I can't wait to see the opening monologue for this one…

President Barack Obama, seeking to give new momentum to his languishing health-care legislation, said he would sit down with Republican and Democratic lawmakers this month to exchange ideas on an issue that has deeply divided the parties.

With the GOP united against the Democratic bill, Mr. Obama said Sunday he would ask Republicans "to put their ideas on the table." The half-day meeting will be Feb. 25 and broadcast live, the White House said.

"I want to come back and have a large meeting, Republicans and Democrats, to go through systematically all the best ideas that are out there and move it forward," the president told CBS in an interview broadcast Sunday.

Oh boy! I hope they do the sketch where John Boehner plays a wacky character who's always making weirdly negative comments in the middle of conversations.

Like a horde of insatiably voracious crown-of-thorns starfish extruding their stomachs onto a patch of coral reef and leaving in their wake only brittle dessication, Washington lobbyists are pulling their digestive organs up off the dry and empty husk of the once lush and vibrant promise of health care reform and moving on to Barack Obama's plan to overhaul student loans*…

President Obama called the idea a "no-brainer" last fall, predicting it would take billions of dollars from the profits of private lenders and give it directly to students, and many colleges were already moving to get loans directly from the federal government in anticipation of the next move by Congress.

But an aggressive lobbying campaign by the nation's biggest student lenders has now put one of the White House's signature plans in peril, with lenders using sit-downs with lawmakers, town-hall-style meetings and petition drives to plead their case and stay in business.

I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel about this. What Obama needs to do is get a whole shit ton of hungry harlequin shrimp and predatory snails and drop them onto K Street.

But he needs to do it fast, because those lobbyists will breed.

.

^{* Did you like that? Please have liked it. I spent, like, twenty minutes writing just that one paragraph.}

On last night's Daily Show, Jon Stewart played tape of President Obama taking a question at a New Hampshire town hall meeting from a man named Dick Swett. Obviously that's a funny name, but before we get too carried away, it's important to understand that Dick Swett is just the gentleman's professional name. His birth name is actually Dong Perspiration.

After the jump, Jon responds to Rachel Maddow's eviscerations by skullfucking the blogosphere.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

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Say, have you purchased your ticket to the National Tea Party Convention in Nashville? It's only $549 plus a $9.95 fee (for Sarah Palin's wardrobe, presumably). Or you could just attend tomorrow's banquet, featuring the World's Best Hockey Mom herself, for $349 plus a mere $9.71 fee (reduced because of fiscal conservatism).

What's that? You want to buy groceries for the next two months? Fine, "patriot," here's what you're missing…

The opening-night speaker at first ever National Tea Party Convention ripped into President Obama, Sen. John McCain and "the cult of multiculturalism," asserting that Obama was elected because "we do not have a civics, literacy test before people can vote in this country."

The speaker, former Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., told about 600 delegates in a Nashville, Tenn., ballroom that in the 2008 election, America "put a committed socialist ideologue in the White House … Barack Hussein Obama."

What an odd comment coming from Tom Tancredo. (You remember Tom Tancredo.)

If knowledge of civics were a requirement for voting, he never would've spent a decade in the House of Representatives.

Hahahahaha! Look at how silly this Ugandan homosexual looks! He's got a bag on his head? Hey, Ugandan homosexual guy, what do you think this is, The Gong Show? Are you you gonna tell us some jokes? Please tell us some jokes. Because all this stuff about contemplation of suicide and fear that you're going to be murdered for being gay if you get sent back to Uganda is kind of bringing me down…

The funniest part about this is how just this morning President Obama gave his tacit approval to Uganda's institutionalized persecution of homosexuals by speaking at a prayer breakfast sponsored by The Family, an organization that has been coaching Uganda in the best ways to beat down the gays.

That gets me every time!

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Right? I mean, that's the logical outcome of Scott Brown's swearing-in.