Just so you know, that "2009 Congressional District Census" that arrived in your mailbox the other day is not, in fact, an official Census Bureau mailer. Nope, it's a fundraising appeal/personal information request from the GOP — you know, the party that loves the census so much.

The clunking sound you hear is the sound of RNC marketing whizzes striking again…

[T]he mailer appears clearly designed to mislead recipients into thinking that it's an official Census Bureau survey, which people are required by law to fill out.

It's entitled, in bold, "2009 Congressional District Census." (The words "commissioned by the Republican Party" appear just below that, in much smaller and lighter type.) Above the recipient's address, it says: "Census Document Registered To." And it even includes a "Census Tracking Code."

Below that there are a bunch of questions about voting and political views, and instructions, which say "When finished answering your Census, please return it along with your generous contribution in the enclosed postage-paid envelope." Well, you know what they say — if you can't beat 'em, impersonate 'em (for money).

Which reminds me, I'm looking forward to the GOP's next fundraising dinner. I hear it's going to look just like a same-sex wedding.

Quick, somebody call Saint Michele Bachmann, Our Lady of No Census, because something smells real fishy down in New Orleans. And I ain't talkin' about gumbo…

U.S. Census Bureau Director Robert Groves said his agency is taking unprecedented and costly measures to ensure an accurate count of southeast Louisiana communities in next year's national headcount.

Census forms will be hand-delivered to every household in Orleans, St. Bernard and Plaquemines parishes, and in selected sections of Jefferson, St. Tammany, St. John the Baptist and St. Charles parishes, to ensure that the decennial population tally doesn't miss anyone.

Hand-delivering census forms?! How Big Brotherish is that? It's downright Orwellian. Kafkaesque, if you will. Shakesperean, in the sense of what a tragedy it is that Americans cannot live in freedom without being counted.

Worst of all, it looks like New Orleans officials are in cahoots with the Census Bureau/ACORN…

Mayor Ray Nagin [reiterated] his call for Hurricane Katrina victims still living elsewhere who want to return to the city to record New Orleans as their home during next spring's decennial count.

Insanity. These poor people have suffered enough!

This is so typical of those shady operatives at the Census Bureau, always targeting America's most vulnerable citizens for torture by numbers.

The 2010 census is, as we've learned, part of an insidious ACORN plot to count Americans using numbers. Brave Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann has made it clear that she for one (1) will not fill out her census form in its entirety, so as to prevent the ACORNS from getting accurate information about the people of Minnesota, which is a hot commodity in Socialist circles.

Tragically, it appears Bachmann's GOP colleagues aren't going to join her in this principled protest. In fact, some of them (traitors!) have nothing but criticism for our Joan of Arc of the census…

Three House Republicans on the subcommittee overseeing the 2010 Census are asking Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) to reverse her decision to boycott the national population count, fearing others will follow her lead.

“Boycotting the constitutionally mandated Census is illogical, illegal and not in the best interest of our country,” Reps. Patrick McHenry (N.C.), Lynn Westmoreland (Ga.) and John Mica (Fla.), members of the Oversight and Government Reform Subcommittee on Information Policy, Census and National Achieves, said in a statement Wednesday.

Sources say the GOP Members approached Bachmann privately over the past few weeks and asked her to stop the boycott. They decided to go public because Bachmann appeared unfazed by their request, according to a GOP aide.

Damn straight she was unfazed. If something like a reasonable request from colleagues were to faze Michele Bachmann, what might she cave to next?

Math? Logic? Sanity?

I've never understood why we need to spend so many valuable resources on a census, when an educated guesstimate would do the trick. For example, the house I'm in right now has 1500 square feet and three people in it, which means there's one person for every 500 square feet. The United States has 103,671,742,065,706 square feet, so we can safely guesstimate that there are 207 billion people in the US, give or take. You're welcome.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.