Mock a soccer player. You know, just to get things going.

^{Photo by Pete Norton - Stringer/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images}

Invite a bald eagle.

^{Photo by Getty Images/Taxi/Getty Images}

Pledge allegiance to your food.

^{Photo by Lauri Patterson/E+/Getty Images}

Drink lots of beer. Anyone who says beer wasn't invented in America is a dirty Bolshevik.

^{Photo by Adermark Media/Flickr/Getty Images}

Use fossil fuels.

^{Photo by Chris Ratcliffe/Bloomberg - Contributor/Getty Images}

Take a few hours to familiarize yourself with any NFL rule changes instated since last season. You never know when you might have to prove your citizenship.

^{Photo by Dustin Bradford - Stringer/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images}

See if this guy wants to come over. He seems to have the right idea.

^{Photo by William Thomas Cain - Stringer/Getty Images News/Getty Images}

Invite George Washington.

^{Photo by Hulton Archive - Stringer/Hulton Fine Art Collection/Getty Images}

Don't have health care.

^{Photo by Thomas Northcut/Digital Vision/Getty Images}