First there were the "planned gaffes" Biden let fly at the Radio & Television Correspondents' Dinner (from anyone else they'd be "jokes," but this is Vice President Biden, so we are required by law to call them "gaffes"). Sample:

Biden on his dog Champ: "You can see he's a Democratic dog. He's biting the hand that feeds him."

Even Joe Biden's dog won't vote yes on health care. What are we down to now? 59? 42? 48 and a half?

Then there was an "unplanned gaffe" at a St. Patrick's Day ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen…

Biden asked for God's blessing for the late mother of Cowen — except she is alive.

"God rest her soul," Biden said Wednesday night, before quickly turning around and correcting himself. "Although she's — wait — your mom's still alive. It was your dad who passed."

Biden quickly followed, "God bless her soul."

Great. Health care reform is officially screwed.

(Not because of Joe Biden's comment about Mrs. Cowen! Just because.)

(For a good time, go to the 0:51 point.)

For what it's worth, the kind of guy — degenerative disorder of the central nervous system or not — who sits down in front of a bunch of angry protesters looking all Mr. Sad Face with a sign that says "Got Parkinson's" probably isn't a Crown Prince of Common Sense himself.

But, wow, do the jackals take the bait and just totally run with it! It's like they were having a contest to see who could win the World Cup for Biggest Conservative Caricature.

(via Wonkette)

Oh well. Here's some reverently austere captioned photos of Dear Leader for you to quietly ponder…

More wondrous photographs for the betterment of the people after the jump…

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Fox News — always at the front of a story about Fox News — was there to interview the Fox News anchor about the upcoming Fox News interview that will be shown on Fox News…

What kind of preparation and research will you be doing to get ready?
I have been talking to a number of Fox correspondents and bouncing ideas off of them. We have a "brainroom" that has been working on some facts and figures for me… and I have been reading thousands of viewers responses — some really smart questions in the bunch.

Yes, I've heard about this. It's a closed system, kind of the hydrologic cycle. A producer goes into the room where they keep the Fox News brain and, after translating electromagnetic pulses into talking points, runs into the news room to feed the copied talking points to the Fox News anchors who rephrase the talking points as questions which they ask their pundits on the air.

Viewers memorize these questions and ask them of one another repeatedly until they have been completely ingrained in their cerebral cortexes. Then, once the Fox News producers have secured an interview appointment with a prominent liberal politician, the Fox News anchors ask their viewers what questions should be asked, at which time the viewers respond with questions originally provided by the Fox News brain. The politicians answers are fed back into the Fox News brain, and the cycle repeats itself.

It's actually a beautiful, beautiful dance of nature.

But, hey, that's all probably a little too Inside baseball for the common viewer. ("I don't care how my Fox News sausage is made, I just care that it's not served with some fruity French mustard with white wine in it.") What about the questions about the interview about the later-on-tonight interview that the people are really dying to know?

[H]ow do you decide what you will wear? Oh, and have you decided which fold to use for your pocket square?
Haha… my wife, Amy, will have final say in the morning. But, it IS St. Patrick's Day.. and I am Irish (and German…and so is my wife)… so… I think green will be included somewhere. The pocket square is always included… we'll see what Amy pulls out for me in a few hours… she’s the fashion consultant. Please tune in… it should be interesting!!

Hahahahaha! VERY INTERESTING!!

I mean, will he go for the three-corners up pocket square fold?! My head says no, but my heart says yes! All I know is I simply cannot wait to find out!

Right?

(via The Daily What)

But first, here's a few from last week's challenge: Ex-Congressman Describes Tickle Fights With Aides…

Big searches missed his excited "snorkeling" act. WTF? (Dharam)

"Right's Ass Shows If I'm Excited," said Glenn Beck, erect. (Angel)

His scribes, clerks: "Oh, we find Massa getting excited." (anagranny)

Here's this week's headline…

Senate G.O.P. Leader Finds Weapon in Unity

.

Leave your anagrams in the comments.

Prominent conservative commentator and RedState.com editor Erick Erickson will join CNN as a political contributor, appearing primarily on CNN's new show John King, USA¸ the network announced Tuesday.

"Erick's a perfect fit for John King, USA, because not only is he an agenda-setter whose words are closely watched in Washington, but as a person who still lives in small-town America, Erick is in touch with the very people John hopes to reach," said Sam Feist, CNN political director and vice president of Washington-based programming.

So many questions! Will Erickson's audience see him as a sellout or a successful infiltrator? Is CNN skewing right or is CNN just desperate for more ginned-up shouting matches, since reasonable discourse gets terrible ratings?

Most importantly, what is with "John King, USA"? Does that mean Campbell Brown gets Canada?

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

It was a tough call to make. Luckily, a trusted voice came along to offer him council…

[O]n Monday, as Obama spoke at a rally in Strongville, Ohio, in the congressman's suburban Cleveland district, someone in the audience called out, "Vote yes."

Obama turned to Kucinich, who was on stage for the rally and said, "Did you hear that, Dennis?"

Apparently, Dennis Kucinich did hear that. He heard that random guy in the audience loud and clear. And it turns out that that random guy in the audience's opinion was what he had been waiting for all along. Random guy in the audience's calm, even-keeled advice was as a shimmering beacon of rationality in a dark sea of confusion. And thus, Rep. Kucinich had an announcement to make…

When all the dust has settled in this health care kerfuffle, if reform is passed — as some think maybe it might sorta but not for certain — we will remember this man's bravery. His wisdom. His willingness to stand up for what he believes in. His tendency to yell things out at public events.

Random guy in audience, you will long be remembered as this media cycle's Joe the Plumber.

What's he talking about? The six groups who are benefiting most from the war on drugs? I don't even know. I couldn't hear anything he was saying over the sound of how much he probably smells like Patchouli.

Jeeze, if these Deadheads were half as good at keeping a steady job as they were at coming up with sensible, well-reasoned arguments for changing the way our country deals with its drug problem, they'd have enough money to join the establishment…

Get a haircut!

(via Dan Savage)

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Reliably crazy Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert was one of the lawmakers who spoke on the topic of abortion — which is still not going to be funded by federal dollars, despite the yelling — and he brandished a prop to illustrate his remarks: an actual abortion! You know, the paper abortion. The one everyone's yelling about? The health care bill? The bill itself is an abortion, because it, uhh… here, let Rep. Gohmert explain.

Because of all the demons! Of course.

That is what the D after Nancy Pelosi's name stands for, right?

Attention political geeks, policy dorks and legislative turdmunchers: C-Span is getting ready to steal those last few remaining unused neurons that you were planning to one day put toward having a social life…

C-Span has uploaded virtually every minute of its video archives to the Internet. The archives, at C-SpanVideo.org, cover 23 years of history and five presidential administrations and are sure to provide new fodder for pundits and politicians alike.

Just listen to these sobering Scared Straight-style warnings from Poindexters who seem to have already been sucked in by the video archive's mag-nerd-ic tractor beam…

Having free online access to the more than 160,000 hours of C-Span footage is "like being able to Google political history using the 'I Feel Lucky' button every time,” said Rachel Maddow, the liberal MSNBC host.

Ed Morrissey, a senior correspondent for the conservative blog Hot Air, said, "The geek in me wants to find an excuse to start digging."

You see what you've done, C-Span? You've found common ground between Rachel Maddow and Ed Morrissey. I hope you're happy with yourself.

"I have been a racist since 1921. I don't know how they can think I'm imitating Hitler."
…..– Benito Mussolini

Hey, who can blame Il Duce? Can you imagine how mortifying it would be to show up at the Axis Spring Pageant and discover that you and der Führer were wearing the exact same antisemitic gown?

On a somewhat related note…

"You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court… defined marriage as simply, quote, 'the establishment of intimacy… I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse."

Hahahaha! Take that, gay horses! You can't beat the flawlessness of that logic (except for the small point that every aspect of Hayworth's argument, including the quotation that serves as its premise, is little more than the fevered imaginings of a half-broken mind)! Suck it, Equus!!

Anyway, last night, Rachel Maddow got mad at how Hayworth was smart enough to invent a quotation that never existed before he invented it. So, she invited Hayworth to be a guest on her Lesbian News Hour, and he calmly explained to her that, though she may have a pile of facts in front of her, she is still wrong because just because…

Whoa! Watching Hayworth's brilliant rhetoric skills has changed my life! I'm never going to admit that I'm wrong ever, ever again! And it works for absolutely everything! Here, watch Hayworth put it into action…

You: What you said about the president of the United States having been born in a Middle Eastern country called Muslimterroristan, I don't think it's true, sir.

Hayworth: Well, that's fine. You and I can have a disagreement about that.

You: Well, there either is such a place that exists in the world, or there isn't. It's empirical.

Hayworth: Well, I appreciate the fact that we have a disagreement on that.

Or…

You: What you said about the sky being made out of floating Smurfs, I don't think it's true, sir.

Hayworth: Well, that's fine. You and I can have a disagreement about that.

You: Well, the either is a dome encircling the Earth made out of six-inch tall blue sentient beings, or there isn't. It's empirical.

Hayworth: Well, I appreciate the fact that we have a disagreement on that.

Or…

You: What you said about strawberries being monkeys invented by booger sadness, I don't think it's true, sir.

Hayworth: Well, that's fine. You and I can have a disagreement about that.

You: Well, strawberries either are actually animals in the Primate Order that were conceived and created by the sense of loss experienced by dried snot, or they aren't. It's empirical.

Hayworth: Well, I appreciate the fact that we have a disagreement on that.

You see?! It works perfectly!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Anyway, the first rally, in Tucson, begins at noon (MST). Flashbacks commence around 12:02.

But, you know what? Don't bother making the incredibly obvious connection between those two pieces of information, because some concerned citizen already beat you to it…

"Overnight, Parachute some bears into areas [bin Laden] might be… Attempt to train bears to take off parachutes after landing, or use parachutes that self-destruct after landing."

That's all well and good. We probably can use trained airborne bears to hunt down every member of al Qaeda. I'll give you that. But will that really be enough to stave off the "emerging Global War starting in the Middle East"? Probably not. Any other brilliant geniuses have any ideas? Maybe just some projects you've been working on in your back yard?

"Would there be time to construct a Noah's Ark Biosphere in North America if there is an emerging Global War starting in the Middle East?" asked one concerned citizen. "I don't know… I only know that I have worked on such a project for many years now." The specifications for the recommended ark are outlined in the Bible…

Ah, you can find everything thing in there. Pretty much just a huge collection of useful ideas and real things, that book is, huh? They should rename it the Fact-ble.

Anything else, people? C'mon, don't be afraid to look silly and time-wasteful…

One writer let the Defense Department know of a dream something was about to happen. Likely on a Friday. "I have no idea what this might be, do you?" the person asked.

I do, in fact. Meet me in the lobby of the skyscraper made out of of Jolly Ranchers that you dreamed about (the taller of the two) just after the Centaur's ball — I'll be wearing an ennui-colored pork pie hat with a lion feather in the band — and I'll explain everything.

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Mick Foley's last appearance on the show can be found below.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Well guess what! Rielle has spoken, and spoken and spoken and spoken, in an interminable interview with GQ magazine. (She's even doing the "I posed for sexy photos and then they ran the sexy photos and how could this happen??" thing.)

In case you couldn't make it to the end of Rielle's longwinded, navel-gazing tales of her relationship with Mr. Big, here's how it ends…

Don't you want the fairy-tale ending?
I want whatever life brings me.

Okay, so I know this might be a chick question, but did you know that very first night that you were something special to him?
I did know, yes. I did know the first night. We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! [laughs] He in fact did say to me the first night, "Falling in love with you could really fuck up my plans for becoming President." And of course I said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

What she forgot to say is "spoiler alert," because I am pretty sure this is exactly how the new Sex and the City movie ends, too.