Did you know that there are a bunch of swarthy people with foreign-sounding names and terrorist-colored skin… hiding in the shadows of their immensely popular Internet sites… plotting to take down the government by… making eagles cry, or something?

And they're sponsored by that guy George Soros — whom, if talk radio hosts know anything (and they clearly know everything), is very, very evil.

This is no laughing matter! Don't believe me? Just watch this terrifying video that some guy made on his laptop for proof!

Holy Jesus! There was even an actual quote from Abraham Lincoln from that one time when he gave that speech warning real Americans about the dangers of certain Internet websites.

Come on, guys. This is serious. Let's all chip in and protect America from the Internet. It's what Abraham Jesus would have wanted.

(via Matt Yglesias (via Wonkette))

In 1754, Lt. Col. George Washington quit the Virginia militia, an obscure fact that now seems a bit more interesting in the wake of Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation in Alaska.

You know, now that I think about it, Benjamin Franklin wore glasses… just like Sarah Palin!

And Abraham Lincoln was known for his penchant for breathing oxygen… just like Sarah Palin. They're practically the same person!

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Don't say I never did anything for you. (Warning. This is maybe kinda NSFW perhaps.)

Really? Kim Jong Il? I'm not buying it.

Let's just say that I have my doubts about the North Korean wŏn's potency these days. That's all I'm saying.

Well, I'm an idiot. As a friend pointed out, that's Chairman Mao, not Kim Jon Il. Obviously.

And I'm sure that his potency is waaaaay better than Lincoln's these day. Now I totally see the attraction.

(via Videogum)

Sure, President Obama has downplayed the importance of the event. Senior Advisor David Axelrod even called it a "Hallmark holiday," thereby belittling other Hallmark holidays like Grandparents Day and Administrative Professionals Day.

But ever since gaining those dead pirate points, Obama can only win support from the media coverage, and so Obama will "pay homage to his 100 days with a Wednesday trip to… Missouri," the state where every exciting thing ever happens.

In honor of the landmark, we decided to celebrate Obama's milestone by over-oversimplifying it further and boiling it down to a nice simple chart comparing President Obama's first 100 days to the accomplishments of history's most famous presidents in such a way that even an idiot could understand…

When The Harris Poll asked a cross-section of adult Americans to say whom they admire enough to call their heroes, President Barack Obama was mentioned most often, followed by Jesus Christ and Martin Luther King.

Wow, that's pretty impressive! He's up there with JC and MLK. President Obama should consider that a real honor.

I mean, it's not like he's also up there with people like the worst president in modern American history, an airplane pilot who's most famous for crashing a plane into a major city's river and an egomaniacal holy woman who built her reputation on the backs of the poor people she was supposedly helping?

Others in the top ten, in descending order, were Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Abraham Lincoln, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, Chesley Sullenberger and Mother Teresa.

Oh.

Well, it's still pretty cool to be named, I'm sure.

The news wasn't quite as good for the latest addition to the nation's most exclusive fraternity: George W. Bush finished 36th in the survey…

James Buchanan — the man who watched helplessly as the nation lurched toward civil war in the 1850s — finished last.

Hear that? Bush beat Buchanan! A Democrat!

Suck on that, you liberal moonbats!

I think this could probably be classified as some sort of slasher fiction…

A Monumental Encounter

Big Abe ran his coarse, log-splitting fingers along the smooth fabric of the mattress. "You say this baby normally goes for twice the amount on the sticker?" he asked the powder-wigged salesman.

"I cannot tell a lie," Georgie responded, running his tongue delicately along his wooden teeth. "Yes, it does."

"I like a man who takes pride in his honesty," Abe said. "Do you mind if take this mattress for a test drive? Just to see how well it holds up after four score seven winks?" He lay back on the soft downy cushion of the bed.

"I don't think sleeping is what a big, thick-jawed man like you would have to worry," Georgie whispered. "But maybe I could give you a hand."

Abe looked up with a sparkle in his eye. "Oh, to see how it presents itself in a situation which pits brother against brother."

"Exactly."

Big Abe took Georgie hand and pulled him closer. Georgie grabbed hold of Abe's stove top hat and pulled, while erecting his own monument. But then, just as Big Abe was about to knock down Georgie's cherry tree, a shot split the quiet of the room. And Georgie found himself covered in the gore of what a moment ago had been Big Abe's head.

He looked up above the headboard and shrieked. There stood a man dirty overalls and a hockey mask.

A voice came sussurating from behind the mask, "Sic semper tyrannis."

Georgie ran screaming from the room and outside into the night, crossing the Delaware and looking for a place to hide from the evil thing which had just presented itself. As fast as he ran, he could hear its breathing keeping pace behind him.

And then he tripped. He looked up and with horrified eyes he saw…

To never be continued…

I am not proud of myself.

Submitted by senile&lovin'it.

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