What would you do, if you had to sit through a speech by a sniveling Holocaust denier with a patchy beard? Would you just sit back and think, Hey, at least it's funnier than Jay Leno?

No you would not, at least not if you're a Canadian delegate to the United Nations…

Canada will boycott Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's speech at the United Nations on Wednesday, saying his outbursts about the Holocaust and Israel are "shameful."

Foreign Minister Lawrence Cannon will be at the world body to attend the opening of the UN General Assembly's annual debate, but officials signal he and other members of the Canadian delegation will vacate the Canadian seats when the Islamic republic's President approaches the podium.

Yeah! That's right! Da da Canada, nyet nyet Iran! Hoooooooo! Suck it, Ahmadinejerk!

Interestingly enough, this is the first time in recorded history that Canadians will be seen participating in a public display of rudeness that does not involve mouth guards and ice.

Oh, beer, is there anything you can't do? First you made it possible for me to leave my apartment without crying, and then you fixed racism. I love you, beer. No, really, I mean it.

And in your honor, I've assembled some of The Daily Show's booziest moments, including a classic Ad Nauseum, Steve Carell's infamous binge drinking experiment and one very special goat apéritif. Bottoms up!

You, Your Health & You — Alcohol

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I'm really, really disappointed in Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. I think this kind of behavior is completely offensive and beneath him…

Seriously! What's he doing at a Medieval ceremony celebrating ritualistic sacrifice like that? He doesn't need to pretend to believe in that kind of childish superstition.

It's not like he lives in America.

Ha(u)ppy Canada Day, everyone! To celebrate the country's 142nd anniversary, the Globe and Mail commissioned a survey of national sentiment, and the results may be the most shocking thing to come from Canada since the electric curling broom.

Would you mind too terribly if I explain? Shouldn't take but a moment…

“The cliché about Canadians being timid and diffident and too self-critical is wrong,” says Peter Donolo of The Strategic Counsel. “Canadians think they're the cat's meow. We have a healthy self-image – in fact, a puffed-up image.”

Egomaniacal, meowing Canadians? What next?

Even more surprising to some is an argument that the national food of Canada is now poutine, that fries, gravy and cheese concoction that should only be consumed by the heartless.

More Canadians, it turns out, have eaten this relatively recent invention than have been in a canoe or seen a moose – the traditional tests of being Canadian.

Hey, listen, Canada. Back off. We invented jingoistic indoor cholesterol-raising activities, and we don't need any Mountie-come-latelys stealing our thunder.

Heck, if we had any idea how to find your capitol, we'd probably invade just to keep you in your place. (Wherever that is.)

Hey, look at this. Tom Green still has a show somewhere.

Oh, and — more to the point — he's pretty pissed off that Fox News' Red Eye said something stupid about the Canadian military taking a hiatus from fighting in Afghanistan. And after he, a Canadian, was on the show.

Can you imagine? Fox News said something stupid. About a country that's not the United States of Jesus. And Tom Green was unable — by going onto the network and being a citizen of that country — to stop them from saying something stupid.

Update: Here's the response to Canadian anger that Greg Gutfeld was forced to make…

"The March 17th episode of Red Eye included a segment discussing Canada’s plan for a ‘synchronized break,’ which was in no way an attempt to make light of troop efforts," host Greg Gutfeld said in a statement issued Monday. "However, I realize that my words may have been misunderstood. It was not my intent to disrespect the brave men, women and families of the Canadian military, and for that I apologize.

And here's the one he made all on his own…

My apologies to the Canadian military, they probably could at least beat the Belgians.

Classy guy, him.

(via Balloon Juice)

Dear Canadians, you were so excited about President Obama's visit yesterday, I almost hate to tell you this.

Remember how, on his way out of Ottawa, the president stopped at a market to buy the local delicacy known as the Beavertail — a wad of sugary deep-fried dough?

Seventeen-year-old Jessica Miller, an Ottawa high-school student and a big Obama fan, was tasked to deliver the treat to the president, who told her he'd be eating it once he got home to Washington later this evening.

This is Barack "Sixpack" Obama's M.O., taking delicious treats from supporters and claiming he'll eat them later. Hark back to the campaign trail…

At Schoop's Hamburgers, a diner in Portage, Ind., he munched a single french fry and ordered four hamburgers—to go. At the Copper Dome Restaurant, a pancake house in St. Paul, Minn., he ordered pancakes—to go. (An AP reporter wondered: who gets pancakes for the road?) …Reporters joked that if he ate a single bite of burger or pancake once the doors of his dark-tinted SUV closed, they'd eat their BlackBerrys.

At the risk of being charged with revealing state secrets, Canadians, there is no way Barack Obama ate his snack "once he got home." Your Beavertail met its end in a trash bin aboard Air Force One. Sorry.

ps. Don't worry, I'm sure he meant everything he said about keeping trade channels open. That is, unless you start frying your exports.