The Onion pretty much sums up everything there is to sum up here. I think we can all go home now…

Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu…

Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.

I don't think there's anything to add to that. We can probably all just go home now.

See also: U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

Governor Jindal! Wake up, sir! Sarah Palin's on the express train to Crazytown, and all the other famous Republicans are busy having affairs, except for Mike Huckabee, who is still Mike Huckabee, and Mitt Romney, who is still just a wealthy robot, like an ATM with eyes. Sir, it's your cue!

And guess what? You're a health care policy expert who led the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals and then worked in George W. Bush's Health and Human Services Department. You know what's being debated right now? Yes! Hurry, sir! The national stage is waiting! Put on your official NBC page jacket and get out there…

I know a little something about health care policy, and I can tell you exactly the game that is currently afoot. If the House Democrats’ plan were to become law, the president’s statement that “if you like your health care now, you can keep it” will not be true. This is not an opinion, this is a fact.

Businesses will, in effect, be forced to send employees into the Democrats’ government-run health care. It’s really not something to argue about, it is a fact. [...] The plan the House Democrats are developing is a radical restructuring of health care in America. You may like it, you may not, but it is just that; there is no denying or sugarcoating it.

Facts! Yay! Facts are the best, because unlike opinions, they are irrefutable. Opinions are just chunks of random shapes we call "letters" that have been arranged into completely arbitrary groupings called "words" which are then organized into "sentences" according to the whims of "your media strategist." But these are facts, undeniable and unsugarcoatable truths, which you, Governor Jindal, just spoke to power (Barack Obama).

Say, governor, you've inspired me to look up more of these "facts," perhaps about health care. Oh look, here's one: Louisiana places dead last in national health rankings, and has been at the bottom of the list since 1990.

Well, shoot. But "national health rankings," that's Democrat for "opinions," right?

I hope there's still enough government funds to monitor this here volcano inside my pants. 'Cause I think it's about to blow…

Click here for larger image.

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An upcoming issue of Vanity Fair contains a six-page profile of Alaskan literary figure Sarah Palin, and it's on the internet right now, and let me tell you, this thing is juicier than any mooseburger you've ever eaten.

Among the revelations? Sarah Palin is a backstabby nincompoop with the all political skills of a Styrofoam peanut, and her shenanigans gave John McCain's advisers a serious case of the ulcers/"no comments." But what about Palin's second-most scrutinized child, that sweet little baby, Jesus "Trig" Christ?

When Trig was born, Palin wrote an e-mail letter to friends and relatives, describing the belated news of her pregnancy and detailing Trig's condition; she wrote the e-mail not in her own name but in God's, and signed it "Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father."

Egomaniacal? Perhaps. Or perhaps Sarah Palin is just doing God's will, and by God's will, obviously, I mean Sarah Palin's will.

At any rate, this is very good news for Bobby Jindal, who's always wanted to prove that he could beat God in a primary election.

In the wake of the extreme weirdness of S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford's Appalargentinian secret getaway, First Read takes a look at how some of the other hopefuls for the GOP nomination in 2012 have been faring.

If only we could have fifteen presidents. The choosing is just too hard!

90. The seeds of Obamamania

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