The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), chairman of the Banking Committee, cast the first vote to end the filibuster after spending the last two weeks warning his colleagues about what rebuffing Bernanke would do the stock market. "Warren Buffett was asked on CNBC on this nomination. All he said [was], 'If you turn him down, let me know in a day or two of advance because I would like to sell off stocks.' Why? 'Because the message to the stock market would be a devastating one,'" Dodd told the chamber.

Got that? Now imagine the chaos that will ensue because Ben Bernanke just won a second term.

It'll be totally different.

They're all Democrats. And they've all come to the same conclusion…

With the 2010 election year barely under way, two senators and one governor – all Democrats – ditched plans to run for re-election in the latest signs of trouble for President Barack Obama's party.

Taken together, the decisions by Sens. Chris Dodd of Connecticut and Byron Dorgan of North Dakota as well as Colorado Gov. Bill Ritter caused another bout of heartburn for Democrats as they struggle to defend themselves in a sour political environment for incumbents, particularly the party in charge.

As 2009 ended, Democrats watched a string of their House members announce retirements and one congressman defect to the GOP.

Now, with Dodd, Dorgan and Ritter out, Republicans have even more to crow about, if not better opportunities to pick up Democratic-held seats.

Trouble? Heartburn? Sour? This is so typical of media spin. Look, these guys aren't "ditching" anything. They're just passing the ball! They know exactly when to pass the ball so the team can win.

That's why I think this is the best news I've heard since Mr. America unmasked himself and revealed that he was actually Hulk Hogan in disguise*…

Linda McMahon, the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment [and wife of Vince McMahon], is weighing a run as a Republican against Sen. Chris Dodd (D) in Connecticut in 2010. A source close to McMahon said that she is "seriously considering" the race and touted her as a serious candidate based on a resume that includes leading a $1 billion publicly traded company based in Stamford, Conn.

The source also noted that McMahon would be willing and able to spend significant sums on the race, an x-factor that could make her competitive in a primary against former representative Rob Simmons, former ambassador Tom Foley and state Sen. Sam Caliguri.

Well, at any rate, this would make the debating process a lot more interesting. And I wouldn't count of Dodd just yet.

I mean, have you seen his head? I'll bet he can withstand a good four or five blows from folding chairs and still pick himself back up again.

_{* Or something. I have no idea what I'm talking about. The last time I watched wrestling, the Iron Sheik was a major player.}

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

In case you don't have your Newspeak to English translator handy, that means they decided to launch a new website called The Fox Nation, with the goal of providing its citizens with a steady diet of conservative-based nourishment.

Lots of links out to other sites, but with Fox-approved headlines re-framing their messages to suit Fox-standards. (Essentially, a conservative Huffington Post.) Such as…

* Rush says Hillary twice the man Obama

* Gore left lights on during 'Earth Hour'

* Scary! Obama nominee wants one world order

* Chris Dodd's cavalcade of scandal

* 'Sexiest Swimsuit Model' inspired by Pope

* Guess who O'Reilly is boycotting?

Hmmm… I'm guessing that the Fox Nation is already allied with Sean Hannity's America and is at least entering into diplomatically talks with Scarborough Country.

With so many candidates to choose from, who are you scapegoating for the global financial meltdown?

We're heading over to Tim Geithner's place…

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner told CNN Thursday his department asked Sen. Chris Dodd to include a loophole in the stimulus bill that allowed bailed-out insurance giant American International Group to keep its bonuses.

In an interview with CNN's Ali Velshi, Geithner said the Treasury Department was particularly concerned the government would face lawsuits if bonus contracts were breached… Geithner told Velshi Thursday he takes full responsibility for the situation.

What's the appropriate etiquette in such financial matters? Drawing and quartering or burning at the stake?

Oh, can we do both? I wish we could do both.

Now, if you had to guess, would you say that him being the chairman of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs would help or hinder his chances.

You guessed "hinder," right? I'm sure you guessed hinder…

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows Sen. Chris Dodd, D-Conn., trailing by one percentage point (43-42) behind a potential Republican challenger… Dodd also has a low approval rating; at 49 percent approval, he's below the 50 percent threshold where incumbents are no longer considered safe.

Still, poll director Douglas Schwartz said in a release accompanying the results, there was one bright spot for the senator. "The good news for Dodd is that this is the first poll in a long time where Dodd's job approval hasn't dropped. It appears that Dodd's slide may have ended," Schwartz said.

How quickly political fortunes change. It was just a little more than a year ago when Chris Dodd made it almost a full day a viable(ish) presidential candidate.

At least I'm assuming that's what happened, because surely there's no way that Dodd heard colleague Joe Lieberman (I-CT) rip Barack Obama, leaving open the question that he might be a Marxist Muslim, while simultaneously burying his face halfway up Sarah Palin's $150,000 miniskirt.

All I'm saying is no one who witnessed all that could possibly be shepherding Lieberman past angry Senate Democrats without incurring so much as a censure or loss of committee chairmanship, right?

No, seriously Roll Call… I said right??

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) acknowledged today that he is working behind the scenes to broker a deal that would keep his home-state colleague, Sen. Joe Lieberman (ID-Conn.), in the Democratic caucus, and possibly avoid taking away Lieberman’s chairmanship of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs panel.

“I’m working with the leaders, and others, and Joe to see if we can’t come to some agreement or understanding that would allow Joe to come back to our caucus to be an active member,” said Dodd.

What could explain this? Perhaps it's that when Dodd looks hard at his colleague from Connecticut, he sees a lot of himself staring back. And it is true that both men…

* Face widespread disapproval in their home state.

* Moved out of Connecticut as primary election stunts, with Lieberman moving to New Hampshire and Dodd to Iowa.

* Lost said primaries miserably.

* Declared a "three-way split decision for third" despite actually finishing fifth. Oh wait, that was only Lieberman.

* Finished behind "Undecided" in Iowa. Oh wait, that was only Dodd.

Well whatever the reason may be, it's clear that Dodd wants his state-mate at his side when the Democrats re-caucus in January. And it's because Dodd is loyal and sees Lieberman as an ally on economic and social issues.

And also because he doesn't want to inherit the unfortunate distinction of Democrat with the largest jowls.

* John McCain and Barack Obama to meet for the first time since they hated each other's stinking guts.

* Barack Obama takes a little piece of Nebraska, just to spite the rednecks.

* Obama already inspiring Change in Israel.

* Michael Steele throws his hat into the ring to help take down the GOP.

* Chris Dodd admits guilt in aiding and abetting a Lieberman.

* Joe Biden given standard Philadelphia cheer at Eagles game.

I don't drive. I take the subway in to work. So, I don't see how something like that could possibly affect me.

That said, Democrat Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate banking committee, is all going all blah blah blah about how he doesn't think that there would be enough Republican support in a proposed lame-duck session of Congress next week to pass a bailout bill for Big Car…

"Right now, I don't think there are the votes," the chairman, Senator Christopher J. Dodd of Connecticut, said, adding that he personally was in favor of using money from the $700 billion financial rescue program to help General Motors, Ford and Chrysler. But Mr. Dodd said he did not believe such a bill would get through the Senate.

"I don't know of a single Republican who's willing to support," Mr. Dodd said. "So I want to be careful about bringing up a proposition that might fail in light of the fact the authority exists, and under an Obama administration there seems to be a greater willingness to deal with the issue. So there are some political considerations to be made."

If that's the case, that there's not "a single Republican who's willing to support" it in a 51-49 split Senate, then they're still fucked. Unless Al Franken, Mark Begich and Jim Martin all manage to win their Senate races somehow, the Democrats are still going to be short of the 60 votes needed to pass the bill.

I guess all of you will just have to follow my lead and start taking the subway to the jobs that you don't have.

It's not all that bad. Just make sure to bring an iPod and stare straight ahead into oblivion whenever a guy with a guitar gets on the train.

Now Hank Jr. has taken one step further in his career-long mangling of the family legacy. He's transformed one of his few decent songs into partisan bluster for John McCain…

[Hank Williams, Jr.] has made a foray into politics, penning new lyrics to a song he wrote called "Family Tradition" In the original tune, he linked himself to his dad's drinking and drug-abuse demons. The new version — a paean to John McCain and Sarah Palin — takes a decidedly different tack, as evident from its opening lines:

The left-wing liberal media have
Always been a real close knit family.
But most of the American People
Don't believe 'em anyway, ya see.

Williams is setting a dangerous precedent by adapting old country songs to fit the current political climate. Consider the potential 21st century subjects for the following classic tunes…

* "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" (by Willie Nelson) — George W. Bush

* "I Think I'll Just Stay Here and Drink" (by Merle Haggard) — Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)

* "I Walk The Line" (by Johnny Cash) — Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY)

* "Your Cheatin' Heart" (by Hank's own father!) — John McCain

* "The Weight" (by the Band) — Mike Huckabee

"My hope is that we can get a deal," said Senator Christopher J. Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, hours after House and Senate negotiators had announced that an accord was at hand. It had also been President Bush’s hope that an agreement could be announced after the late-afternoon meeting.

Looking tired and annoyed, Mr. Dodd complained that late complications were making the episode sound more like "a rescue plan for John McCain," the Republican presidential candidate, than one for the country's financial system.

It does no good, Mr. Dodd said, "to be distracted for two or three hours by political theater."

Ugh! I hate political theater! And just look at that picture up there. You can tell that was some particularly tedious political theater they were forced to be distracted by.

I totally agree with Dodd on this one. I just can't sit through political theater, either. It does me no good at all.

I mean, I know I'm supposed to like being distracted by it and all. And, sure, I'll go and get distracted by some political theater if I think it's gonna get me politically laid. But, on the whole, political theater is just way too slow and boring for me to get distracted by. I'm always tempted to sneak out during political intermission and go find a political bar to get politically drunk in.

Unless there's political frontal nudity. That, I don't mind.

But how often does that really happen?

Because it appears that our do-nothing Congress is actually doing something about The $700 Billion Econopocalypse…

Emerging from a two-hour negotiating session, Sen. Chris Dodd, D-Conn., the Banking Committee chairman said, "We are very confident that we can act expeditiously."

"I now expect that we will indeed have a plan that can pass the House, pass the Senate (and) be signed by the president," said Sen. Bob Bennett, R-Utah.

However, the bill — whatever shitty terms it includes — probably won't be ready for the president to sign for a couple of days, what with all the voting and harumphing and palm-greasing that is the normal matter of course in Congress.

But still. It's good to know that all our financial woes will be solved in a few short days, and we can all go back to campaigning and eating and breathing again.

John McCain implicitly compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton in his latest attack ad. But is that really a fair comparison? We thought long and hard about Paris Hilton's…qualities…to see if any of them really match up with Obama's, or those of any other politician. And here's what we came up with:

Statuesque blonde Joe Lieberman	Promiscuous Larry Craig	Relentlessly self-promoting Barack Obama
Attempted acting Fred Thompson	Wears too much makeup Chris Dodd	Attempted singing Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Larry Craig, Jim Jeffords
Won the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award for "Best Scream" Howard Dean	Spent time as a prisoner John McCain	Dog wrote a memoir George W. Bush

Hillary Clinton needs your help. See, she spent a lot of money recently, and she's trying to recoup a little. We've all been there, right?

So she's selling these t-shirts. It's an inspiring message. But it turns out she's not the only candidate looking for a little reimbursement — other ex-candidates are hitting the t-shirt trail as well:

Mitt Romney:

Chris Dodd, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Dennis Kucinich and Duncan Hunter:

Mike Gravel:

Mike Huckabee:

Rudy Giuliani:

Ron Paul:

Catching Up With A Loser! It's time to reveal the identity of Congressional Confidential's next presidential dropout, profiled in chronological order. Mr. Blitzer, the envelope please… And it's a tie!! Congratulations to both Senators Joe Biden (D-DE) and Chris Dodd (D-CT)!

Biden and Dodd, making good on a childhood playground vow, ended their presidential campaigns on the same day, January 3, 2008. (This is notable because, unlike all candidates heretofore profiled, they stuck around long enough to lose an actual primary.) Previously, the two white, male, mid-60's Senators from irrelevant states had both announced their candidacies on Imus In The Morning within a month of each other, both polled behind Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) through August 2007, and both dated Bianca Jagger — oh wait, that was only Dodd.

As the Iowa caucuses approached, Biden began pulling ahead of Dodd both in the polls and in the tally of possibly racist comments — three to Dodd's one. And sure enough, when Iowans emerged from their crowded barns on the night of January 3, Biden had defeated his dear friend Dodd, 0.93% to 0.02%!

The night was particularly sad for Dodd on two counts: First was the news that Biden would have endorsed him had he somehow managed to stay in the race. Second was the realization that not only had he lost to his comrade from Delaware, but also to his wry and dastardly foe "Uncommitted"!

As you might imagine, Biden and Dodd have drifted apart since their fateful co-drop-out of January 3. Dodd has been preoccupied with his sweetheart loan deal from Countrywide Financial while Biden is currently delayed on an Amtrak train that was scheduled to arrive in Wilmington on May 17. For now, the hope among Beltway Insiders is that the pair can be persuaded to reunite on a nostalgia tour and finish the job right — by co-losing the 2012 presidential elections!

Countrywide Is On Your Side (If You're a Senator)! Well folks, it looks like two of our nation's most beloved Senators, Chris Dodd (D-CT) and Kent Conrad (D-ND) have gotten themselves tangled in a bit of a mortgage crisis! No, they weren't squatting at the abandoned property of deadbeat Rep. Laura Richardson (D-CA). Instead, it turns out that the two were given preferential deals by Countrywide Financial, the company that may well hold a patent on the sub-prime mortgage!

Dodd and Conrad unexpectedly found themselves categorized as "Friends of Angelo", signifying their special relationship with Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo. Membership in this exclusive club offers perks such as reductions on mortgage rates and VIP seating any time Countrywide forecloses on an orphanage.

For Dodd, this specifically meant favorable rates on his homes in Connecticut and Washington, while Conrad got a deal on his vacation home on the Delaware shore (which also hurt his stock with the iron fist of the North Dakota travel industry).

Fortunately, this favorable treatment doesn't really mean much, since the Senators in question have no jurisdiction over the mortgage industry. Oh wait, yes they do. In fact as the Chairmen of the Senate Banking Committee and the Senate Budget Committee, respectively, Dodd and Conrad have tremendous influence over mortgage lending and are clearly in a huge conflict of interest.

Conrad is in better shape, having cleared the air with a letter to the editor of the Washington Post, in which he pointed out that he barely knows Mozilo and furthermore, his sweetheart deal was only worth $10,000 and everyone knows that's chump change to a Senator. Dodd, on the other hand, digs himself deeper with each day that he doesn't publicly deny spending two nights with Mozilo in the Honeymoon Suite of the Hartford Best Western.

The Pages will be sure to keep you posted as this story develops, hopefully entangling Governor John Lynch (D-NH), who is due for a scandal!

 
(via Videogum)