* Hey, remember that charming witchdoctor picture that Mary wrote about a few weeks ago? This guy knows what I'm talking about? (And, by "this guy," I mean "prominent conservative activist Dr. David McKalip.")

* Health Care Reform from the people who brought you Saw: Parts I thru XVI.

* This just in: Barack Obama hates the Socratic concept of "Law." Also, he's not so keen on "Order."

* Bob Barr likes watching his babies die. (But in a good way.)

* What the hell is going on over there in Iowa?

* Is Carrie Prejean actually going to be on the next season of The Apprentice? And what does that have to do with Meghan McCain? And, most importantly, why do I care?

Yeah, that right! According to the Missouri Information Analysis Center, it's militia-joining time!

"Due to the current economical and political situation, a lush environment for militia activity has been created," the Feb. 20 report reads. "Unemployment rates are high, as well as costs of living expenses. Additionally, President Elect Barrack [sic] Obama is seen as tight on gun control and many extremists fear that he will enact firearms confiscations."

MIAC is one of 58 so-called "fusion centers" nationwide that were created by the Department of Homeland Security, in part, to collect local intelligence that authorities can use to combat terrorism and related criminal activities.

You don't have to pitch to me anymore of your silly fearful plan to spy on U.S. citizens. 'Cause I'm sold! I'm joinin' up one of them there militias you speak of.

Let's see… I've already got the unkempt beard and festering misanthropy. What are some of the other requirements?

People who supported former third-party presidential candidates like Texas Rep. Ron Paul, Chuck Baldwin and former Georgia Rep. Bob Barr are cited in the report, in addition to anti-abortion activists and conspiracy theorists who believe the United States, Mexico and Canada will someday form a North American Union.

"Militia members most commonly associate with 3rd party political groups," the report reads. "It is not uncommon for militia members to display Constitutional Party, Campaign for Liberty or Libertarian material."

Oh, bummer. I was hoping to join a group of disaffected guerrilla soldiers living in the woods, arming myself against imaginary threats and gleefully defecating into freshly-dug holes in the ground.

I didn't know I'd have to hang out with crazy people.

And their findings are quite interesting.

But, first, here's a cat on a Roomba…

Hahahahaha. That's so awesome. Go, cat, go!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah…

Cats are funny.

So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)

So get psyched: it's the third-party presidential debate! It will be held this Sunday. Sure, maybe Obama and McCain won't be there, but plenty of other swell folks will be.

It will be held in a classroom at Columbia University — an Ivy League venue, which is pretty impressive considering all that those "big guys" could muster was Hofstra. And best of all, it will be broadcast on a famous national network that reaches every cable-subscribing home in America! (C-SPAN.)

Needless to say, each of the candidates is expected to spend the bulk of his/her time pandering to Joe the Plumber. Here's each of the participants and their strategy…

* Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate, will promise that Joe will never need to pay taxes again, nor worry about the government intruding on his life by doing things like paving roads and fighting fires.

* Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party candidate, will propose a Constitutional amendment outlawing flag-burning, gay marriage, abortion, the teaching of evolution, and turning down Joe the Plumber when he asks you out on a date.

* Ralph Nader, the independent candidate, will vow to steal enough votes away from Obama that somehow Joe will become president.

* Cynthia McKinney, the Green Party candidate, will offer to punch a Capitol Police officer in the face on behalf of Joe.

Free and Equal.Org, a group formed to encourage third-party candidacies, is promoting a debate at the Columbia Political Union at Columbia University in New York for all six candidates seeking the presidency. The group is pretty much resigned to the fact that neither Senator John McCain nor Senator Barack Obama will be there.

What? Why would they resign themselves to that? These are people battling for .5% of the popular vote and that's the thing they've decided to be realists about? If I was them I wouldn't just expect Obama and McCain to show. I'd set places on the stage for FDR, Lincoln, Dave, Batman and Bigfoot. As long as you're banking on the impossible, why not shoot the moon?

[Event planner Christina M.] Tobin added that if this event, which will be held at 8 p.m. is successful, her group plans to hold another one a few days later.

Sounds good to me, but why stop there? Put one on every week for the next four years. I checked the candidates' schedules and they're wide open.

Well, what's to stop the same thing from happening in the presidential election? I mean, other than logic, history and common sense.

Because the fact of the matter is, the third party contenders may be down, but they are not yet out. Circumstances remain that could put one of them in the White House.

Circumstances like…

The Green Party's Cynthia McKinney
An abundance of absent-minded voters arrive to the polls remembering only that they want either "the black one" or "McSomething."

The Constitution Party's Chuck Baldwin
Every registered voter in the country gets pretty bad diarrhea on election day. Except Chuck Baldwin's mom.

Libertarian Bob Barr
An arcane Supreme Court ruling is discovered that awards 400 electoral votes to the candidate with the bossest 'stache.

Independent Ralph Nader
Americans suddenly decide to vote for the candidate they most want to hang out in a bar and abolish the Taft-Hartley act with.

Independent Alan Keyes
Days before the election, voters fed up with the ineffective two-party system look for something new and better. The message of Alan Keyes campaign begins resonating across the country, bringing people of all stripes together in an unprecedented moment of unity. Because Alan Keyes built a robot that hypnotized everyone.

A former federal prosecutor and member of the United States House of Representatives, Barr represented Georgia's 7th congressional district as a Republican from 1995 to 2003, and gained national prominence as one of the leaders of the impeachment of President Bill Clinton. He joined the Libertarian Party in 2006. He watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

But those two are duller than a Harry Reid policy speech when compared with Bob Barr's running mate, Wayne Allyn Root. Root is the self-proclaimed "King of Vegas" and chooses to refer to himself by his initials: WAR. His personal website, which handicaps sporting events, encourages visitors to "WIN WITH WAR!!" and features a photo gallery of Root's various TV appearances.

WAR's website biography includes passages like…

* Wayne Allyn Root is quite simply the most honored sports oddsmaker and prognosticator in the world.

* It is estimated that over a billion dollars is wagered on Wayne's sports handicapping advice annually.

and…

* Wayne Allyn Root is the Libertarian nominee for Vice President.

Actually, strike that last one. It turns out that nowhere on the site does WAR mention that he is Bob Barr's running mate. (Nor does it mention that he's actually a Republican and went so far as to write an entire book about it.)

In fact, as of a few weeks ago, WAR was trying to get out of the VP gig altogether by offering the job to Ron Paul.

Paul, of course refused, but sources say he's still mulling an invitation to call Root's 800 number to learn the rock-solid guaranteed winner of next week's Redskins-Eagles game — ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE IF YOU DIAL NOW!!!

In a statement, Barr suggested…

"Given Senator McCain's political stunt to avoid the debate, I ask that Friday's debate moves forward without him, as I am more than willing to step in to participate."

Green Party candidate Cynthia McKinney also expressed her willingness to swipe McCain's chair…

"I'm ready to go up against Barack Obama or any other candidate and present my ideas to the American people."

She promised that she will maintain decorum and has totally learned her lesson from punching that cop a few years ago.

Obama's campaign hasn't yet responded from their various offers but he probably hasn't had this much contact with people who will never be president since his last trip to Kenya.