* Hey, remember that charming witchdoctor picture that Mary wrote about a few weeks ago? This guy knows what I'm talking about? (And, by "this guy," I mean "prominent conservative activist Dr. David McKalip.")

* Health Care Reform from the people who brought you Saw: Parts I thru XVI.

* This just in: Barack Obama hates the Socratic concept of "Law." Also, he's not so keen on "Order."

* Bob Barr likes watching his babies die. (But in a good way.)

* What the hell is going on over there in Iowa?

* Is Carrie Prejean actually going to be on the next season of The Apprentice? And what does that have to do with Meghan McCain? And, most importantly, why do I care?

Something exciting's happening these days. Can't you just smell it in the air? It smells sort of gasoline-y, with some sulfur-ish overtones. And definitely some unwashed stale perspiration.

Yeah, that right! According to the Missouri Information Analysis Center, it's militia-joining time!

"Due to the current economical and political situation, a lush environment for militia activity has been created," the Feb. 20 report reads. "Unemployment rates are high, as well as costs of living expenses. Additionally, President Elect Barrack [sic] Obama is seen as tight on gun control and many extremists fear that he will enact firearms confiscations."

MIAC is one of 58 so-called "fusion centers" nationwide that were created by the Department of Homeland Security, in part, to collect local intelligence that authorities can use to combat terrorism and related criminal activities.

You don't have to pitch to me anymore of your silly fearful plan to spy on U.S. citizens. 'Cause I'm sold! I'm joinin' up one of them there militias you speak of.

Let's see… I've already got the unkempt beard and festering misanthropy. What are some of the other requirements?

People who supported former third-party presidential candidates like Texas Rep. Ron Paul, Chuck Baldwin and former Georgia Rep. Bob Barr are cited in the report, in addition to anti-abortion activists and conspiracy theorists who believe the United States, Mexico and Canada will someday form a North American Union.

"Militia members most commonly associate with 3rd party political groups," the report reads. "It is not uncommon for militia members to display Constitutional Party, Campaign for Liberty or Libertarian material."

Oh, bummer. I was hoping to join a group of disaffected guerrilla soldiers living in the woods, arming myself against imaginary threats and gleefully defecating into freshly-dug holes in the ground.

I didn't know I'd have to hang out with crazy people.

The Baltimore sun did a little research into the amount of press given to Barack Obama and John McCain compared to that given to third party candidates Ralph Nader, Bob Barr, Cynthia McKinney and that other guy whatever his name is.

And their findings are quite interesting.

But, first, here's a cat on a Roomba…

Hahahahaha. That's so awesome. Go, cat, go!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah…

Cats are funny.

For too many years, America has been choked by its tired, imperialist six-party system. The only thing differentiating John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democratic), Bob Barr (Libertarian), Cynthia McKinney (Green), Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) and Ralph Nader (Peace & Freedom) is their preferred sexual position with corporate lobbyists and defense contractors.

So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)

Details are emerging on the next presidential debate… You know, the one without those silly big-name politicians who no one really cares about anyway.

So get psyched: it's the third-party presidential debate! It will be held this Sunday. Sure, maybe Obama and McCain won't be there, but plenty of other swell folks will be.

It will be held in a classroom at Columbia University — an Ivy League venue, which is pretty impressive considering all that those "big guys" could muster was Hofstra. And best of all, it will be broadcast on a famous national network that reaches every cable-subscribing home in America! (C-SPAN.)

Needless to say, each of the candidates is expected to spend the bulk of his/her time pandering to Joe the Plumber. Here's each of the participants and their strategy…

* Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate, will promise that Joe will never need to pay taxes again, nor worry about the government intruding on his life by doing things like paving roads and fighting fires.

* Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party candidate, will propose a Constitutional amendment outlawing flag-burning, gay marriage, abortion, the teaching of evolution, and turning down Joe the Plumber when he asks you out on a date.

* Ralph Nader, the independent candidate, will vow to steal enough votes away from Obama that somehow Joe will become president.

* Cynthia McKinney, the Green Party candidate, will offer to punch a Capitol Police officer in the face on behalf of Joe.

You're probably still digesting last night's Presidential debate, but it's time to start getting ready for the next one already. Didn't you hear? There's another US Presidential debate this Sunday:

Free and Equal.Org, a group formed to encourage third-party candidacies, is promoting a debate at the Columbia Political Union at Columbia University in New York for all six candidates seeking the presidency. The group is pretty much resigned to the fact that neither Senator John McCain nor Senator Barack Obama will be there.

What? Why would they resign themselves to that? These are people battling for .5% of the popular vote and that's the thing they've decided to be realists about? If I was them I wouldn't just expect Obama and McCain to show. I'd set places on the stage for FDR, Lincoln, Dave, Batman and Bigfoot. As long as you're banking on the impossible, why not shoot the moon?

[Event planner Christina M.] Tobin added that if this event, which will be held at 8 p.m. is successful, her group plans to hold another one a few days later.

Sounds good to me, but why stop there? Put one on every week for the next four years. I checked the candidates' schedules and they're wide open.