that legislation actually passed. In fact, according to the web site GovTrack, of the 97 bills Kucinich has sponsored since taking office in 1997, only three have become law. 93 didn't even make it out of committee.

Yeah, but I'll have you know that according to the rules of quantum physics (as I understand them) those 93 bills are doing fantastically well in some alternate universe somewhere.

Amen…

What concerns me the most about the prospect of Porter's prayers ever being granted is what it would for the porn industry. I don't like the idea of conservative Christians controlling the porn that I watch.

Mostly because I don't like gay porn.

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^{* Q: Why was Adam a famous runner? A: Because he was first in the human race.}

But words don't need to be elitist. Let's take back words from the word-mongers! Let's re-brand them as something a little more manly, a little more American. Like, "info-grunts." Or "idehowls."

Stephen Colbert knows what I'm info-grunting about…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

In the interview with Mr. Beck, Mr. Massa acknowledged exercising poor judgment in his interactions with his staff on another occasion. He recalled tickling an aide during a birthday party in a townhouse he shared with five of his staff members.

"Now they are saying I groped a male staffer," he told Mr. Beck. "Yeah I did. Not only did I grope him. I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and then four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday. It was kill the old guy. You can take anything out of context."

Where in the Constitution does it say a member of Congress cannot grope and tickle his own staffers until they suffocate? What provision in the Constitution could you point to?

Isn't that right, terror-mongering, unnecessarily-racist website that I'll get to in a minute?

You don't have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what's going on all around us. A belligerent lower class demanding handouts. A rapidly diminishing middle class crippled by police state bureaucracy. An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives…

Could you and your family get off the grid and survive in a panic? Do you have enough seeds to plant a survival garden and feed your family? Do you have the right kind of seeds to plant? If you're answering no to these questions, you need to stop wherever you are and ask yourself… "What would I do if the grocery stores closed?" The answer sadly is that you'd probably go hungry.

What would I do if the grocery stores closed? The answer sadly is that I'd probably go hungry. Unless I could kill my children before they got to me. That'd probably provide me with about six weeks worth of meat, eight if I decided to mince the offal. And I'm sure that some aimless drifters would happen across my land in that time. If I could hunt down just three of them, that'd probably keep me alive through the winter. Or till the Tribulation. Whichever comes first.

But wait! I can't eat all that protein without at least a little fiber. Everybody knows that vegetables are socialist, but I've got to eat them or else I get backed up real bad. Oh, Jesus! Glenn Beck is right, it truly is the End of Days!

Wait, what's this? Glenn Beck's going to commercial? I wonder if the solution to all my problems will be found during this break…

Thanks, Survival Seed Bank dot com! A full acre crisis garden is exactly what I've been needing to supplement my apocalyptic cannibal farm! Just one question, though?

Non-hybrid seeds? That means that they're not mulatto or half-breed, right? I don't wanna grow any "lower class" vegetables. And no fruits.

(via BuzzFeed)

Parts two and three of the interview can be found below.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

"No president, not even Ronald Reagan, will get a perfect score on a purity test once in office. Reagan, after all, raised taxes by what at the time was a record amount and signed an immigration-amnesty bill," said [REDACTED].

Michael Moore? Susan Sarandon? "Daily Kos," whoever that is? Wrong, it's Karl Rove, speaking to the National Review. You remember Karl Rove. Small guy with a potato-shaped head. Arch-wizard of conservative propaganda. What he's doing here is spinning as only Karl Rove can spin –  his very next sentence was:

"And President Reagan still belongs on Mount Rushmore. You take a statesman in the totality of his actions."

See? That crafty genius is building an Ark of Hypocrisy for Republicans to climb aboard whenever the hot water starts rising. For it before you were against it? Against it before you were for it? It's okay! Details don't matter, only the totality of your actions, and you get to keep adding long after you're dead/out of office, whichever happens (or is noticed) first.

He hasn't worked in the White House for over a year, but Rove hasn't lost his edge…

Rove also said though that the reaction from movement conservatives is sometimes difficult to gauge from the White House.

"Conservatives are a frothy mix," Rove said.

Um, a frothy mix?

If this is part of an elaborate reverse-psychology conservative media strategy, I cannot wait to see what's next… a Michele Bachmann campaign video in which she barbecues the Constitution while listening to Joan Baez, maybe?

So much that he's willing to be the deciding vote against health care legislation. (Man, that guy's serious about passing health care legislation)…

"This bill represents a giveaway to the insurance industry," Kucinich told MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell. "$70 billion a year, and no guarantees of any control over premiums, forcing people to buy private insurance…I'm sorry, I just don't see that this bill is the solution."

Asked, "Did we just get a "no" there?" Kucinich confirmed. "If that sounded like a "no" you're correct," Kucinich said.

Pressed further, Kucinich suggested he was willing to be the deciding vote against health care reform. "Every vote counts. I'm one of 435 members of the House of Representatives," Kucinich insisted.

You have to give it to Kucinich. This is an imperfect health care bill going up before the House, and he is proving himself to be a man of principles. Strong, unwavering, stubborn principles. All of America should be thanking Dennis Kucinich for his principles. God knows we can use them.

"Principles" is a synonym for bandages and medicine, right?