The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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That's right. The secret message is that he's not going to tolerate unecessary legislation when more urgent serious reform is greatly needed.

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* Keith Olbermann predicts zombies in America's future.

* An open letter to Old People from Young People: "We don't want to kill you."

* Jesus fired from Kentucky Office of Homeland Security.

* What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to keep your Conan the Barbarian sword in the governor's office.

* Ugh! I don't wanna read The Death Book. Can't I just wait for The Death Movie to come out?

"I'm running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform," he joked… "I don't have a chance," Pitt predicted.

Wait, what? Seriously, what? Was this even in the realm of possible things that could happen? Hasn't that city suffered enough indignations these past few years? (And I'm not even just talking about the whole Anne Rice association thing.)

Apparently, those people are real gluttons for punishment… extra spicy Cajun-style punishment…

The Brad Pitt for Mayor Campaign is picking up steam. WDSU NewsChannel 6 has learned there's a movement in the Crescent City trying to get the actor elected…

"Totally cute, I'm really excited about my Brad Pitt for Mayor T-shirt," said [some idiot who's not even from New Orleans]…

What started off as a crazy idea, is getting crazy response, especially now. "Brad Pitt is someone who's really done a lot for the City of New Orleans and the more people are talking about it. It sounds less and less crazy, especially with Gov. Schwarzenegger and Al Franken about to be sworn in as the U.S. Senator from Minnesota," said [t-shirt seller Josh] Harvey.

I think this guy is confusing "less and less crazy" with "everything else is getting more and more stupid."

In his defense, it's a common mistake.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced the first 25 film and television productions to qualify for California's production incentive, less than a month after the state started accepting applications for the funds…

The state's five-year, $500 million tax credit program covers 20% of below-the-line expenses for productions of up to $75 million. It can be sweetened to 25% of expenses for indie feature productions of up to $10 million — and for all existing TV shows that relocate to California. The state Legislature approved the production incentive program in February as part of a massive package of $12 billion in tax hikes.

I don't know. This all seems like a bad idea to me. I can't even begin to imagine what good could possibly come from this reckless gambit…

The list has several recognizable feature projects including "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" [and] "Naked Gun 4"…

What can I say? I have never been more wrong in my life.

Thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger, for ensuring continued meaning in an otherwise harsh and unfriendly universe.

It's nice to see that Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired the screenwriter of Commando to write his Twitter videos.

But that idea for autographing cars and selling them or something sounds ridiculous. However, that state is California and that governor is Arnold Schwarzenegger, so I don't really know that the word "ridiculous" is even applicable to this situation.

…in which an entire state full of people decide to elect the star of a bunch of action movies to lead them…

…this is the kind of thing you will end up reading about in the news…

California's government is 50 days away from a financial "meltdown" if Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and lawmakers fail to close the $24.3 billion budget gap.

But Schwarzenegger would rather see the government screech to halt than agree to a high-interest loan.

That's the record scratching part. You know, when the music changes from serious orchestral music to douchey top 40 song.

I'm assuming that someone like Jackie Chan or that dead-eyed girl from the Transformers movie is going to step in to help him resolve the $24-billion budget shortfall. And teach him a valuable lesson about life. And the folly of a panicked borrowing plan.

"What we need to do is just to basically cut off all the funding and just let them have a taste of what it is like when the state comes to a shutdown — grinding halt… Do they want to protect the workers that provide the services, or do they want to protect the people that get those services?" Schwarzenegger said. "The choice is up to them."

Meh… I still think they should have gone with a better tag line.

Therefore, I can only assume that Slate.com hacked into the president's Facebook account and published the results. And that, to me, seems like it might be some kind of treason. You should ashamed of yourself, Slate!

This was my particular favorite part…

It's funny because it's true (that sitting through Terminator: Salvation was painful to a degree that was in all likelyhood comparable to what it must feel like to have your fellow citizens get together to vote your rights away).

Revenge of the Sith: Dick Cheney is running his mouth not just because he's the Republican party's toughest and most articulate voice but because he wants to be on the GOP ticket in 2012. Reihan Salam proposes this theory, and it's plausible that we could see a Bush/Cheney ticket in less than four years. That would be Jeb "Gator" Bush in the lead role as Cheney's newest puppet. [thedailybeast.com]

Middle of the Road Warriors: Republicans should stop trying to speak with one voice, and start speaking like the post-apocalyptic warlords they are destined to become. Or so says satirist Frank J. Fleming, who in a conservative-minded humor piece as awkward as karaoke night with Michael Steele, chastises his right wing audience for giving up the fight, and demands they accept that Obama has won, and is slowly destroying America. [pajamasmedia.com]

Gas Guzzlers Save Lives: Raising fuel economy standards is good for the environment, the auto industry, and America, right? Well hold there Buster — Megan Mcardle doesn't think so. In a post that is both provocative and pithy, she writes that, amongst other things, raising fuel economy standards will actually kill people. She doesn't really explain how, but it's true. Because it's written on the Internet. [theatlantic.com]

Secretary of Moneybags Flirts With Global Communist Scrilla
Emo Treasury boss Timothy Geithner suggests he might be "open" to a controversial suggestion by China's central bank that an international reserve currency should be created, called "Mao bucks." [politico.com]

Grandchildren's Debt Passes First Important Hurdle
An important congressional committee tentatively green-lit a $3.45 billion budget, slightly less than the Obama Adminstration expected, far more than any human being could ever count in their entire lifetime. [reuters.com]

GOP Hotshot Skips President O's Speech, Grinds To Britney Live
House Republican Whip Eric Cantor ducked out of President Obama's latest news conference in order to attend a Briney Spears concert, where she shook her "toxis assets." [wonkette.com]

Governor Beefcake Opens Public Grounds To Hobo Circus
California Governor Schwarzenegger is offering the fairgrounds in Sacramento to the residents of a local "tent city," which is a nice, hippie way of saying "heartbreaking homeless horde." [bloomberg.com]

Lil'Kim Ready To Launch Harmless Satellite Of Western Doom
According to Japanese intelligence, North Korea is preparing to launch one of it's Taepodong missiles, claiming it is attempting to send a satellite into space. And by "space," they mean "directly into the talkhole of anyone who will ship us food, ASAP." [apnews.com]