Keyes, an ultra-conservative commentator from Maryland, has had an astounding career in the field of losing, spanning three decades and at least two states:

* Keyes' first run for office comes as the Republican nominee against Maryland Senator Paul Sarbanes, in 1988. He loses with 38% of the vote.

* In 1992, the Maryland Republicans put him up for the Senate again, this time against incumbent Barbara Mikulski. He gets 29%.

*Keyes decides to try his hand at the presidency in 1996, losing to Bob Dole. He gets 1 vote at the Republican National Convention — the same as Robert Bork.

* In 2000, Keyes still has a bunch of campaign buttons left, so he tries for the presidency again. He loses to George W. Bush and also, for the first time, John McCain.

* In 2004, the Illinois Republican Party — for reasons unexplained — airlifts Keyes in from Maryland to run for Senate. He loses, for the first time, to Barack Obama with 27% of the vote.

And then came 2008, when Alan Keyes realized that, by running for president again, he could simultaneously lose a second election to both John McCain and Barack Obama!

Keyes entered the race with the strategy of dominating the African-American vote in the Republican primaries. And that's exactly what he did, racking up an impressive two delegates in the process! Laugh if you will, but that was double the number that Rudy Giuliani got.

Keyes lasted in the Republican race long after John McCain had been declared the winner. He finally dropped out in April, only to decide that he was up for some more losing. So he threw his hat in the ring for the Constitution Party nomination, and quickly lost that to a guy named Chuck Baldwin. (Which makes it fair to assume that if Keyes had won, Ron Paul would have endorsed him, too.)

In recent news, Keyes got himself named as the presidential nominee of something called America's Independent Party. His campaign website consists entirely of a donation form.

For more news on Keyes losing races, check back with us every even numbered year. History suggests there's a lot more to come.

Hillary Clinton didn't drop out. She is John McCain's running mate!

That's right, the 18 million people who voted for Hillary in the primary have a chance to do so again — this time on the underside of the John McCain ticket. Don't be concerned that she's changed from pantsuits to skirts and replaced her mullet with a beehive. She is definitely still a woman, and that is all that matters.

And let's not forget Clinton’s impressive biography:

* Born: Chicago, IL Sandpoint, ID

* Educated: Wellesley College, Yale Law School University of Hawaii-Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho

* Spouse: Bill, President of the United States (1993-2001) Todd, snowmobile champion

* Children: Chelsea Trig, Track, Bristol, Piper, Willow

* Hobbies: crossword puzzles, gardening shooting wolves out of an airplane

* Social Views: pro-choice, pro civil unions ban all abortions including cases of rape and incest, "pray away the gay"

* Opinion on the Bush Doctrine: strongly opposed "In what respect, Charlie?"

And how about Hillary's grace in accepting McCain's invitation despite him once saying her daughter (now named Piper) was "so ugly" because "her real father is Janet Reno"? Well, that's all in the past, because McCain's is the "change" ticket. Forgive, forget, and drill, baby, drill!

Paul, to the shock of many of his high-level campaign officers, is a Republican. While his young supporters are known for throwing neo-hippie events like Ronstock '08 and designing flower-power iconography for him, Paul himself is better known for:

* Leading Ronald Reagan delegations in the 1980s

* Attempting to abolish the Department of Education

* Voting in favor of school prayer

* Getting an "A" rating from the NRA

* Crusading for a return to the Gold Standard

* Proposing a constitutional amendment allowing states to ban flag burning

* Trying to deny citizenship to the U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants

None of that deterred his loyal supporters, who adored him for opposing the Iraq War and reminding them of their doddering grandfathers. They showed their love by contributing record amounts of money to his campaign, which stunned his rivals. It is unclear exactly what Paul did with all this money, since most of his advertising appeared in the form of homemade banners draped across highway overpasses.

At the very least, the money kept Paul in the race longer than almost any other Republican. He lasted until March 6th, dropping out via a video posted on his website.

We'll now turn the forum over to angry Ron Paul supporters who have a Google alert on his name and are appalled that we called him a "loser"…

As Americans, we like everything bigger and better than what the other guy has, and Gravel was no exception. Not content to wallow among your garden-variety losers like Tom Vilsack, Jim Gilmore and Hillary Clinton, Gravel eclipsed them with the rare feat of losing two presidential nominations in the same cycle!

Gravel's first loss came as a Democrat. He stood out within the party's field for his knowledge of how to get a prescription for cocaine, but not for his knowledge on how to sneak into a debate. And when the party frontrunners aired standard-issue ads of themselves striding through factories and shaking hands with the entire U.S. Army, Gravel responded with an avant-garde video of himself heaving a rock into a lake — which pundits agree vaulted him over the elusive 240 vote barrier in South Carolina.

Gravel's second defeat was in the Libertarian primary, which came as a surprise to those who hadn't realized he'd quit his Democratic campaign. He got 71 out of 618 votes at the Libertarian Convention, polling fourth behind a research scientist, the self-proclaimed "King of Vegas", and the eventual winner, Bob Barr.

But why should Gravel stop at just losing two nominations? It might not be too late to try to get on the ticket for the Equal Rights Party, or perhaps the Anti-Masonic Party. And what about the Alaskan Independence Party, which we've heard so much about recently… wonder if we could conjure up a feisty fellow Alaskan to serve as VP on that ticket?

Huckabee gained notice as a candidate for being in a rock band and for courageously making a profit off a school shooting in his home state. But above all else, it was his inspirational weight loss story that gave his campaign a much-needed jumpstart.

Huckabee had been a 300-pound terror in the Arkansas governor's mansion, breaking chairs at cabinet meetings and devouring everything in sight. Finally one day, something snapped (possibly yet another chair.) The Governor took a vow to lose weight by eating only healthy sandwiches at Subway until he slimmed down to a reasonable size.

Wait, actually that was Jared Fogle. But Huckabee did end up losing 110 pounds, a feat that naturally led to his run for the presidency.

Huckabee scored big with evangelical voters who were displeased that none of the other Republican contenders had ever practiced faith healing. Their support propelled Huckabee, allowing him to nearly reach his old weight in delegates before conceding on March 4th.

Although he did not win, Huckabee made history by proving that a white, male, music-playing, food-obsessed governor from Hope, Arkansas could make a serious run for the presidency. Yessir, he cracked that glass ceiling like a governor's mansion chair!

Romney's record as a Republican governor of a blue state and his rock-solid hair gave him major corporate cred as a candidate. But Romney faced unfair criticism from those who disapproved of his Mormon faith, a historically off-limits topic. He countered this by giving voters a great number of legitimate things to hate him for, including:

* Amassing a vast personal fortune by closing factories and laying off workers as CEO of Bain Capital.

* Disparaging Massachusetts — whose voters gave him his only job in politics — like a red-headed stepchild.

* Incorrectly predicting same-sex marriage would result in the collapse of America as a world power.

* Proposing that America double the size of Guantanamo Bay prison, while simultaneously expressing his hope that its inmates never receive access to lawyers.

* Relentlessly pimping a family so white, it would make Norman Rockwell squint.

Romney financed his ego trip campaign with 42.3 million dollars he found lying in a sock drawer, and in return he amassed a cool 271 delegates. This was 920 short of what he needed for the nomination, but to be fair it was 271 times what Rudy Giuliani got.

Romney endured through the primary season for as long as he could, knowing that defeat would mean a return to his dreaded Massachusetts. That said, he only lasted until February 7, two days after Super Tuesday.

As of press time, Romney is serving as John McCain's attack dog, and is said to be high on the list of potential running mates for the Republican nominee. Should he be passed over, look for Bain Capital to purchase the U.S. Government, lay off its workers, and sell it at a profit to Dubai.

Edwards grew up in North Carolina as the son of (note: this is only for people who have literally never heard him speak before) a mill worker. Edwards repeated this point ad nauseum, even declaring that his own personal dream job would be working in a mill — which, needless to say, left him no choice but to run for President.

Edwards campaigned on a five-planked platform:

* His father worked in a mill.

* There are two Americas.

* It was a textile mill.

* You didn't know about his affair yet.

* Well, OK, his father was technically the foreman … but seriously, a mill!

Edwards also took the bold stance of being against Hurricane Katrina, only regretting that it hadn't hit Iowa, which would have really simplified his campaign.

And while Barack Obama was busy securing the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen, Edwards — the poor man's Obama — got the nod from John Mellencamp, who conveniently enough doubles as the poor man's Springsteen. Mellencamp's fans, clearly moved, responded by booing Edwards off an Iowa stage.

Edwards performed decently in the primaries, dominating among Democratic voters who thought the historic moment had arrived to elect a white man to the presidency. But then on January 30, 2008, Edwards suddenly realized he had less than a month to pick out a gift for his alleged illegitimate daughter's first birthday, prompting him to quickly suspend his campaign.

Now with word of his affair spreading to the mainstream media, Edwards' political career seems finished. In fact, as a point of unity, the Democrats might be best served by doing away with him once and for all — possibly with a much overdue send-off at the old mill!

Catching Up With A Loser! The single most important event of George W. Bush's presidency was the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001. And so it seemed obvious that Bush's successor in the White House should be the greatest celebrity to rise from that dark day, the face that graced TV news screens for months afterward, the man who became virtually synonymous with 9/11… Osama bin Laden.

Unfortunately, the Turbaned One was not a U.S. citizen, and therefore ineligible for the presidency. So the task fell to this week's entry in our Presidential Loser Series, Rudy Giuliani (R-NY)!

Giuliani's resume was without equal in the Republican field. Namely, he:

* Happened to be mayor of New York on September 11, 2001.

* Was on TV many times during and after September 11, 2001.

* Ran campaign ads featuring images of firefighters — most of whom apparently hate him — dating from September 11, 2001.

* Tried to illegally extend his term, citing the events of September 11, 2001.

* Dispatched the NYPD to escort his mistress and future third wife, Judith Nathan, on interstate trips, citing the yet-to-occur events of September 11, 2001.

* Earned millions of dollars giving speeches about September 11, 2001.

Giuliani was also the only candidate who could boast he had married his second cousin, a major coup considering one of his opponents was Mitt Romney. Nevertheless, the Mayor's candidacy suffered from feeble support among his core constituency — such as former driver and police chief Bernie Kerik, who skipped the election to ball his mistress/publisher in an apartment intended for 9/11 workers.

Despite leading the Republican field for most of 2007, Giuliani tanked in the primaries, accruing a miserable total of one delegate. Even Ron Paul got 35! The Mayor was forced to drop out of the race on January 30, 2008, much to the relief of squeegee men nationwide.

Catching Up With A Loser! If the Pages have learned one thing in Washington, it's that politics can be a lot like high school. Take, for instance, the 2008 Democratic presidential primary. You had your major jocks — Barack Obama (basketball team), Bill Richardson (baseball team), John Edwards (synchronized swimming). And then you had your nerds — Hillary Clinton (student government), Chris Dodd (Glee Club), Tom Vilsack (tech theater).

But no one was a bigger nerd than this week's Presidential Loser: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH)! The Congressman from Cleveland was the president of the A/V Club and the Latin Society rolled up into one — and the bullies on the campaign trail never let him forget it. Kucinich was picked on mercilessly for his uber-dork attributes, including:

* Diminutive height.

* Adamant veganism.

* Destruction of Cleveland as Boy Mayor in the 1970's.

It also did not help that Kucinich (though 61 years old) had still not hit puberty, and that his most prominent endorsement was from a J.R.R. Tolkien character. Still he pressed on, and with good reason. After all, his 2004 presidential run garnered him 67 delegates and a foxy new wife 31 years his junior!

But like so many other high schoolers, Kucinich hit the sophomore slump in his second run for the White House. Having ceded the "liberal populist" vote to John Edwards Version 2.0 and the "hilarious prank vote" to newcomer Mike Gravel, the Ohio Congressman had to drop out of the race on January 24, 2008. Kucinich is now back on the job in Washington, occupied with impeaching George W. Bush and protecting outer space for future generations of Star Wars collectibles!

Catching Up With A Loser! The Pages are pleased to present the next in our list of 2008 presidential losers: Law and Order star and Elmer Fudd stand-in Sen. Fred Thompson! Thompson, a former Republican Senator from Tennessee, never intended to run for president. He was happy in retirement, making TV appearances and nailing a woman six years younger than his own son. For months, he ignored a burgeoning "Draft Thompson" movement until finally he was tricked into entering the race by a fast-talking rabbit.

Outsmarted and resigned to his candidacy, Thompson plotted a quick exit from the race by refusing to learn anything about the issues, skipping debates, and describing Latino immigrants as "suicidal maniacs [who] want to kill innocent men, women, and children." But much to Thompson’s chagrin, he somehow led in the polls going into July 2007!

As the primary season rolled around, the man Richard Nixon called "dumb as hell" finally managed to chart a course toward the defeat he so obviously coveted. He lost badly in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan and Nevada, before announcing he was staking his candidacy on South Carolina.

Thompson's logic was that if he dropped out by January 22nd, he could make it back to Hollywood in time to shoot a cameo as a corpse on CSI: Miami. And South Carolina voters did their part, giving Thompson 16% of the vote and zero delegates.

Visibly relieved, the ex-Senator dropped his campaign faster than NBC could cancel Bionic Woman, happily ending his political career. Now in recent weeks, Thompson's name has been floated as a youthful complement to John McCain on the GOP ticket, but the Senator has quashed those rumors, announcing that if selected, he will move to Canada.