* Best headline of the day: "Prosecutor Won't Let Bill Richardson Put Probe Behind Him" – Maybe Richardson should start him off with a little wine.

* What's up with Michele Bachmann and God? Is she maybe seeing other deities?

* Will the Swine Flu cause Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson and Neil Peart to get super angry?*

* Obama's "green jobs czar" demands to know the truth about ridiculous 9/11 conspiracy theory.

^{* Nerd!!!}

Fresh from the inauguration, actor Val Kilmer is pondering running for governor in 2010, when Democrat Bill Richardson's second term ends.

"I'm just looking for ways to be contributive," Kilmer told The Associated Press on Thursday. "And if that ends up being where I can make a substantial contribution, then I'll run."

He certainly has been making "a substantial contribution" recently.

A Kilmer candidacy could throw a monkey wrench into the well-oiled Democratic machine of Lt. Gov. Diane Denish, who's already running for the job.

The very idea of that is idiotic.

Lt. Gov. Denish isn't nearly obese enough to tackle the job.

But getting yourself implicated in a pay-to-play scandal just to create an excuse to drop-out gracelessly seems a bit harsh…

The Cabinet that President-elect Barack Obama picked on a fast track has an unexpected opening, with New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, Obama's choice for commerce secretary, withdrawing under pressure of a federal investigation into how his political donors landed a lucrative transportation contract…

"I have concluded that the ongoing investigation also would have forced an untenable delay in the confirmation process," Richardson said in a statement. "Given the gravity of the economic situation the nation is facing, I could not in good conscience ask the president-elect and his administration to delay for one day the important work that needs to be done."…

Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs said he expected a new commerce secretary would be chosen soon but didn't have a timetable.

I imagine it's gonna take some time to find somebody with Richardson's unique qualifications willing to take that thankless job.

And, by that, I mean somebody willing to take that thankless job.

I was going to embed some footage from the press conference, but then I remembered that I really don't care all that much — and we wrote about this two weeks ago — so, instead, I'm gonna embed this…

There's gotta be room somewhere in the administration for that chicken.

There just has to be.

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has emerged as a "serious contender" to head the Commerce Department under President-elect Barack Obama, according to a Democratic official close to the proceedings…

Richardson spent 15 years in the U.S. House — from 1982 to 1997 — before being named by then President Bill Clinton as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. A year later Richardson became Secretary of Energy in the Clinton Cabinet.

I have no idea how any of that stuff makes him qualified "to foster, promote, and develop the foreign and domestic commerce." I'm guessing it doesn't.

But what I do know is that William Blaine "Bill" Richardson III is Hispanic (and how couldn't he be with a name like that?), and that makes him uniquely qualified to replace the current Secretary of Commerce, Carlos Miguel Gutierrez.

He also helps Barack Obama round out the United Colors of Benettonosity of his cabinet.

The man has no chance of being elected to the second-highest office in the Free World because — and this is so obvious I almost feel foolish reporting it — his left eyebrow is inadequate.

According to Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill…

Kaine's brows — arched, wiggly and what most people remember from the Democrat's rebuttal to the State of the Union speech in 2006 — have become one of the chief objections from some pundits to Kaine taking a spot on the Democratic ticket.

News media in Kaine's home state couldn't agree more. The Hampton Roads Daily Press has published its "Top 10 Reasons Not To Choose Kaine," and topping the list — ahead of minimal name recognition and lack of foreign policy experience — was The Eyebrow.

While this news illuminates the obvious point that Tim Kaine must no longer be allowed around children — much less the White House — it raises problems for Obama as he searches for a running mate without a grotesque deformity.

Whether it's Bill Richardson and his creepy goatee or Hillary Clinton and her second X chromosome, most of Obama's VP options possess physical quirks even more distracting than the Senator's own ears.

This is not to say that John McCain has it much easier. Anyone taken a close look at Joe Lieberman's jowls recently?

Hillary Clinton needs your help. See, she spent a lot of money recently, and she's trying to recoup a little. We've all been there, right?

So she's selling these t-shirts. It's an inspiring message. But it turns out she's not the only candidate looking for a little reimbursement — other ex-candidates are hitting the t-shirt trail as well:

Mitt Romney:

Chris Dodd, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Dennis Kucinich and Duncan Hunter:

Mike Gravel:

Mike Huckabee:

Rudy Giuliani:

Ron Paul:

VPs for John McCain:

Mitt Romney = Two-Face
Romney's stances on the issues switch so much it's as if he's making ideological decisions based on coin flips. And you should see what his face looks like under the skin graft. Nothing but metal and wires.

Tim Pawlenty = Two-Face
Pawlenty had been rocking a mullet for a while, but now that he's getting close to being a contender, he cuts it off? Sounds pretty two-faced to us!

VPs for Barack Obama:

Mike Bloomberg = Two-Face
The self-made billionaire and NYC mayor is a Democrat turned Republican turned Independent. Plus, if the rumors of his adolescent womanizing are at least partially true, we assume he used to be taller than four-foot-eight and didn't talk like a cabaret singer.

Kathleen Sebelius = Two-Face
As the Democratic governor of a red state, she's had to pretend to hate things like gays and abortions in private while loving them in public. Plus, if she side-steps Hillary Clinton to become the first woman to win on a presidential ticket, expect to see donations to Hillary Clinton Supporters for Throwing Sulfuric Acid in Kathleen Sebelius' Face go through the roof.

Bill Richardson = Catwoman
So limber that cats in New Mexico are often described as, "lithe as a Richardson."

Catching Up With A Loser! In our rush last week to profile failed presidential contender Duncan Hunter, we passed over the highly forgettable candidacy of Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM) who dropped out on January 10, beating Hunter by more than two weeks in the loser-stakes!

From Day One, Richardson made it clear that he was not your average presidential contender. Among other things, he was:

* The first serious candidate to strongly resemble the Incredible Hulk.

* Experienced as a governor, congressman, ambassador, cabinet secretary, and critically acclaimed YouTube actor.

* Latino, and therefore able to converse with outgoing president George W. Bush in terrible, broken Spanish.

* Able to withstand the wrath of lesbian rocker Melissa Etheridge when stating that her homosexuality was a choice.

* The only candidate to perpetuate a flagrant lie about being a Major League Baseball player.

Yeah, about that last one… It turns out that while Richardson did play professional baseball (in the Cape Cod League), he misspoke ever so slightly when he repeatedly claimed in various speeches and biographies that he had been drafted by the Kansas City Athletics. After his lie was exposed, Richardson tackled the media firestorm like a 3 AM phone call, explaining:

"After being notified of the situation and after researching the matter… I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's."

Thanks for clearing that up, Governor! We hope you can share some of your research skills with fellow non-draftee Fidel Castro!

Richardson's presidential campaign enjoyed roughly the same success as his baseball career. Despite support from the powerful pro-cockfighting wing of the Democratic Party, he placed a dismal fourth in both the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, leading pundits to name him "The Ernest 'Fritz' Hollings of 2008." (Or, in the case of James Carville, "The Judas Iscariot of 2008.")

For now Richardson remains the Governor of New Mexico, but the state's lackluster economy may inspire the voters to place him on waivers, at which point Richardson hopes he'll be picked up by the increasingly desperate Washington Nationals!

A member of the Congressional Black Caucus who's met with Obama's vice-presidential screening team says she offered the names of former senators John Edwards and Sam Nunn — and was told they're on the list. Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick of Michigan says when she mentioned that Al Gore is her favorite, the two members of Obama's team smiled.

Now, if they had winked, Cheeks Kilpatrick would have understood that Jim Webb is on the list. Scratching their noses is the signal for Bill Richardson, and touching their right shoulders with their left hands is the sign for Wesley Clark. If they take off their hats and touch their heads, that means Obama should steal third.

It's a very sophisticated process, this veepstakes thing.