* Mr. Nine eleven forgot that nine eleven nine elevened on nine eleven!!9!!!11!!!!

* GOP, to Michael Steele: "Please stop." Michael Steele, to GOP: "Shut up." America, to itself: "Sigh."

* The U.S. shed 85,000 jobs last month, because our economy eats green shoots and leaves.

* You loved his goat-fucking turn on The Colbert Report. Now Erick Erickson stars in a new comedy called "Internet Petition," also featuring Mitt Romney and Chuck Norris.

* Speaking of vampires (and werewolves): Councilman Jim Ramsey of Lawndale, California has become a minor sensation for saying that thing about the garlic, but he wasn't being serious. Or… was he?

Chuck Norris truly is an unparalleled political scientist and master theologian both…

"What would have happened if Mother Mary had been covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor and uninsured teenage woman had been provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy?

"Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind if their parents had been as progressive as Washington's wise men and women! Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn?"

I don't know how to make fun of that quote any better than that quote already made fun of itself.

(via The Daily Dish)

* Somebody at the White House is obviously less than a million years old.

* John Oliver is the Usain Bolt of making fun of Glenn Beck.

* Remembering the Kennedy boys: Who was the most do-able?

* Behind every great Massachusetts politician is about 800 or 900 women.

* Keith Olbermann's quest to become the liberal Bill O'Reilly is going exactly according to plan.

* But do these conservative politicians really love Chuck Norris for Chuck Norris?

Are you people still thinking up your birthday greetings for the president? Well, you'd better get typing, because Chuck Norris already beat you to the punch! (Get it??)

Chuck's message isn't quite as sexy as Marilyn cooing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to JFK, but it is a whole lot more red-blooded Americanier…

Dear Mr. President:

First, happy birthday. I do hope Aug. 4 is an enjoyable day for you and your family. Coincidentally, I also will be celebrating this week the birth of someone dear to me, my beloved wife, Gena, whose birthday is on Aug. 9.

Gosh. I wonder where Chuck could be headed with this.

Mr. President, as more and more people realize that you are refusing to release your original birth certificate, further questions will fuel the fires of debate or at least hinder the embers from ever being snuffed out. Questions like, "Does it really contain the Hawaiian physician's name?" Or "Does it disclose something other than his birth place that he wishes others not to see?"

[O]n July 23 in your prime time press conference, you said that your administration was more transparent than those of previous presidencies: "I think that we have provided much greater transparency than existed prior to our administration coming in." So again I ask, why not live out that transparency promise by posting your original birth certificate and end the division and debate?

Well, I have a birthday to plan, so I better get going.

Uh-huh, Chuck, sure. You have a "birthday" to plan.

And I guess we're just supposed to take your word on that?

From yesterday's Teabagging Orgy in Houston, Texas…

See? Teabagging — and the conservative movement in general — isn't just for white people anymore. It's also for Caucasians, people of European descent, fans of Walker, Texas Ranger and stars of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Oh, and Michael Steele.

Of course, he wasn't allowed to attend.

But the sign is a pretty good stand-in, don't you think?

(via The Daily What)

Fair, Balanced, Lil' Bit Unhinged: FOX News, never shy when wearing it's heart on it's sleeve or Glock on it's hip, has launched an entire website dedicated to conservative opinion.  There's thoughtful rage, blind rage, and impotent rage. Something for everyone. [foxnation.com]

Republicans Hate Obama, Democrats Love Obama, Move Along: The Atlantic's independently-minded scribbler Andrew Sullivan interprets Obama's poll numbers, which reveal that the faithful remain so, and the opposition continues with it's very loud seething. [andrewsullivan.com]

Gays Can Marry In Corn Country: The Mormons are having a little freak out, says Joe Sudbay. Specifically over Iowa joining the tide of states allowing homosexuals to legally be eligible for divorce. [americablog.com]

Walker, Texas Ranger, Theologian: The future President of Texas, Chuck Norris, would like you to know that no matter what the actual President of the United States says, we are a Christian nation. Got it? [creators.com]