So, you may be asking yourself: What's the proper ticket would a professional boxing/wrestling vampire presidential candidate who travels around the country on Greyhound buses to meet new teenage women on which to feast?

Apparently, it's the Republican ticket.

I'm not sure that's a good fit. Jonathan Sharkey seems like an obvious Libertarian to me. (Though, he's probably trying to distance himself from the crazies.)

And here is where the obvious Alan Keyes joke goes, I suppose.

(via BuzzFeed)

What's the point of passing actual health care reform if you cannot say it was done with policy-weakening concessions and bitter resentment from Democrats and Republicans? As John McCain knows so well, bipartisanship comes first and effective legislation comes second, maybe third, depending on what the Senate cafeteria is serving for lunch that day.

Now, as members of his own party continue to wade through the cold molasses of "bipartisan negotiations" on health care, President Obama has gone ahead and made his boldest threat yet, a direct challenge to the GOP…

President Barack Obama warned Republicans that he may soon consider abandoning efforts to get a bipartisan deal on a health-care overhaul and try to push legislation through Congress without their help.

"At some point, sometime in September, we are just going to have to make an assessment" about continuing to seek a bipartisan agreement with Republican senators, Obama said in an interview with MSNBC. "I would prefer Republicans working with us on that because I think it’s in the interest of everybody."

Obama said he may consider an alternative course to working with the other party because "failure is not an option" in attempting to pass a health-care bill.

Uh-oh. You know what that means?

Yep. Get ready for KeyesCare.

Holy shit! God — the Lord Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth — has it in for Barack Obama! At least, that's what Southern Baptist minister and former VP candidate Wiley Drake* recently told Alan Colmes…

Colmes: So you're praying for the death of the president of the United States?

Drake: Yes… I think it's appropriate to pray for the will of God. I'm not saying anything, what I'm doing is repeating what God is saying…

Wow! God is apparently saying that He wants Barack Obama to die. I wonder what Obama did to Him specifically. I'll bet they're fighting over Joe Biden's soul. Knowing that guy, he probably sold it to both of them while drunk on Genny Cream Ale. You know what I'm saying? (I'm saying Joe Biden is like my Uncle Albert.)

But, hey, I guess this also means that God isn't capable of just killing Barack Obama on His own and has to go around complaining about him to friends like Wiley Drake. Maybe what He needs people's prayers because they help charge His all-powerful battery pack that He uses for smiting people.

It's amazing how much I learn from religious people.

^{* With Alan Keyes, obviously.}

I have no idea how I'm only just now discovering this, but Alan Keyes — the guy who's actually too insane for the Republican Party and the Constitution Party — was arrested on Notre Dame's campus Friday while pushing around a blood-splattered baby doll.

Believe me, I am not creative enough to make something like that up.

He supposedly was protesting the Catholic university's decision to ask the president to speak there and receive some kind of dumb honorary degree. And Obama hates babies or some other such infantile, mono-faceted belief…

Bummer that we all missed this the first time around. But the great news is that he's planning a repeat performance on May 17th!

Alan Keyes has announced that he will be present at the University of Notre Dame on May 17 and is planning to be arrested for protesting President Obama’s invitation to speak and receive an honorary degree at the ceremony.

Brilliant!

This whole incident is hilarious because it involves Alan Keyes, and everything involving Alan Keyes is hilarious. Because the inside of his brain is hilarious.

His first person account of his own heroism after the jump…

Read more »

As it's the end of the year, and it seems as though we're all supposed to look back fondly on stuff or something like that, we thought it appropriate to make a nice little list of some of our favorite of each others' posts from 2008.

Considering that this post will be the 4,556th one we've published, you can probably imagine how difficult a task this was for us. But these are some of the ones that stuck out in our minds…

Gonzalo Cordova
MoveOn.org Needs to MoveOn.org Already

Dennis DiClaudio
Booing John McCain: A Short Play

Karen Lurie
John McCain's Guide to Training Women in the Workplace

Eric March
This Fall, John McCain Dies for Our Sins. Forever. Again.

Mary Phillips-Sandy
Gutsy Half-Hour Revolt Earns One Reporter Thirty Inane Seconds with Sarah Palin

G. Xavier Robillard
Expatriate Clinton Donor Expatriates Herself to John McCain

Dylan Ris
The Following 5 Democrats and 8 Republicans Called Sarah Palin a Pig and Hate Women in General

Ethan Ris
Scofflaw Homeless People Flagrantly Vote in Ohio

Matthew Tobey
Dennis Miller Is the Tigris and Euphrates of Outrage-Incitement

David Waters
Proven Winner Ralph Nader Gives Obama Golden Political Advice

And we'd be remiss if we didn't also take note of our very early April endorsement of Alan Keyes for president.

See you all in 2009.

When Barack Obama gazed at his ballot this morning, he saw two prominent names from his past.  One was a reminder of victory, the other a reminder to get his ears trimmed before they get unruly.

On Obama's congressional ballot: Rep. Bobby Rush, an 8-term Congressman who beat Obama in the 2000 Democratic primary.

Despite Obama's youthful charisma, voters preferred Rush on the key campaign issues of:

* Black Panther membership.

* Horniest children.

* Largest ears (a criterion Obama vowed to never lose again).

And on Obama's presidential ballot: Alan Keyes, a former ambassador whom Obama defeated for the U.S. Senate in 2004.

Keyes has a natural constituency consisting of:

* African-Americans who smell an opportunity to put one of their own in the White House.

* Christian Falangists, who endorsed Keyes on their terrifying website.

* Guinness Book of Records purists, who want to deny Keyes' bid for most elections lost in a single year.

A lot has changed since Obama faced these two men.  Rush has coalesced with him and endorsed his presidential bid early on.  Voters will reward him with a free pass to Congress.

Keyes, on the other hand, called Obama "evil" and "against God," which isn't going to help him win swing votes, although it might land him post-election work as a speechwriter for Joe the Plumber.