* Larry Craig's first piece of advice as your new consultant: Don't listen to anything Larry Craig tells you to do.

* Never accuse Meghan McCain of not having a sense of humor! Never!! (She really hates it when people confuse her with her mom.)

* In Lou Dobbs's dreams, Rachel Maddow is his very own tea-bagging queen.

* The Lobbyists! There's just too many of them! Game over, man! Game over!

* Jesus Christ! Why is Joe Biden talking the godamned Lord's name in vain, for Christ's sake?

* And the winner for The Year's Most Idiotic Piece of Political Punditry goes to…

It is an odd thing. These human bodies convulse in fits of laughter even though they are not witnessing the death throes of a supernova imploding into its own mass.

Very curious, these semi-intelligent hominids and their customs.

Update: Wonkette's response.

She wants you to like her for her generic good looks and mediocre personality…

"I fear the election has destroyed my ability and desire to date," McCain, 24, wrote in a lighthearted blog essay Monday on the Daily Beast. "Nothing kills my libido quite like discussing politics."

She loses interest "when I find my father's face staring back at me on a potential date's Facebook page," she explained. "I don't want to see my father's picture near any picture of a guy I am attracted to, especially if we haven't even had dinner yet."

The election inevitably comes up in dating conversation, she wrote. If a guy starts talking about Obama, her mind wanders. Her father's fans are just as annoying because "I don't want to date someone who idealizes my dad."

So, let's look at the potential suitors…

She is turned off by people who voted for President Obama. She also gets the willies from obsessive supporters of her dad.

I guess that leaves people who disliked her dad but were either too racist or blindly-partisan to vote for the black liberal.

Unfortunately, I think Sean Hannity's already married.

First there were the ubiquitous comparisons of Sarah Palin to Tina Fey, and now, the day after Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal's response to President Obama's address, all anyone can talk about is how much he sounded and acted like Kenneth from 30 Rock.

So, I got to wondering which other Republicans have 30 Rock counterparts. Here are the results of my scientific study.

Tracy Jordan and Rush Limbaugh
Similarities: Always on drugs, bad for the black community

Continue reading…

* Barack Obama never did make it to this inaugural ball. Despite the higher level of intelligence than you'd find at most political functions.

* Somehow, I don't think he'll be making an appearance at this one either. Despite the higher class of people than you'd find at most political functions.

* Barack Obama to be sworn in alongside 500 body doubles… Just in case.

* The Palin family don't take kindly to white trash, ya know?

* Cindy McCain fields tough questions in her hardest interview to date.

* It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Again.

The ENQUIRER's exclusive bombshell expose as Sen. John McCain's wife, Cindy, is caught with another man! Not only that but multiple witnesses have caught the pair lip locking on several other occasions.

"I couldn't believe I was watching Cindy McCain passionately kissing and hugging another man!" That's the stunned reaction of an eyewitness who says he watched in shock — and snapped photos — as the former presidential candidate's wife romantically kissed a long-haired man who resembles "a washed-up '80s rock musician."

I took a long look at the photo provided, and I have to say that it definitely resembles a woman of some sort who has hair on top of her head kissing something that looks like a man. (It's either that or some sort of sea creature briefly rising above the surface of a dark lake.)

I double-checked the facts: Cindy McCain is a woman, and she does have hair. Whether or not she knows how to kiss is still open to debate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think that the National Enquirer has rested its case.

It was nice that Tina Fey was willing to be on stage for a solid five minutes with McCain after not even looking Sarah Palin in the eye two weeks ago.

I think I'm going to invest in McCain Fine Gold until the economy gets back on track, myself.

After the fold, John McCain explains that his new campaign strategy for the last three days will be the "Double Maverick," which sounds like something this guy made up.

It turns out that prince was named David Plouffe, Obama campaign manager.

Plouffe, still sitting on an enormous pile of cash, has decided that rather than dispose of it the traditional way (swing state ads, charitable donations, incineration) is going to use it to buy airtime in Arizona…

Barack Obama's presidential campaign is taking the unprecedented step of launching its first advertising in rival John McCain’s home state of Arizona.

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe announced the advertising buy this morning, saying the campaign also would re-launch advertising in Georgia, where it hasn’t advertised in several months, and start advertising in North Dakota…

"It's enough in the realm of the possible that we want to put a little extra effort at the end,” he said. “We want to give it a go in the last few days. We wanted to see how far we can go."

The polls have already shown that McCain is no homecoming king within the state. The reasons are complex but include…

* He carpetbagged from Virginia on speculation that a House seat was opening up.

* His entire political career was made possible by his wife's beer money.

* He's been irritating his neighbors with robocalls.

* Barry Goldwater couldn't stand him.

Still, spending ad dollars in the man's home state is quite a gamble by Plouffe. Not as risky as giving a Nigerian internet prince your bank account information, but probably more hubristic.

Just ask the old David Plouffe — the one who sent all those e-mails asking us for money.

The president-elect-elect is apparently speculating about that topic, too. Yesterday, he began revealing the makeup of his cabinet, on the off-chance that for some reason he managed to win the presidency.

U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama said on Wednesday he would include Republicans in his Cabinet if he wins the election. Obama, a Democratic senator from Illinois, also said he had "some pretty good ideas" about people he might tap for senior government jobs, though he emphasized he is focused for now on the final days of the campaign and takes nothing for granted.

Obama said he "absolutely" considered it important to have Republicans in the Cabinet but he sidestepped a question on whether he would ask Defense Secretary Robert Gates to remain in his job. There has been speculation that either Obama or his Republican rival, John McCain, might ask Gates to stay on. "I'm not going to get into details," Obama said, but he added that national security policy, in particular, should be nonpartisan.

Well, it's about time that an African-American got to pick someone else as a token! And it's nice to see that Obama will continue in the proud tradition of symbolic opposite-party cabinet members (just ask long-suffering token Democrat Norm Mineta).

Obama will have plenty of quality Republicans to pick from for his cabinet, starting with Cindy McCain, who's a shoo-in for Secretary of Veterans Affairs.